Sorry you find your way back here Josh. Sometimes false starts on R are the reality. I have one in my past that lasted 12 years! And it went back to exactly what you stated, not putting in the real work before Ring the first time.
However, I see in your new post that you are already finding excuses not get back to DB 101. GAL like a madman! Self improvements, you are already doing this but double-down on working on becoming your best self! Keep up the IC for yourself! And then finally, you admit to over attachment. So work on emotionally detaching. I read as much as I could on detachment in my situation. One book I read referred to it as self-differentiation. Google "self-differentiation in marriage". Being differentiated is really the healthiest way to be in a relationship, never losing your identity. So make that one of your journeys, go back (as part of GAL) and get back into touch with who you were before you were married with kids. THis doesn't mean go out and meet chicks! It means there was a Josh that attracted your wife originally, remember him? Reconnecting with your old self will help you with detachment!
While I like the anxious, avoidant stuff from a knowledge standpoint, one of the thing that labelling people those things is people will point to them to excuse their actions. "I have an avoidant personality, so that is just who I am!" Huh? Once you are armed with that information you can use it to CHANGE your normal, not remain stuck in it. So while I applaud your journey to learn about you and your wife's attachment style, do not let it define you!
Josh, I would avoid some of the things you proposed. "I am in the process of improving connection with not bottling things up, asking for help, calling out behaviour, more boundary setting, more compliments. No issues so far, but now I'm afraid of looking needy.
I wanted to sit down and tell her my feelings that I understand her BD but also disappointed because we are doing IC."
Words are not going to help you. Trying to reconnect with her will be met with continued resistance. Complimenting her is just like saying "I love you". It reminds her that she doesn't feel it right now. Obviously reminding her that she doesn't feel that way for you isn't what you want to do.
I sense you are in "I want to fix it" mode. The problem is that you cannot fix. In fact, trying to fix it will only make it worse. Think of a layman that has car trouble, trying to tear their engine apart. They do not have the knowledge, and therefore power, to fix their car. Right now you do not have the power to fix your marriage, so trying to do so will only make it worse. So back off of that, give her time and space so she can figure out her own stuff, and you go focus on yourself.
Read sandi's rules. Sandi's rules, I believe, were at least a part of my sitch turning around 4 years ago. They are gold!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
