I think my journals get longer and longer...LOL...
(warning: this is venting )
Okay. I am very sick of xrm. H just called me, he had just woke up. He wanted to tell me to not come directly over after work, because xrm would be coming by to get her stuff. Which is fine. I understand exactly what kind of scene he's trying to avoid.
He told me about his convo with xrm. That he had called her just before me, to ask her to come get the last of her stuff. That she had asked him if something was wrong, that he sounded funny. H said he was just tired. She asked again what was wrong. H told he just didn't know what to do about the whole mess.
I am so ticked off at him. On some level, he clearly still wants to be friends with this girl. After all this nonsense! Hello, she has a problem with him spending time with me, his wife.
She has cussed him out, left him horrible messages, stolen money from him, refused to pay her half of the rent this month. He doesn't want me around her because he's afraid she'll do/say something to me. He was paranoid she was going to show up at my apartment in the middle of the night, so much so that he asked me to spend the night somewhere else. He keeps asking me to make sure that I'm armed, and paying attention. And he keeps checking every car that drives by to see if it's her! Not to mention that she's gotten really creepy about the cats...
And he still wishes that they could be friends! It makes me soooo mad. I'm looking over my shoulder all day long, and he's sorry his friendship went down the tubs.
Okay, he's not really that stupid. I don't think he still wants to be friends with her, just that he wishes it hadn't gotten so out of hand. Can you say "EA"?
I realize it's not her so much that he's missing, as what he thought his friendship with her was and the way she made him feel. But it still burns me up.
Okay. Taking a deep breath. I feel better now. He will come around, he will see how silly all of this is. I just need to let him take it at his own pace. I pushed and insisted before with his "friend" (PA) after first sep, not going to do that this time. He has made a point of telling me I win, he chooses me. I have to let him handle this his own way. (Just reminding myself of stuff I already know.)
H had asked me during the earlier phone convo if I could bring him something to eat. At the time I had told him no, I couldn't.
Well, I decided to surprise him. So I went to the Marsh by his apartment to pick up something quick. H is really good at ruining my surprises--he calls me, says he has an emergency, and askes where I'm at.
So of course I told him I was right by his place. The "emergency" turned out be that he didn't know when BIL2's flight was getting in from Cancun. (Yes, he's really good at exagerating things.)
I got him some chicken, and we ate for a bit. He was surprised (and thankful) after all. He did mention to me he thought that the thing with roommate had progressed to an emotional affair, but that when he felt it hit that point, he got uncomfortable, backed off, and started changing what he was doing--and emphasized again there was no PA. (Wow, what an admission for him. It's hard to admit that kind of thing.) I told him I understood, it's hard to see that line at times, and he did what he should have.
We made plans for me to go home after work, which gave him time for roommate to come get the last few things she had forgotten. He did mention that she was "kind of scaring him" with her behavior. (He has had a stalker in the past.) So much for my not giving him enough credit--guess he is starting to see through her some. It must be painful for him.
I think my being there for 10 minutes was too short for him--he told me he missed me before I even got out of the door. He promised to call me and wake me up later, after she's gone, so hopefully we can get this crap down with tonight. There's so little stuff left in the apartment, one good trip should do it.
I went home after work, took a nap, and waited for H's call. The dog must have missed me, because she slept right on top of me. Which would have been fine...but I had given her a bath, and she got me soaking wet. Ah, well.
H told me xrm hadn't been mean or yelled like he expected. I was actually disapointed. I get a vindictive pleasure when she shows her true colors. He said she was just hurt because "everyone in her life had left her at some point--her parents, all her friends..." I just listened, although I was thinking I would want to get away from someone who went off the handle as easily as her.
I had been talking about my writing here on the BB, and how helpful it was to me. I have long since stopped hiding my copy of DR, and he's seen the KLA CD's. He commented that Michele's stuff seemed to have really helped me, and I said it had. That his board was the best therapy I had ever tried (I've tried 3 different C's, and never gone back for more than one session).
H then said something that completely took me by surprise. He actually said he wanted to try MC with me. (WTF??? OMG!) I had tried to get him to do this a couple of times, and he refused. Said it was a waste of time. I was so caught off guard, I didn't really say anything.
