I have been great!! Usually I post at work, but work has been busy, then I moved, and didn't have internet for a couple of weeks. All in all, I have been getting a life, and spending great time with H. We now live ten minutes apart, but are pretty much one place or the other. Reminds me (boths of us) of when were were engaged.
This thing with x-roommate is really out of hand. H actually admitted that maybe he was too fond of her at one point, but that's gone now--he's finally realized what she's really like. We had a good heart-to-heart about it. And we've decided that she's certifiable. Completely and totally. She seems to be the kind of nut who actually believes the lies she makes up--believes in her little fantasies. She's getting on the scary side, but has yet to do anything to cross the line where we need to go the police.
He's also being very, very open with me about all his conversations with her. He's been receptive to gentle questioning. I think he's figured out I feel better when he tells me what's going on. And...on some level, it's like I want to know what the next episode of this wild soap-opera-drama is going to be! And I want to know if she's really gone over the edge.
We've had some conversations that I should post up here sometime...one last night and a couple of days ago. Scary stuff. I knew H had been suicidal, but I didn't realize how close he came. And then we had another one about snooping last night... It'll probably be tomorrow before I can post anything, but we'll see.
Oh...and we're still talking babies. Probably in a couple of years, after he's back from the army and I'm a bit more financially stable, and hopefully moved out of here. And still discussing getting symbolic tattoos...
I mentioned the BB last night, and H said I should post some updates. He actually is quite fascinated with this place...keeps asking me questions and stuff. Wanted to know if people were following our story or asking about us. Thought maybe I had worried people by just dropping off. LOL He's such a sweetie...
Gotta meet H for lunch today!
Oh...something useful I have learned...the more I build H up, the more those qualities show up in him. When I tell him he's sweet and thoughtful and understanding, then he is more sweet and thoughtful and understanding.
Soo...we had the best day yet on the Fourth. Had some friends over at this house. (XRM called, of course wanting to come over, but he said he was "busy") Blew up lots of (cheap) fireworks in the driveway, got drunk (I didn't work the next day), had a blast. He thought it was funny since I made the drinks for him for a change. The cutest part was when I sat down on the steps of the house, just relaxing (and fairly drunk at that point). H came over, sat down next to me, told me how afraid he had been that we weren't going to be together for the Fourth. I told him, at that point, that I really knew we were going to be fine. That all of the mess (except for xrm's current craziness) seemed really far off.
Now, both of us drunk at the same time, kind of meant for sappiness. We're a ridiculously (probably cheesy and annoying) cutesy couple. Add alcohol...well...LOL... It was fun. H and I had never really been drunk together, and of all things, he told me how much he enjoyed that. (I didn't drink at all for years.) Very fun.
Of course...a few great weeks...we all know there are still downs! Well, the next day, I was going through some stuff in the garage. Picked up my resume binder, and flipped through it to see if there was anything he needed out of it before I took it.
And found a letter to xrm. Of course I read it. Anyway, in it, (and I'm paraphrasing) he said that he loved her, he didn't care that she spent the night with her (ex?) bf on occasion, he had made a promise to her he intended to keep, but he didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with him... And he signed it "I love you."
Ouch. I nearly fell over. I felt so sick...I was incredibly upset that he hadn't told me... It was actually worse stumbling across that than when he had confessed to me. And his family was there at that point, too.
I sort of stumbled out of the house, mumbled something about going for a walk. I could tell I scared him to death. So I just told him I would be back.
Went walking around the block, trying to calm down. I honestly felt like I had a heart attack. When I came back, H was really concerned, asked if I was okay. I think the walk had actually gotten me more worked up. Ooops. I wouldn't even let him touch me, just insisted he take me home.
I was completely freaking out. I tried so hard to keep my cool...but completely lost it. Wound up just screaming at him. And I mean really letting him have it. Told him I had found it, then demanded to know if they had been together. (Okay, I used much, much cruder language.) Just completely went off the handle.
