Soo...we had the best day yet on the Fourth. Had some friends over at this house. (XRM called, of course wanting to come over, but he said he was "busy") Blew up lots of (cheap) fireworks in the driveway, got drunk (I didn't work the next day), had a blast. He thought it was funny since I made the drinks for him for a change. The cutest part was when I sat down on the steps of the house, just relaxing (and fairly drunk at that point). H came over, sat down next to me, told me how afraid he had been that we weren't going to be together for the Fourth. I told him, at that point, that I really knew we were going to be fine. That all of the mess (except for xrm's current craziness) seemed really far off.

Now, both of us drunk at the same time, kind of meant for sappiness. We're a ridiculously (probably cheesy and annoying) cutesy couple. Add alcohol...well...LOL... It was fun. H and I had never really been drunk together, and of all things, he told me how much he enjoyed that. (I didn't drink at all for years.) Very fun.

Of course...a few great weeks...we all know there are still downs! Well, the next day, I was going through some stuff in the garage. Picked up my resume binder, and flipped through it to see if there was anything he needed out of it before I took it.

And found a letter to xrm. Of course I read it. Anyway, in it, (and I'm paraphrasing) he said that he loved her, he didn't care that she spent the night with her (ex?) bf on occasion, he had made a promise to her he intended to keep, but he didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with him... And he signed it "I love you."

Ouch. I nearly fell over. I felt so sick...I was incredibly upset that he hadn't told me... It was actually worse stumbling across that than when he had confessed to me. And his family was there at that point, too.

I sort of stumbled out of the house, mumbled something about going for a walk. I could tell I scared him to death. So I just told him I would be back.

Went walking around the block, trying to calm down. I honestly felt like I had a heart attack. When I came back, H was really concerned, asked if I was okay. I think the walk had actually gotten me more worked up. Ooops. I wouldn't even let him touch me, just insisted he take me home.

I was completely freaking out. I tried so hard to keep my cool...but completely lost it. Wound up just screaming at him. And I mean really letting him have it. Told him I had found it, then demanded to know if they had been together. (Okay, I used much, much cruder language.) Just completely went off the handle.

H kept telling me nothing had happened. That it should be obvious, or he would have hidden or destroyed the letter. That he couldn't keep anything like that from me. (There are all kinds of rational reasons why it's really obvious to me, now, that they were never together. But, at the time, I was completely flipped out.)

I really ripped him over it. Paraphrashed back to him what I had read. He kept trying to explain it, but I didn't want to hear. They just sounded like lousy TV excuses, like you see on the daytime talk shows. He told me that he had admitted to me did have some feelings for her. That the whole thing about her bf was he was arguing about her being upset that he spent time with me, that she really had no room to talk. That he meant he didn't want to live with someone who didn't want to live with him. The promise was that he would always be friends with her, because she had always said all her friends left.

I was horrible to him. He pleaded with me. Told me that he didn't write well, and I knew that, that he never comes across like he intends to. (True.) By the time we got to my place, I just thoroughly broke down in the car. I had said I was just going to go, but I completely lost it. Just cried and cried and cried. Finally I asked him to come up with me. He was hesitant.

Once we got out of the car, he shredded the letter and burned it. On the spot. Said it meant nothing to him.

After we got upstairs, I noticed something funny in his attitude. Something I had seen before, and scared the sh!t out of me. He was strangely calm. Gave his kitty a kiss and said goodbye. Asked me to smile one last time, before he left. He was supposed to wait for the cable guy the next day, so this was weird. He had that weird calm about him.

If I haven't mentioned it before, H has attempted suicide in the past, before he was with me. One time, during the last sep, he got exactly like that...and I was convinced he was going to attempt again.

I refused to let him go. I demanded he tell me where he was going. He just said "away" and "where I can't hurt you anymore." Yeah. I knew if he walked out that door, he would be dead. So I did everything in my power to stop him. I begged him to stay. I threatened to call the police, and he said he would use that to "take care of it." I tried to physically stop him--which didn't work, since he's much stronger than me. I screamed and yelled and called him a stupid selfish jerk. (Hey, try something different...) I threatened to follow him wherever he went. I cried. Hysterically. To where he thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. This was the only thing that made him pause, and so I (the only time in my life I had ever done this) made sure to get really, really hysterical every time he tried to leave, because he would turn around and come back in.

I knew if I could get him calmed down, to go to sleep, stay the night, that he would be okay. I finally just pleaded with him to talk to me--gave some lame excuse like "not everybody gets to say goodbye to the one they love." He just insisted I was upset because I didn't want him to get hurt (DUH!) and that I didn't really want him anymore. I finally got him to sit down on the bed, and asked him what it was that he wanted. I knew it wasn't that he really wanted to die, but that he felt he couldn't have whatever it was he needed, and that hurt too much.

He finally admitted he wanted me to trust him. That he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust him, because he didn't feel safe. (What kind of sense does that make!?) So I blurted out that I did trust him. (Lieing.) He said I was only saying that to stop him, and that it wasn't my fault of he did anything. I was saying anything I could think of to get to him. He finally cracked, looked up set, and said "Make me feel like you trust me. Make me feel safe like you used to." So I pulled him down on the bed beside me, and started running my hands lightly over his back, and over his head, and just doing anything I could to soothe him.

We both passed out from the emotional exhaustion.

He called me at work multiple times the next day. Confessed that he would have done something stupid the night before, if I hadn't stopped him. Said he couldn't live with out me. I guess he thought I didn't want to be with him anymore. I was just really freaked out, and all I had wanted was some time alone to calm down.

So...yeah...that was a bad day. He kept asking me if I was mad at him. I told him, no I wasn't, that it has just been a shock. He told me he had done everything he knew to get my trust back again, and was hurt that he didn't do anything, and he was still getting punished for it. Although he finally admitted that he did know understand why I had gotten upset, and probably would have been the same way if the situation were reversed.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]