When I got to H's apartment, he had managed to do a lot during the day. I asked him if he would help me pack, since I had been helping him move, and he said of course he would.
H made a comment that he felt like fooling around, and I told him I would love to, just that it would take time, and he wanted to be done. Well, we wound up ML anyway. H made the comment that it had been a couple of days, and he really missed it. (Is this the same guy?? The guy who seemed happy with, oh, once a month--and when asked, just said "that's the way he was"?? Clearly there was more going on, he just wasn't willing to talk to me about it.) He also said that he couldn't believe that he got sex pretty much whenever he wanted. I just told him it's not like I minded...
I told H his comment about MC really surprised me. He asked if that was a good or bad thing. (LOL!) I told him I was really flattered, he had just completely caught me by surprise. H said he just wanted to make sure that we never split up again. Not that he felt our problems were that severe anymore. I think he sees how helpful DB has been for me, and is, maybe, a tad jealous...
While we were packing, H started in with the scenario questions. He has always done this, but the're just so much more bothersome to me now... So H says, "It would have really hurt you if I did have sex with [xrm], wouldn't it?" I said of course it would have. (Whoops...not the answer I had planned to give him--I guess I was too distracted packing.) He then said, "What would you have done if she had wound up being my girlfriend?" I replied, "I would have been lik 'Hm. I saw that coming."
He then asked me what I would have done if we had gotten a D, then he had remarried to xrm. (Yeah, that would have been smart.) I told him I would have said "Good luck, have a nice life--you're even more likely to D her, since a M with a person whom you had an affair with during your previous M has an even worse chance, statistically speaking, of ending up in D as well." He looked surprised, and walked over to me. Then he asked if I would have fought to get him back. I told him no, at that point I would have let him go, because I would have just been done with the whole mess, and sick of having been lied to. He asked, again, if I would have fought for him. I told him no--doing that, pursuing behavior, only makes the person run away faster, so no, I would not have tried to stop him. He just gave me a hug, and went back to what he was doing.
A few minutes later, he said he was feeling weirded out. (I wonder why?? Okay, that was more than a little sarcastic... My humor gets progressively meaner the less sleep I have...) I asked him what was wrong, and he said he didn't know. So I went over, gave him a big hug, and lots of kisses. That made him smile, although I don't think it completely fixed the problem.
When H took a smoke break--he must be stressed with this whole xrm thing, he started smoking again--he said the whole thing with xrm was really sad earlier. He said she had been really nice, but he thought it might have been a ploy to get him to let his guard down. But that he did tell her she could call him.
This made me a little uncomfortable. One minute he tells me he still thinks that she might still be nuts, the next he says he still might be friends with her. But I had promised myself I would just listen, and let him handle it, no matter how bad I wanted to ask him to never be around her again. Maybe I should tell him that I'm nervous or scared all the time now...? (Although not totally true.) But I guess that would just be plain manipulative. He really does need to see this for himself--I know he will, I just don't have any kind of patience.
Then he said it felt like a final goodbye earlier. Not an "I'll see you later." So that did make me feel better. I think the best thing I can do is not push, just let him handle it his way.
We had agreed that two van trips could get the entire place cleared out, so I would just stay up late with him and help him get it done. I wanted to do all of the heavy stuff first, to get it out of the way when I was less tired.
So we took the king-sized bed down first. His box springs are a pair of twin-sized--which H said were "very light" and we could each take one. So I go to pick one up and...huh...yeah, real light. I could handle it, but H could see me wobbling with it on the long hike to the parking lot. He commented, again, that maybe he really was that much stronger than me. (Nah...) He made it to the van before me, then came back to take my box springs, against my protests.
I checked H's cell once we got upstairs, to see if MIL had called. There was a missed call, so I checked his phone list. (I was telling H while I was doing this, so I really wasn't snooping.) I commented that he had a missed (prefix) number, but not his mom. He got sort of agitated, then wondered if it was too late to return it, before going outside to return the call. (Never stopped him from calling me in the middle of the night.) I'm betting it was roommate, but who knows? I didn't ask; he didn't volunteer.