H kept telling me nothing had happened. That it should be obvious, or he would have hidden or destroyed the letter. That he couldn't keep anything like that from me. (There are all kinds of rational reasons why it's really obvious to me, now, that they were never together. But, at the time, I was completely flipped out.)
I really ripped him over it. Paraphrashed back to him what I had read. He kept trying to explain it, but I didn't want to hear. They just sounded like lousy TV excuses, like you see on the daytime talk shows. He told me that he had admitted to me did have some feelings for her. That the whole thing about her bf was he was arguing about her being upset that he spent time with me, that she really had no room to talk. That he meant he didn't want to live with someone who didn't want to live with him. The promise was that he would always be friends with her, because she had always said all her friends left.
I was horrible to him. He pleaded with me. Told me that he didn't write well, and I knew that, that he never comes across like he intends to. (True.) By the time we got to my place, I just thoroughly broke down in the car. I had said I was just going to go, but I completely lost it. Just cried and cried and cried. Finally I asked him to come up with me. He was hesitant.
Once we got out of the car, he shredded the letter and burned it. On the spot. Said it meant nothing to him.
After we got upstairs, I noticed something funny in his attitude. Something I had seen before, and scared the sh!t out of me. He was strangely calm. Gave his kitty a kiss and said goodbye. Asked me to smile one last time, before he left. He was supposed to wait for the cable guy the next day, so this was weird. He had that weird calm about him.
If I haven't mentioned it before, H has attempted suicide in the past, before he was with me. One time, during the last sep, he got exactly like that...and I was convinced he was going to attempt again.
I refused to let him go. I demanded he tell me where he was going. He just said "away" and "where I can't hurt you anymore." Yeah. I knew if he walked out that door, he would be dead. So I did everything in my power to stop him. I begged him to stay. I threatened to call the police, and he said he would use that to "take care of it." I tried to physically stop him--which didn't work, since he's much stronger than me. I screamed and yelled and called him a stupid selfish jerk. (Hey, try something different...) I threatened to follow him wherever he went. I cried. Hysterically. To where he thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. This was the only thing that made him pause, and so I (the only time in my life I had ever done this) made sure to get really, really hysterical every time he tried to leave, because he would turn around and come back in.
I knew if I could get him calmed down, to go to sleep, stay the night, that he would be okay. I finally just pleaded with him to talk to me--gave some lame excuse like "not everybody gets to say goodbye to the one they love." He just insisted I was upset because I didn't want him to get hurt (DUH!) and that I didn't really want him anymore. I finally got him to sit down on the bed, and asked him what it was that he wanted. I knew it wasn't that he really wanted to die, but that he felt he couldn't have whatever it was he needed, and that hurt too much.
He finally admitted he wanted me to trust him. That he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust him, because he didn't feel safe. (What kind of sense does that make!?) So I blurted out that I did trust him. (Lieing.) He said I was only saying that to stop him, and that it wasn't my fault of he did anything. I was saying anything I could think of to get to him. He finally cracked, looked up set, and said "Make me feel like you trust me. Make me feel safe like you used to." So I pulled him down on the bed beside me, and started running my hands lightly over his back, and over his head, and just doing anything I could to soothe him.
We both passed out from the emotional exhaustion.
He called me at work multiple times the next day. Confessed that he would have done something stupid the night before, if I hadn't stopped him. Said he couldn't live with out me. I guess he thought I didn't want to be with him anymore. I was just really freaked out, and all I had wanted was some time alone to calm down.
So...yeah...that was a bad day. He kept asking me if I was mad at him. I told him, no I wasn't, that it has just been a shock. He told me he had done everything he knew to get my trust back again, and was hurt that he didn't do anything, and he was still getting punished for it. Although he finally admitted that he did know understand why I had gotten upset, and probably would have been the same way if the situation were reversed.
So....Tuesday was better. We spent the next couple of days together, reassuring each other. Lots and lots of cuddling on the couch.
Although xrm did call once, and said she was going to join the gym so that she could work out with H. He just told her that he never when he was going to go, he went when it was convenient.
