I am really grumpy today. Three nights in a row of only 4 hours of sleep...oooh...I could really bite someone's head off today. Or fall asleep typing at work.

When I don't get enough sleep, I get mean. I'm sure my last several posts have gotten progressively more vicious. Ah, well. (And my thinking becomes a whole lot less linear...hopefully this post will make sense...)

So we're done moving H!! Okay, I gave up at 1am and now have a van full of his stuff outside of work today. But it's all out of the apartment!

H was at my place yesterday after I got out of work. We had to wait for it to stop pouring rain before we could leave to go get the rest of his things.

While we were waiting, I started trying to seduce him. I was having a fun time doing a sort of strip-tease, and H was complaining (joking) that we would never get out of the apartment at that rate. In the middle of this, H's phone rang. So he got up to answer this.

Which...made me feel pretty crappy. Ruined my entire mood. I just gave up at that point. Got irritated with his whole "secretive" thing, and take off to just get the phone. Since I was already tired, I of course didn't think through it much, and didn't tell him I was hurt, and instead switched back into my old mode of being sulky.

H asked me, while we were driving to his place, what was wrong. Stupid me, I said nothing. I should have just told him, not sure why I said that. But then I was hesitant to bring it back up.

I really don't like his place anymore. On the one hand it feels like it should be home--but, at the same time, it doesn't. Very frustrating.

The first load filled up the van pretty quickly. We still had his bed in it, so all we did was pile some stuff on top of that. On one trip, H was really far behind me. I debated whether or not I should go back up, since he might have gotten sidetracked on the phone. I finally decided to see if he needed help, and was most of the way back when H came out--looking like he was about to drop everything he had in his arms. So I grabbed something. He looked incredibly surprised...said he thought I had "forgotten about him." I said of course not, I had just been debating whether or not he was on the phone. H said I never would have come back for him before. (I don't think this is true...I think he just thinks it was...)

I had been biting my tongue a couple of times, realized I was in a bad mood. Couldn't decide if it was just because I was tired, or if I had a real reason. I finally decided I wanted to talk about it after we started driving to MIL's house.

So I asked him if we could talk, that I was irritated, and I just wanted to get it out. He said okay. I told him I was mad because of the position he's put me in. And that all I heard for the weeks leading up to me having to leave (I've been very careful to not say "kicked out," although that's more accurate) was xrm's name. That it made me sick.

H said he felt bad about what happened. He hadn't meant to do it that way, that he was trying to take care of it. I told him I knew that, I wasn't trying to "punish" him or make him feel bad. I just needed to talk to let out some of my feelings. That this was actually a good thing for me--and him--because it helped me move on. He seemed kind of doubtful.

I told him I was like him--how he told me he needed to talk and talk and talk until he felt better, and that's what I was trying to do. That I just needed to vent, and this is one of things that I need out of this R. So he said okay. Then I told him that it was like someone had kicked me in the stomach when he told me that xrm had moved in there. He said he knew that, he felt really, incredibly bad.

Then I told H that it really made me sick that he still wanted to be friends with xrm. That he could still want to be around someone who had, on some level, made a threat toward me. H said he thought I was okay with the idea of them still being friends. I said that I had been, until she got all crazy. H then, of all things, compared her to a "crack addict"--said she had called him earlier, that he didn't want to hang out with her anymore, but that she knew where he worked and where I lived right then, and he was trying to back out more slowly. Implied he didn't want to push her over the edge by just stopping all contact with her. How weird is that!? But, with the way H thinks, I can really see him trying to gradually cut her out (since she did completely flip) because he's worried about his job and me. That's very in line with his personality.

We unloaded the van at MIL's, then stopped to eat out. (Pretty funny, since we weren't exactly cleaned up.) I was already incredibly tired, which is probably why I brought all this crap up, and didn't handle it nearly as well as I should have. While we were waiting, I tried to gently bring up the subject of why I was so touchy about the phone calls. I wanted to talk to him about my trust issues.

So I told him I was uncomfortable by all of the secretiveness of his phone calls earlier. He quickly said "it wasn't who you think." I told him that wasn't the problem, just that I felt like he was hiding things from me. He said he wasn't. I said I had trouble trusting him. H then blurted "it's all in the past, it's all new, remember?" with this panicky look. I clearly bombed this convo. So I just let it drop when the good arrived.


