Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[may22]

She is trying to build those legs btw but the fantastical nature of how she thinks the post-D future will pan out is just mind-boggling.

bahahaha, my H thought he and AP would live next door and he would still come over for dinner every night with the family. We would still be best friends. WSs totally live in this crazy fantasy land.

@may22, this is such a huge challenge. I get put into difficult situations daily. Handling those without fighting or appearing controlling is why I ask so many questions of a tactical nature in this forum. I think living together also increases her urge to bring up her pov again and again (I don't mind her doing that btw). I was out for a day on Fri for a GAL activity, and she sent me a few long messages that were painful even though I am trying to detach (because of the revisionism). She is actively creating negatives in even overwhelmingly positive experiences and that is hard to digest. My handling is getting better, however.

My advice-- just don't let her negatives affect you. Detach. She's all over the place and don't let her drag you around. DnJ on the MLC board has some great advice (not sure exactly where it is located these days) on how your spouse is like a runaway train and you can let yourself be dragged all over by her or you can simply untether yourself and detach. Run on your own steam in your own direction. If the messages are painful, don't read them until you have time and space to do so. Or simply don't read them. Remind yourself not to believe anything they say and half of what they do. She might say something totally different tomorrow. She may just be trying to elicit a reaction from you. Don't take the bait. I basically got to a point where all I was saying was, okay. I get that you feel that way. You do what you need to do. My H really wanted me to agree with him that we should get Ded. I refused-- if he wanted to separate or D, that was his choice. He was free to do so. But I wasn't going to handle it for him. I also got to a point where (most of the time, not all) I could just let him talk to me about how he was feeling and I just let it roll off my back. He was reinventing the past-- he was free to do so. How he was thinking about our past- yes, maybe hurtful that he was saying those things, but I knew it was BS and wasn't going to let his crazy become my crazy. Does that make sense? Just focus on yourself and what you know to be true and let her BS roll off your back. Or avoid these conversations totally if they are painful. Do not engage or spend a lot of time parsing it out. They follow a very clear script on all of this, which is both wild but also helped me to realize I was not alone and this was all par for the course.

She keeps calling my efforts fake and forced. Clearly it is not that, because I am genuinely feeling happy about myself and about what I am doing. Several members have called it for what it is - typical WAS behavior because these efforts go against their narrative. But she brings it up again and again. Should I just not respond to it but let the chat continue? Or should I set a boundary here that if she says that again then I will not participate in that chat? Should I let her know when I am exiting that it is because I don't have to hear myself getting called fake repeatedly?

Again-- she's free to think what she wants. You know the truth. I wouldn't fight with her or get defensive. I don't know that I'd set a boundary to not discuss it-- does it harm you for her to tell you your efforts are fake and forced when you know they are not? Who cares what she thinks? My husband said some of the same things too. If I were you I'd just say... okay. I hear you. It's fine if you want to think that. And stop engaging on it. Not getting defensive or arguing will take the wind out of her sails pretty quickly. You've probably said your piece about how this is all change you are making for yourself and blah blah blah. She doesn't need to hear that again. Just keep on focusing on yourself and your positive changes. It really doesn't matter if she recognizes them as fake or real or not, since you aren't doing them to win her back. (Right? That is the key.)

Basically-- you don't need to validate her if you don't want to, but don't engage. Don't get defensive. Don't get sucked into R talks. Go about your business, GAL, and focus on your son. He's going to need you.