At one point we talked about snooping. I had admitted to him before when I had snooped in his vmail. (Very, very bad reaction to that.) He admitted that he had considered it once, when he thought I might start dating some guy. But that it would have been invading my privacy. (I'm not convinced that he didn't, but I really don't care.) So he told me understood what motivated a person to do it.
Later, we got on the subject of his past, uh, dating experiences. He had alwasy told me he had been with x number of people. Well, lately, he's been alluding the fact that it might be, oh, a lot more than that. I hate it when he keeps things from me. That actually affects me more.
So I point-blank asked him how many people. I feel like I have this right to know since I am with him now. Maybe I can't understand why he'd want to keep it a secret, since I have only been with him. He completely refused to tell me. I asked him if it was the close to the number of people he had hooked up with, and he said no. He started getting agitated, said he didn't want to talk about it--that he felt ashamed of his past, and that he was a w****. I told him I didn't think so, but it really hurt that he felt like he couldn't tell me. He said he would, some day, he just couldn't yet. I asked him if he had at least been tested before he was with me, and he said he had. So I gave him a big hug, and left it at that.
We did more talking, curled up in bed together. I wound up confessing that, at one point, during the first sep, I had had this strong desire to have sex with my male friend M. I could see it him like a lead weight. He said at that point he didn't want to talk about it at all.
He then told me how close he had come to committing suicide. Told me that sometimes, those really early morning calls were his attempt at saying goodbye to me. He said he even pulled the trigger once--but had forgotten to chamber the gun, so it just went click, no bullet. That nearly gave me a heart attack, when he told me that.
So...H called me early, and we made plans for lunch. After he picked me up, he told me that xrm had called. That she had gotten all crazy about the fact that he said he was having lunch with me. He just told her "too bad." Something about she thought they had made lunch plans together, and was made because he was cancelling. (Ummm...yeah....) She got upset, then said "I had better go before I say something I don't mean." Then she called him back and apologized for yelling. (Now...doesn't this sound like the sort of conversation I used to have with H??) Lunch was nice. We wound up going shopping, since I already had food and he was going to eat at home. Good bonding time.
Then we went to the gym. I'm having a decent workout, we're having fun. Then H comes up to me, with this really sunken look on his face. I know that look. It must be what I've looked like for months. I asked him what was wrong, and he wouldn't tell me. Said there was something, but not now.
Okay, so my mind goes racing. I still had the letter in my head, and I'm just guessing he's going to confess something to me. (ASSumptions, I know.) But I left him alone. I offered a couple of more times, no pushing. I have a really bad habit of pushing (obviously) and I was trying to be gentler after the last several days.
He finally admitted that it was what I had told him about M that bothered him. (Sheesh, of all the...) He asked for the keys to my car, and said he would be back for me. I asked if he wanted me to leave, too, or if he needed time alone. He said he would be back. So I let him go.
He came back right before I was about to call him, acting pretty okay. Said xrm had called. (He's not take to calling her psyhco-girl.) Said that she had really lost it. My curiousity was just bursting, so I kept asking him what she said.
Apparentally, she got mad because he was spending too much time with me. (LOL!) He got irritated, told her that I was his wife, and I would always come first, even if we split up and were just friends, because we are very close and have a long history. She also told him that she hated that he could tell me things and not her. (Duh...) Then she started crying and got hysterical, said she could hardly function at work, that she understood how his wife must feel now, to be so devasatated. Then she told H that it just hurt so bad to completely give yourself to someone, to live with someone, and then have them reject you. That she had dropped everything she was doing to come and live with him. That she was completely in love with him, and thought they had something special, and she would never forget their "magical night" together. But that it just hurt too much, because he was always "too busy" for her.
Then he asked if she was going to call him anymore. (Trying to get information out of her.) She refused to answer. He asked her why she wouldn't tell him, and she said it was because he never answered her questions. (She's never really asked him anything....just plain weird.)