Then went back for the last load. While driving up, H commented on the things about me that were different that he hadn't expected. I told him he had changed for the better, as well. He asked me how so. I said that he was much more considerate now. Like when we moved into that apartment, I remember him telling me that he was hurting his back to get it done, so I should, too. (I have a bad lower back, which as everyone knows, never really gets back to normal.) But, now, he was telling me to be careful, not to strain it again. He apologized, looked a little bothered. I told him it was okay, I was pointing out how he was being more considerate of me--and that was a good thing. (Can't even compliment him without him taking it the wrong way...)

We both did a lot of talking, going between his apartment and the van. It was a lot more productive than our earlier conversation while driving. I told H how badly I had missed him. That I had insomnia for the first two weeks, and that I used to wake up every our looking for him. H said that he had done the same--kept waking up, confused on why I wasn't there. He said eventually he probably would have just given up and "begged for me to let him come home," even if things hadn't changed like he wanted them to.

H at one point said the weirdest thing I have heard him say yet. Asked me if I had understood the code. I asked him what he meant by that. He said that's why he called me every day. I said at first he had called me exactly every other day. H said he made sure to call me every day so that I would know he loved me and wouldn't ultimately leave me. (HUH??) I told him I didn't understand. He said I had told him, after the first sep, that I had known he wasn't really going to leave me because he had called me every day. (Not that I remembered this, although it does sound like something I would say.)

H said he was just glad I had stopped yelling at him. I told him I only yelled because he did. And he only yelled because I did. I don't think he quite understood that... Sometimes I wish I could DB-enlighten him, although I was thinking of lending him my KLA CD's.

Just as we were finishing up stuffing things into the van, around 11:30 or so, I completely ran out of energy. Laid down on the floor of the apartment, and just couldn't get up. H was asking me to help him with what little was left, and I just couldn't do it. I stayed on the floor for a while...I'm not even sure how long...I was in such a fog.

H then almost begged me to help him finish. I actually broke down and started crying while I was carrying whatever it was down to the van, just because I was completely exhausted. I wasn't upset or anything, just crying out of complete exhaustion. Then I was convinced H was going to get mad at me for "quitting" on him--which is what he would have done before.

A couple of times he said something, about almost being done, but he never quite got to the point he would have before and yelled. I finally almost literally couldn't move anymore (three days in a row was just too much on top of work), and just sat in the driver's seat of the van waiting on H. He made a couple of more trips, the got his wallet out of the van, and said he was going to the pub before he went to my place.

I got mad, and made some really snide remark about it being nice to have his little life and be able to go out and do whatever he wanted. In retrospect, I should have realized he wasn't going to drink or anything, because that didn't make sense. But, hey, I was practically asleep sitting there. H said he wasn't going to drink, just needed to see if someone was in there. (Again with the lack of information...)

We didn't unload the van. So I drove home. Stumbled upstairs, somehow walked the dog, and crawled into bed. (Okay, the floor, which I'm still sleeping on because of my back.)

H came in later. Not sure when. Must have taken a shower. He tried to seduce me--came in all clean after his shower and climbed on me. I don't know why, but it kind of panicked me that he was coming after me for ML. I can't recall ever feeling this way before. I don't know if it was the way he approached me, because I was asleep, or what. But at that moment, the idea of ML really made me uncomfortable--kind of scared, almost. And...I was really, really tired. H said it would help me pass out. I said I already was. (Which was true.)

I don't plan on telling him that. I have never had that reaction before. H would take it way out of context (I know it wasn't him!), and probably almost completely stop initiating. I don't want that! He's only recently become comfortable in approaching me for ML, in admitting that he's in the mood. I would hate to ruin that progress. But then...I want to tell him...I'm just afraid he will blow it out of proportion.

Not sure when he left. I think not too long after that. He came in and kissed me before he took off. I know the ML was his way of trying to be appreciative toward me. And I wish I had been less tired (and not freaked out, whatever that was about). It would have been nice to be close with him.

Right now, I just want to crawl back into bed...

It's hard to talk to H about the things that upset me, because then it hurts him, too. But that's getting better. Apparentally, H is the same way with me. Progress, but slooooowly....and, of course, when H gets hurt, he puts up his strong exterior showing of the "tough guy." He really is compensating for how vulnerable he feels, and I need to remember that.

Okay, I'm feeling less grumpy after writing--which leaves me with just tired. I want H acknowledge how much I did for him, how hard I pushed myself for him. And I want to be pampered or taken care of tonight. So I'm going to be careful and not snap or gripe--that puts him on the defensive (and makes him mean). I'm going to make a major effort to just be calm. That should, I think, get his sympathy...and the attention I'm craving right now.


[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]