I also spoke with my IC and she said the same. I do need to work on not being affected by other peoples opinions and feelings. My IC pointed out that I may have issues in this area…and I told her I would be surprised if I don’t. I can remember events in my growling up, my work life and in my personal life where I have felt judged and/or invalidated. What is very hard right now is that I am very alone, I do not have a lot of people around me that I feel safely supported by, and when my family does this, it’s very hard. They should be my safe place and they are not. I don’t have a lot of other safe options available to me for reality checks.
She mentioned there are many things we can work on as we move forward but she wants to be pretty careful with me right now until I get passed the divorce and the move. I agreed, but also told her that I want her to be real with me. I want the 2x4s even if they are hard to hear. I want to grow, I want to become a better person, and I never want to fall in love with someone who is bad for me again. And even though I know I am a good person, I realize that I have things like codependency, trauma, etc, that I need to work through.
On another note… My divorce mediation is next week and I’m very nervous. It all feels so fast…at least when it comes to how much time we have to view docs from discovery. But my L assured me that we will have what we need ready and if we are not happy at this session we can continue to move towards another mediation. So that helped. He also feels pretty confident in his strategy. As part of the divorce process I am writing about the events of my marriage and divorce. And in some ways it’s been healing because I can see on paper that I was doing my best to deal with a very difficult marriage and difficult situations. I see that I went into my marriage full of hope, joy, love and loyalty. I see that I showed up and tried to work through issues, even if I didn’t always do it the right way. I tried with the tools I had. Even though many of you on here have expressed this to me as well, it is really starting to sink in. And that is healing.
I’m so exhausted. I’m also moving next week and I have not even started packing. At least a lot of my stuff is still in boxes. But I will get through it. I have to. No one is going to do it for me. Thank goodness I do not have to move in one day.
Wish me luck with the mediation. Pray that we have a good mediator and that I end up with a generous but fair settlement. I want to move forward. I want to feel secure in my future financially. I want to heal. I’m so ready to be in my so called wonderful future!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
