So....Tuesday was better. We spent the next couple of days together, reassuring each other. Lots and lots of cuddling on the couch.

Although xrm did call once, and said she was going to join the gym so that she could work out with H. He just told her that he never when he was going to go, he went when it was convenient.

At one point we talked about snooping. I had admitted to him before when I had snooped in his vmail. (Very, very bad reaction to that.) He admitted that he had considered it once, when he thought I might start dating some guy. But that it would have been invading my privacy. (I'm not convinced that he didn't, but I really don't care.) So he told me understood what motivated a person to do it.

Later, we got on the subject of his past, uh, dating experiences. He had alwasy told me he had been with x number of people. Well, lately, he's been alluding the fact that it might be, oh, a lot more than that. I hate it when he keeps things from me. That actually affects me more.

So I point-blank asked him how many people. I feel like I have this right to know since I am with him now. Maybe I can't understand why he'd want to keep it a secret, since I have only been with him. He completely refused to tell me. I asked him if it was the close to the number of people he had hooked up with, and he said no. He started getting agitated, said he didn't want to talk about it--that he felt ashamed of his past, and that he was a w****. I told him I didn't think so, but it really hurt that he felt like he couldn't tell me. He said he would, some day, he just couldn't yet. I asked him if he had at least been tested before he was with me, and he said he had. So I gave him a big hug, and left it at that.

We did more talking, curled up in bed together. I wound up confessing that, at one point, during the first sep, I had had this strong desire to have sex with my male friend M. I could see it him like a lead weight. He said at that point he didn't want to talk about it at all.

He then told me how close he had come to committing suicide. Told me that sometimes, those really early morning calls were his attempt at saying goodbye to me. He said he even pulled the trigger once--but had forgotten to chamber the gun, so it just went click, no bullet. That nearly gave me a heart attack, when he told me that.

So...H called me early, and we made plans for lunch.
After he picked me up, he told me that xrm had called. That she had gotten all crazy about the fact that he said he was having lunch with me. He just told her "too bad." Something about she thought they had made lunch plans together, and was made because he was cancelling. (Ummm...yeah....) She got upset, then said "I had better go before I say something I don't mean." Then she called him back and apologized for yelling. (Now...doesn't this sound like the sort of conversation I used to have with H??) Lunch was nice. We wound up going shopping, since I already had food and he was going to eat at home. Good bonding time.

Then we went to the gym. I'm having a decent workout, we're having fun. Then H comes up to me, with this really sunken look on his face. I know that look. It must be what I've looked like for months. I asked him what was wrong, and he wouldn't tell me. Said there was something, but not now.

Okay, so my mind goes racing. I still had the letter in my head, and I'm just guessing he's going to confess something to me. (ASSumptions, I know.) But I left him alone. I offered a couple of more times, no pushing. I have a really bad habit of pushing (obviously) and I was trying to be gentler after the last several days.

He finally admitted that it was what I had told him about M that bothered him. (Sheesh, of all the...) He asked for the keys to my car, and said he would be back for me. I asked if he wanted me to leave, too, or if he needed time alone. He said he would be back. So I let him go.

He came back right before I was about to call him, acting pretty okay. Said xrm had called. (He's not take to calling her psyhco-girl.) Said that she had really lost it. My curiousity was just bursting, so I kept asking him what she said.

Apparentally, she got mad because he was spending too much time with me. (LOL!) He got irritated, told her that I was his wife, and I would always come first, even if we split up and were just friends, because we are very close and have a long history. She also told him that she hated that he could tell me things and not her. (Duh...) Then she started crying and got hysterical, said she could hardly function at work, that she understood how his wife must feel now, to be so devasatated. Then she told H that it just hurt so bad to completely give yourself to someone, to live with someone, and then have them reject you. That she had dropped everything she was doing to come and live with him. That she was completely in love with him, and thought they had something special, and she would never forget their "magical night" together. But that it just hurt too much, because he was always "too busy" for her.

Then he asked if she was going to call him anymore. (Trying to get information out of her.) She refused to answer. He asked her why she wouldn't tell him, and she said it was because he never answered her questions. (She's never really asked him anything....just plain weird.)

But, we decided it sure sounded like she was "breaking up" with him. The whole thing completely weirded him out. He told me he knew she had a crush on him or maybe even was mildly infatuated, but he had no idea it was like that. I had known she had strong feelings with him...but geeze...didn't know she was nuts. He said he would have never moved her in if he had known that. Even I know enough to know the above isn't true, that she's contradicting herself.

H emphasized again that he never, ever touched her or did anything with her--despite what she thinks. (We're both convinced that she believes in her own little fantasies. I'm also suspicious that too much heavy drug use is behind her rages.) That he was completely freaked out and confused by her reference to a "magical night." And, hello, he was coming and sleeping over with me a lot anyway.

But, and I told him this, that I have to give him credit for his approach. He had tried to completely cut her off before, and she went crazy. So then he took her calls, but was always "busy" or about to do something with me. Until she decided it "wasn't worth her trouble." I have to admit, I had been afraid he was leading her on, but this only took a couple of weeks to actually really work. H is a smart guy, and good with people, I have to give him that.

As we were leaving the gym, I mentioned something that I had noticed before. When I was over at his place once, and the answering machine picked up, she had this message on there about "You've reached [xrm] and [H]." And she sounded sooo happy to be saying that, like she was proud of it. H said he had noticed it before, too, and had thought it was kind of strange.

While H was driving, he brought the whole thing with my friend M again. He apologized, but said the questions made him feel better. This, I actually completely understand.

Although it did really irritate the crap out of me. I mean, sheesh, I had one night for a few hours I wanted to sleep with this guy. I was, easily, ten feet away from him. H has an EA that goes PA. Then, a few months later, he has another EA and moves her in. I deal with this junk for months, and he gets upset over a few out-of-whack emotions that I have. WTF?

Okay, I'm not really mad at him, but it's a little frustrating.

So, I answered the questions. All of them. Told him it was, maybe, for a couple of hours at most. After we had spent the day together. That I was never, ever attracted to M--it was just that I had never felt so alone in my life. I hadn't had sex in months, I felt thoroughly unattractive and repulsive. And I just really needed to feel comforted and loved in that way. It was the most bizarre experience of my life. At the same time, the idea of being touched by someone other than my H really repelled me. And, as far away as he seemed, I had the dim hope of being with him again--and I knew that would get in the way. So I left. And I have pretty much avoided this friend ever since. I barely talk to him anymore.

Eventually, H let it drop. I did ask him what I could do to help--did he want comfort, an apology, to be left alone... He said he just wanted to run some errands and have fun with me. So that helped.

We wound up staying up late talking last night after ML. H has the most incredible, deep brown eyes...I just love looking into them. About the good things we have had, where we want to go...how I want babies. LOL Not now, but I do want them. All of that sort of stuff.

H broke down again at one point. Apologized, told me he couldn't believe all of the stuff he had put us both through. Kept apologizing, over and over. I told him not to worry about, I wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't going anywhere, we would be just fine. I fell asleep with him rubbing my back.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]