Nevanna- I am coming out of the shadows, too. I, for one, LOVE the length and detail of your posts. You clearly lay out your progress with H, the snags, and the different things you do to try and move past them. I think you're doing great!
It's tough to have an H that has a career like yours. Mine owns a body piercing and tattoo shop, so I sympathize with you. Women fall all over my H because he is the owner, and that's always fun when there has been a history of OW's. Add to that a rumor mill that works overtime, and well, it's really a job to keep my reactions under control.
I think what you said about your H needing acceptance is key. I feel like when my H has distanced and/or strayed, it has been during times I was so angry, depressed, or critical, that I was not able to give him ANY accptance. My H's self-esteem is fragile, and this acceptance issue is a bigger deal than he can even admit. I have to validate my butt off when he shares feelings.
I feel a lot of kinship with you and your sitch, although my H has been a bit more unfaithful than yours has (3, instead of two, and all crossed the line into PA's). Dealing with OW's, and attachments to them, is exhausting. My H and I are in MC now, and although neither of us has stated unequivocally that we want this marriage permanently, the counseling is helping us to communicate better, and express our feelings in a safe environment.
One thing that has helped is that our counselor is not the least bt confrontational with my H. She listens to both of us equally, and treats us both with the same respect, so he doesn't have to deal with any "you bad boy" types of behavior from her. I think that is the key thing in finding a therapist who realizes that the relationship is the most important, and not either of the two people involved (or at least that those two people are equally important). Infidelity sucks, but it does happen (please don't think I am saying it is at all right or justified), and you have to find a therapist who isn't bitter herself about it, or she might send your H running!
Good luck in your search for an SBT, and I am sure I'll post to you again! Have a lovely weekend! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
