I'm Back after 1st DB

[Traveler]

You are not validating that she is leaving/cheating/lying/breaking vows/being disrespectful. You are validating her feelings.

So what are you exactly validating?

Well, she's really got me today. Pushing for a fight, asking me at 8pm to go over divorce numbers. I actually started to raise my voice when I said I'm going to bed. She had no qualms to argue back in front of the kids.

The below take into account Josh's ambivalence about remaining married.

OPTION #1 - Active Listening & Validation
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers, I'll reply within 3 days." <Boundary>
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: "'Now' sounds important"
Her: "Yes! You threatened to leave. WHAT ABOUT OUR KIDS?! We need an agreement about custody, rent, food, etc."
Me: "You're upset because you worried I might leave without addressing those."
Her: "Yes, whatever's happening between us, we're BOTH parents."
Me: "I hear you. I agree our kids must be provided for. Well, I don't plan to leave anymore."
Her: "What if you change your mind--AGAIN?!"
Me: "Because one day I'm upset and going, the next day I'm staying."
Her: "Yes!!! Exactly."
Me: "That makes sense. I'm so tired now. If you e-mail me tonight, I promise I will reply within a few days on all these important topics, and that I won't move anywhere else before I do."

OPTION #2 - Walking Away
Her: "I'd like to go over the divorce details."
Me: "If you e-mail your numbers, I'll reply within 3 days." <Boundary>
Her: (With an edge) "I want to do this now."
Me: "I'm so tired now. Goodnight."
Her: Curmudgeon!!! MONKEY'S UNCLE--
Me: <shuts door>

That's a quick attempt! Active listening and validation tend to defuse hostility. Walking away minimizes creating new hostility. Both are vastly better IMHO than arguing or fighting if you want to salvage your marriage or have a good co-parenting relationship.

Because validating typically comes off as condescendingg anyway.

It can come across as condescending the first few times. Practice on everyone around you--these techniques aren't just for troubled relationships. They also strengthen good relationships!