But, we decided it sure sounded like she was "breaking up" with him. The whole thing completely weirded him out. He told me he knew she had a crush on him or maybe even was mildly infatuated, but he had no idea it was like that. I had known she had strong feelings with him...but geeze...didn't know she was nuts. He said he would have never moved her in if he had known that. Even I know enough to know the above isn't true, that she's contradicting herself.
H emphasized again that he never, ever touched her or did anything with her--despite what she thinks. (We're both convinced that she believes in her own little fantasies. I'm also suspicious that too much heavy drug use is behind her rages.) That he was completely freaked out and confused by her reference to a "magical night." And, hello, he was coming and sleeping over with me a lot anyway.
But, and I told him this, that I have to give him credit for his approach. He had tried to completely cut her off before, and she went crazy. So then he took her calls, but was always "busy" or about to do something with me. Until she decided it "wasn't worth her trouble." I have to admit, I had been afraid he was leading her on, but this only took a couple of weeks to actually really work. H is a smart guy, and good with people, I have to give him that.
As we were leaving the gym, I mentioned something that I had noticed before. When I was over at his place once, and the answering machine picked up, she had this message on there about "You've reached [xrm] and [H]." And she sounded sooo happy to be saying that, like she was proud of it. H said he had noticed it before, too, and had thought it was kind of strange.
While H was driving, he brought the whole thing with my friend M again. He apologized, but said the questions made him feel better. This, I actually completely understand.
Although it did really irritate the crap out of me. I mean, sheesh, I had one night for a few hours I wanted to sleep with this guy. I was, easily, ten feet away from him. H has an EA that goes PA. Then, a few months later, he has another EA and moves her in. I deal with this junk for months, and he gets upset over a few out-of-whack emotions that I have. WTF?
Okay, I'm not really mad at him, but it's a little frustrating.
So, I answered the questions. All of them. Told him it was, maybe, for a couple of hours at most. After we had spent the day together. That I was never, ever attracted to M--it was just that I had never felt so alone in my life. I hadn't had sex in months, I felt thoroughly unattractive and repulsive. And I just really needed to feel comforted and loved in that way. It was the most bizarre experience of my life. At the same time, the idea of being touched by someone other than my H really repelled me. And, as far away as he seemed, I had the dim hope of being with him again--and I knew that would get in the way. So I left. And I have pretty much avoided this friend ever since. I barely talk to him anymore.
Eventually, H let it drop. I did ask him what I could do to help--did he want comfort, an apology, to be left alone... He said he just wanted to run some errands and have fun with me. So that helped.
We wound up staying up late talking last night after ML. H has the most incredible, deep brown eyes...I just love looking into them. About the good things we have had, where we want to go...how I want babies. LOL Not now, but I do want them. All of that sort of stuff.
H broke down again at one point. Apologized, told me he couldn't believe all of the stuff he had put us both through. Kept apologizing, over and over. I told him not to worry about, I wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't going anywhere, we would be just fine. I fell asleep with him rubbing my back.
So last night was nice. I came home and took a nap on H before he went to work. I missed him sooo bad after he left. I was tempted to go drop in--I haven't been to the club in a while--but I didn't want to hassle him at work. He told me later he only worked security last night, and was outside checking ID's anyway, so I could have just gone and hung out with him. Ah, well. I'm thinking of going with BIL2 there tonight. Maybe dyeing my hair and getting a new outfit... I want to make sure to maintain the mystery, he really likes that stuff.
We talked some about how xrm used to always call him when he was with me. I always found it suspicious (every time we were together!) but he always brushed it off. So I asked him about it again, and he said that she had just always called him a lot. And he never thought much of it, but now it does kind of bug him that she always called when he came to see me.
He also told me he thinks that, in her mind, when she moved in, that made them a couple. (Which is weird, because it wasn't even close to that...she actually asked him about the spare room...) I don't know. Anybody happen to know the word for someone who believes their own lies?? It's been driving H and I crazy!
He also set a personal ringtone for her number and added a nutty picture to it. LOL. Kind of mean, but definately funny.
When he came in this morning (for a guy who is not living with me, he is here a lot!), he said he was hungry, and asked me to treat him to breakfast. So I drug myself up and we went out to Denny's.
