Create the life...

[Elbereth]

My, it's been a stressful few weeks.

Leaving the job... It was demoralizing to not have anyone ask me to stay, but then again, I've been strung along with empty promises so long, why did I expect anything different? It just hard I guess to realize that you can invest so much of yourself into your work and marriage and in the end, it just gets tossed aside. And you are left feeling like it was all such a waste of time.

Feelings and emotions are born from the subconscious. This realm is influenced by our thoughts and actions and values, and is not directly controllable. Makes it all the harder to pinpoint specific wording to describe what one is feeling.

So true. I find I struggle to put my feelings into words. And when I try, I feel like I'm defending myself and not understood...not here...but with people who know me. My brother stopped by and I got all sweaty and upset talking to him. I know he is coming from a place of love, but he told me that he thinks I need to be more positive and he thinks I should do this, or that, and why don't I talk to them about where I am at. And how he doesn't understand why I seem to be so buried in it, and not through it.

While within the strange limbo of depression it is near impossible to imagine a bright future. It’s one of the elements that define depression, the lack of ability to see feel a better future.

You touched on something, an excellent way forward (IMHO) - “But in my soul, I don’t feel it yet”.

Faith, belief, soul - is more than feelings. It’s not thoughts. It’s not feelings. It’s both and neither. It’s faith. Ha, like I said, difficult to convey with words. You won’t feel it in your soul, and you so very will. (Honest, I’m not talking in circles. Lol)

I told him I don't see it yet...and that has to be okay. I am moving forward the best way I can.

This last bit, depression, is the hardest of the path towards acceptance. Everything, the loss, becomes real. Is real. You are just finding your way to emotionally accepting that. By the way, you’ve long ago intellectually accepted/understood what happened; emotional acceptance is basically emotional understanding.

A few ideas and bits of advice/suggestions from what I discovered:

I lost the person I thought was the love of my life: Yes you did loose H. Yes you did, and still do, love H. And you have temporarily lost the love of your life, which is you! Love you! First and foremost. H’s path is about him, always has been. Your path is about you.

I lost my dream home: It is difficult letting go of a dream/reality. The sticks and walls of that house did not contain the feelings and beliefs of the dream and of home. You did! You can believe and live and have another dream home, and life.

I lost myself: (((Hugs))) Finding ourselves within all this wreckage, discovering ourselves - again, is amazing. This golden opportunity is painful and so worth the effort. For a while, I did not see my great future. Did not look forward to tomorrow. Now, things are very much different and blessed.

I lose the job I had wanted for so long: You haven’t lost the job, yet. Ensure you make decisions based upon intellect and reason, not those temporary and fleeting feelings.

The washing machine is an excellent analogy. The spin cycle. When will it stop. And so on… For what it’s worth, realize we don’t get the stains out. Those stains are what make us better than before. Love and embrace your life and past. Each and every past moment was necessary. Each and every present moment is an opportunity.

Thanks for this...

My mom will listen on the phone, but it’s not enough. Especially because her own unhappiness always becomes the biggest part of the conversation. And she will say things like “I just don’t want you to ever end up like me” and I get angry because the example she is setting is so bad. She used to be strong. I just find it so frustrating. And I feel sad that she will die so unhappy. But I also know I can change it for her. But it still makes the whole relationship so hard on me emotionally.

I am guessing you meant “…I can’t change it for her.”

However, I also suppose part of you is saying you feel you can make her life a bit brighter. Although the burden of doing so is temporarily just that - a burden.

Yes, all this and the above is true. And, yes "I can't change it for her" is what I meant. Typos. And yes, I listen to try to help her even though sometimes I dread our conversations for it.

I realized she is very codependent and that her stresses are what drives her. And I also realize there are some of those behaviors that I inherited...such as doing too much for the ones I love and losing myself in the process.

It is so hard to watch and let such occur in someone we love so. And yes, there are feelings of guilt.

Our path. Along with our own mid life transition, our spouse’s crisis, all the loss, we are coming to terms with our parents’ morality. (And our own.)

So true.

I mean I am kind of functioning. I got my health back, I’m eating decent, I’m getting some exercise, I’m doing things with friends, I’m reading and healing, but I’m also still struggling…to get through the divorce, to now find a new job/direction, to move into an apartment… I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet. Feeling unmotivated. By not being able to dream about anything, except if I will watch a show on Netflix with popcorn or go to bed. It’s a chore to get through each day. I feel like I’m in a fog…distracted, shut down, lost.

Elbereth, struggling is ok. Snails pace is ok. 1% forward, heck 0.1% forward IS infinitely better than 0%. You are making progress!

“I can’t stop moving because I feel like I have no choice, but my mind and body I think are trying to get me to stop…not by screaming and falling apart. But rather by going quiet.”

That concerns me a bit. You feel compelled to keep moving? What happens when you just be calm and still?

To be clear, I’m not worried you are heading to some disaster. No, I just see you needing to reconcile your “cars”. To get your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual paths aligned. With those four cars more side by side and travelling similar speed and direction, much peace and contentment awaits.

I do like my car analogy (if you recall it from a couple of years ago). We can only drive on car at a time. We switch or focus on one of our four paths at a time. An accuracy which allows one to see deficits in one path vs another, and allows one to maintain enough focus and conscious investment into all paths to ensure we are journeying well.

Perhaps your physical car needs to pull over for a bit. However, in truth, I believe it’s your emotional car that is zooming along. Doing things because you feel you need to. Take the focus off that “needed to” action, and do something not needed to. If that makes any sense.

I don't feel like time is allowing me to be able to adjust the focus where I need it to be. I am sort of forced into a timeline with the move, the mediation, etc. I'm trying. I am trying to take time for my mental and physical health, but I am not in a position to sit still. At least not for long. I did take the weekend to relax...but now this week I have to get ready for mediation and for the move...

Yes you are strong and will make your way through the fog. The demands of day to day living do tend to pile up once and a while. It is a nice wish to just be able focus on other parts of one’s life for a bit. Of course you know you can’t. Well, won’t is really what’s going on. Seeing it as can’t removes your control of the situation.

I will take time after I get through this period. At least where I can while I try to find new work.

Realize you are not alone on this journey. Several folks are walking beside you.

Knowing this is helping me to keep going. Thank you to all of you sharing this awful journey with me.

El