Okay, I know you people read this, because of the number of views! No one has any input???

So...last night was interesting.

He made this big fuss about how he would rather spend the time with me than xrm. Then, he couldn't get a hold of her for dinner plans. He called, and xrm's sister said she was asleep. Then he called back twice after that, with no answer, and left messages.

On the way out, I joked that maybe she had seen his car at my place and was ditching him. He said that was fine, it would make his life easier if she was playing games, because he just didn't care.

So we wound up going out to eat, since he was on a time limit before work. While we were eating his phone rang (imagine that) and he went off to the restroom to answer it. When he came back, he just he was "sorry about that" and we finished dinner. I didn't ask.

H went to work after that. Sometime after he was gone, I broke down and just starting crying. All the things that he's done that hurt me just came crashing down. I still think I have a lot bottle up inside--it was self defense (denial?) to keep me going with the DB. I've noticed that I'm most likely to break down when things are going well. Like the resistance has stopped, so I'm finally able to crack.

It was like I was mourning the loss of the dream we had had together, mourning the loss of our perfect little relationship. We had always thought we had the best relationship...that very few could compare to ours. And then there were two seperations, a PA, an EA, and lots and lots of hateful words...getting thrown out of my own home...the complete humiliation of it all...

I really let go. Just sat down and cried my eyes out. (I was supposed to have been packing--one week until moving day!)

When my phone rang. I could tell from the ringtone that it was H. I was surprised since he was at work--kind of hard to call from a looud bar. So I answered.

He was just calling because he missed me. (Awwww...) I told him I had been upset. He asked why, and I just said "all this stuff." I think he knew what I meant. Then I told him that I was glad he called--hearing his voice really helped. That this made the third time he's managed to call just at the right moment, when I fell apart, he just didn't know the last two times. He was kind of quiet, said maybe it just proved we really did have a connection, because he had just had the urge to call me.

So, yeah, I didn't do any packing. Actually, I curled up around a pillow and cried myself to sleep. The good kind of cry, the kind that you need to let out.

H came in to spend the night, like he had said. I was happy to see him... He must have had a hard night, because he had a lot on his mind.

He told me that it finally happened--he hadn't recognized one of his flings. Apparentally he had fooled around pretty heavily with one of the waitresses, and she had asked him if he remembered "that night." And it took him a few minutes to remember. And then he had no idea what her name was.

The incident must have really shook him. He pulled me over to lay on his shoulder, and said that he was a w*****. I told him that wasn't true...I didn't think that. He said he had no idea how many he has fooled around with (not actual sex, but close to it). He said that he was just like his dad...that he loved women. I could just hear the shame in his voice.

H has always been very torn. He has a strong desire, but has alwasy resented that desire in himself. He has often been afraid to initiate ML...I think he is ashamed of his own interest...and often deflects his interest, saying things like "guess something's interested," (think of a part of the body) instead of saying "I'm interested."

I told him I didn't think he was a w****. And all that didn't matter, since it was before me. The past is the past. He said that he was just like his dad. I said that he wasn't, that his dad didn't love his mom. He said that he did love me. I told him his dad was abusive, and he agreed he could never hurt me--then he added the word "physically," sounding pretty hurt. I told him that he would never abandon me with kids--and he said, rather vehemently, that he couldn't do that.

H told me that people had noticed he was wearing his wedding ring. (He hasn't taken it off since he put it on last weekend--yay!) I said uh-huh. He said he told them that he didn't want to lose it while he was moving. (Same thing he told me.) Then someone asked why he just didn't put it on another finger, and H said "Because I'm married, and it's sized to fit this finger." His response kind of bugs me now, since he's dismissing the married part of that, but I don't think that was intentional.

He then told me that he was still flirting to get more tips. I told him I knew that. He said sometimes women ask him for a kiss, and say they'll pay him more money, and says okay, telling them it has to be on the cheek. Then the go for the lips anyway, and he just plays it off like, haha that's funny. Obviously I'm bothered. H said he knew it bothered me, and he didn't do it when I was in there because he didn't want to upset me. (Duh...why do something if you know it'll bother me...) But that he just keeps thinking "that $5 will put gas in my car."