On the way, I mentioned the KLA CD's again, and H actually asked me to put one in. (WOW!) So I popped in #2 (I didn't have #1 with me), which deals with "The Blame Game." We listened to it on the way to the restaurant, and he even waited in the car to finish the part we were listening to. He seemed to really pay attention. He agreed that we did sound kind of like the pair on the CD.
He told me once we were there that, guess who, psycho had called. (Yes, he's calling xrm psycho now!) She had called a few times before finally leaving him a message--some garbage about she was sorry, she was only mad because she was on her period, she didn't understand why he didn't have just a few minutes for her, blah blah blah. Guess she's wanting to "make up" now. Annoying...
In the car we listened to the KLA CD some more. It was at the part where Michele discusses the "it takes one to tango." H was thoroughly intrigued. Then he decided that that was why he was good with people. (He is right--how he adjusts how he interacts with different people.) Then I said I knew it worked, because it had worked with him. He laughed it off, said that he had made lots of adjustments, and didn't really think that I had been able to "influence" him in that way. LOL! I could have been irritated...but the proof is in all of my posts... Yes, I give H tons of credit for doing his own thinking and changing some stuff on his own. But if he thinks DB didn't work on him...hah!...he's just wrong. The whole thing was kind of funny.
So after we got up again later, I asked H something about xrm. I really should just learn to drop the subject, but I'm actually glad I did ask. I asked him why he hadn't seen how her behavior indicated that she liked him. He said he did see it--but that he always wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. That he knew how people always misinterpreted him as being interested in other people (which is true) and he thought maybe she was just the same way. This, I actually found very comforting. It makes a lot of sense to me...H does think this way.
And I could see this in another convo we had. He said something really off-hand, and it did sound like he was making a "I wouldn't date xrm if..." statement, when that was really not it at all.
I was actually typing this while H was in the room. He started to wander over, and I asked him not to read over my shoulder. He back off pretty quick, said he would never invade my privacy. I explained it's not that I mind, it's just that there's a lot in here he might take completely wrong. He said it was okay, he respected my privacy. He's sitting in the same room with me, playing video games.
Have a good day all, it's really hot and humid here today.
Nevanna I am a recent DB person. I like your long posts and have read most of them. I admire your willingness to work on issues (how you see problems)and behaviors (what the other person in the relationship sees). I am happy for the both of you.
I do not see why the XRM is in the picture. My daughter had crazy man as a boyfriend for over a year. Sh** always happened with him in the picture. My daughter wanted to be friends with the wacko when they broke up. It did not work! The daughter only got her sanity when she cut off ALL TIES with wacko. BTW, wacko shot his dog because he had to move when daughter and wacko broke up because his new landloard did not allow dogs. Five years later, daughter tells her mom how thankfull she is that she cut off wacko completely.
If XRM was a decent person, she would see how she is damaging your relationship with you and H. H should see it too.
I am the family fixer and sometimes do things that prolong the agony. So I know that I am not perfect. But it's just so plain to me when I read about H's contact (even taking calls) with the XRM I had to put in my 2 cents. I believe you and H will be so much better without XRM in the picture.
If H wants to keep his word about changing XRM's oil, think, what did she do before your H was in the picture. She got by then and she will be able to in the future. I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. Her opinion is the spouse deserves all of the attention and the XRM issue just makes things worse.
This post is only my opinion based on my experiences. Your experiences might be different. I like your PMA. Best wishes to both of you.
He actually is quite fascinated with this place...keeps asking me questions and stuff. Wanted to know if people were following our story or asking about us. Thought maybe I had worried people by just dropping off. LOL He's such a sweetie...
Anyway, in it, (and I'm paraphrasing) he said that he loved her, he didn't care that she spent the night with her (ex?) bf on occasion, he had made a promise to her he intended to keep, but he didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with him... And he signed it "I love you." 
I want to make sure to maintain the mystery, he really likes that stuff.
Guess she's wanting to "make up" now. Annoying...