L.O.S (Loss Of Signal)

[AndrewP]

Curious to know- what are your parameters for having “left that door open for far longer than perhaps I should have” ? Were you putting your life on hold in some department(s)?

I would see what I thought were crumbs of attention and interest from her after she moved out and into her own apartment including one coffee date where she complained about how alone and lonely she was. Shortly after that though it became apparent that she preferred OM and I just had enough and told her that I was done waiting for her to make up her mind and that the divorce process needed to be started (which took another 6 months)

If you don't mind me saying, you're selling yourself short. She may have settled into her new life, but I'll guarantee you that in those moments when she allows herself to reflect on her current situation, she's comparing it all to when ol' AndrewP was in her life. You may not see it, but count on it: you are renting space in her head, and she's paying the rent for you to be there.

There was a funny episode a few years ago when a girlfriend moved in for a short while of her lurking across the street in the garden centre. She's living less than 10 minutes away, we obviously still know people in common so if she was curious about my life she could be well informed.

One thing that I believe to be the case, especially if there's not a significant gap between relationships that people expect a new partner to be a version of their old one. One woman I dated for a short while even tried to get me to start dressing like her ex.

We did have a pretty good thing going here. I do know that she would regularly compare me to friend's husbands and one thing she was always proud of being that if anything ever needed fixing that it got taken care of right away. Her life was mostly about her though and I was a useful incidental appliance that paid the bills, cut the grass and made sure stuff got done. I treated her well I like to think and she would make sure we held hands when we were out together and that every day started and ended with a kiss. I opened doors, held chairs for her all that sort of stuff that I just figured was normal and she certainly expected.

Whether she compares OM to me or not is anyone's guess. From what I gather he's also a pretty quiet guy but with less broad interests. When I was in full detective mode the only things I could pick up were that he liked the local hockey team and occasionally went out golfing. His former wife - who passed from cancer shortly before he got involved with mine - went on one big trip shortly before she died that I don't think he went on.

I have pretty broad interests, enjoy going to museums, parks, art galleries, craft shows etc. A very wide taste in the arts, well informed on politics and the economy. I like to putter and build things.

She's undoubtedly missing the tropical vacations we used to go on, the ability to buy a new car as soon as she needed one yadda yadda. Missing me? No clue. I know on my side that after all this time I don't miss her as a person. The person she is now is someone I don't even know. And I've been doing for myself for so long now that I know that I would have no expectation of anyone new filling her shoes here. She and her shoes are both long gone.

I have a theory that, since they are so flailing and “out to sea” with very few concrete ideas of their own, that a lot of the harebrained ideas that they get are usually picked up from the people they associate with.

That is undoubtedly true in many aspects. People, especially when they are going through difficult times will cling to and try to mirror others. I would add though that it my own personal theory that in cases at least like mine that they are finally dropping the mask and becoming the person that they always were and had been trying to suppress. My xW when I met her was a big boobed party girl who then shifted into being a wife and Mom. With the kids grown and gone there was less need to keep that mask up. I'd always had worries about her flirtatious manner and one day I suppose she crossed a line.