The whole time he was telling me this, he seemed so disgusted with himself. He commented at one point, "Why did I ever become a bartender?"

Then he broke down, kind of sobbed, and said, "What was that whole thing with XXXXX?" (Woman he had long EA with before first sep, then went briefly PA.) Then he said, "WTF?" I told him she had screwed with his head, and that it was okay, he was here with me now, and I wasn't going anywhere.

(And BTW, she really did mess with his head. Learned how to manipulate his deepest problems, stuff that I can't go into here on the BB... It was bad enough that he was starting to act genuinely crazy until he cut off contact with her because she was seriously enabling his worst issues. Like the abusive and man who has his wife so convinced that she can't leave because she's not worth it...not exactly the same thing, but she was breaking him down similarly. She actually told him that I was too good for him. This is why I truly hate that woman.)

I held him, and I finally asked who had called while we were at the restaurant. Said I was dieing of curiosity (which was true). He said it was xrm. That she was calm when he said it was too late, and that he was with me. I asked him if he thought the outbursts before were just because of the stress of the situation, and if she had calmed down and would be okay. He said yes, but that she could be triggered again.

He told me that she had this really bad anger problem. That she would just fly off over things like someone cutting in front of her in traffice. This, from a guy who admits he has road rage. Makes me wonder what he sees in her...

H then said, of all things, that he missed her. That he had wanted to call her and tell her something earlier. (After he made this big deal of not wanting to be around her.) And that he had promised to change the oil for her car on Sunday. (Yes, he does this type of thing with male friends.) He then said he would try to do the dinner on that day, too, to get it all in in one day. (WTF?? He's soooo contradictory...) I'm not entirely convinced that the "breaking away slowly" is all to just keep her from going over the edge...I think he's not capable of walking away completely, either.

I'm tired of xrm. So, so tired. I honestly think it would be best for both of them if he stayed far away from her. Clearly, they're both a little too attached. (Despite what he says.)

The next time he asks my advice, I'm going to calmly tell him that...but not make an ultimatum or anything like that. Those don't work.

When I got up this morning, my head was swimming with ideas to help H with his self-esteem/self-worth/boundary issues. I could teach him the 180 or how to act "as if."

Then it occurred to me. This is more of the same for me. I have always wanted to "help" him--which means I tell him "you need to do this so that you get this result." Never works. I know this, I just forgot it. What does work is letting him own his own problems.

Otherwise, he feels like I think he's not capable. H is opening up completely to me again. He's telling me all his deepest fears and feelings. I shouldn't take that and go "here's how to fix it!" Kind of implies I think there's smething wrong with him, even if I'm only trying to help. H has suggested MC, so I think I'm going to look up an SBT therapist after we move. Maybe get a reference from Michele's office, if I can. And, maybe suggest he listen to my KLA CD's. That's it. Let him learn how to handle his own problems, instead of me trying to pick up the pieces like I used to do all the time.

Something else I thought of while I was writing this all out... Both the manipulative b!tch (yes I have an aversion to calling her OW or xOW--my coping method...so what! ) and xrm, from H's descriptions, are incredibly temperamental and very vindictive. We're talking mean, selfish, self-centered personalities. I can't figure out why he would want to hang around people like that--except for the fact that they both gave him the impression that he was really important. He actually complained once that xrm paid less attention to him after they moved in together. (Yeah, that was annoying to hear.)

H backed away from me when I started being more critical. When he felt like I was less accepting of him. And he sought out the first person who he thought paid attention to him (even though these weren't the nicest people.)

I need to make certain to see what I'm doing that makes H feel less accepted, makes him think I am criticizing him. And pay more attention to things that help H feel more supported and creates positive memories.

Which means...not pushing about xrm. () Even though his handling of it makes me nuts.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]