Next we took two fairly heavy boxes. H did give me the lighter of the two. I was still clearly straining with it. I paused halfway, to set it down for a minute. H told me to wait, he would come back and get it from me--he didn't want me hurt my back. (Moving into this apartment, he used to tell me that he hurt his back to get it done, so I should just suck it.) I told him it was too late, it was already sore from the previous day--and finished carrying it to the van.
We had to take off then, to pick up BIL2 from the airport. (There was no one else.) Why neither of us thought about me just staying and taking a nap on the floor, I don't know (shows you when you're tired, you can't think straight). But I went with H to the airport. We took the SP, and after we found the correct baggage claim, started (jokingly) arguing over who got to play Zelda. I commented, "How old are we?" And H laughed. So I played for a bit, then he played for a bit. We didn't have to wait too long on BIL2.
H tried to kidnap him for the moving effort, but that didn't work. So we had to take him home. I laid down in the back seat of the car. They were talking about his trip, and H wanted to know if the people in the pueblo had asked as much about me as when H had gone down by himself last year. I think it's a bit of an ego boost for him. BIL2 confirmed, with a loud groan, that yes, they were still fascinated by our M.
So we took BIL2 home. I curled up on the couch. (It was already way past my bedtime.) H was getting really affectionate, lots of ILY, and wanting to be next to me.
By the time we left, we were both out of it. So we just went to get the van, then spent the night at my place, since H didn't have any clothes anywhere else. So, unfortunately, we still aren't done with the moving.
By then I was ridiculously whiny and grumpy. Can't even remember what I was saying, but at one point, H told me I was being annoying. I told him I knew I was, I was sorry, I was just tired. But H must be very appreciative of my efforts to help him. He told me he would take me out to a movie when we were done, and he was massaging on my lower back, and then he even pushed on my spine like I'm always asking him to. (Yes, it feels very good, it often gets out of alignment when I do anything physical.) He even offered to start packing today while I was at work, and asked me where to start.
When I got up this morning, I was in a bad mood. Still no hot water, although that's supposed to be taken care of today. (Long story.) And second night in a row of about 4 hours of sleep. Yeah, I'm feeling grumpy. (Should be obvious from my post, by now. ) But I know it's just because I'm tired...I'm going to try to take a nap once I get home, that should help even out my mood.
And then...that stupid apartment will be gone for good! Yay!
Do you have your own thread? I looked up all of your posts, and didn't see one. Start a new thread over in Newcomers with a bit of background, and you'll get tons of attention, and that way I can help you more specifically.
I am really grumpy today. Three nights in a row of only 4 hours of sleep...oooh...I could really bite someone's head off today. Or fall asleep typing at work.
When I don't get enough sleep, I get mean. I'm sure my last several posts have gotten progressively more vicious. Ah, well. (And my thinking becomes a whole lot less linear...hopefully this post will make sense...)
So we're done moving H!! Okay, I gave up at 1am and now have a van full of his stuff outside of work today. But it's all out of the apartment!
H was at my place yesterday after I got out of work. We had to wait for it to stop pouring rain before we could leave to go get the rest of his things.
While we were waiting, I started trying to seduce him. I was having a fun time doing a sort of strip-tease, and H was complaining (joking) that we would never get out of the apartment at that rate. In the middle of this, H's phone rang. So he got up to answer this.
Which...made me feel pretty crappy. Ruined my entire mood. I just gave up at that point. Got irritated with his whole "secretive" thing, and take off to just get the phone. Since I was already tired, I of course didn't think through it much, and didn't tell him I was hurt, and instead switched back into my old mode of being sulky.
H asked me, while we were driving to his place, what was wrong. Stupid me, I said nothing. I should have just told him, not sure why I said that. But then I was hesitant to bring it back up.
I really don't like his place anymore. On the one hand it feels like it should be home--but, at the same time, it doesn't. Very frustrating.
The first load filled up the van pretty quickly. We still had his bed in it, so all we did was pile some stuff on top of that. On one trip, H was really far behind me. I debated whether or not I should go back up, since he might have gotten sidetracked on the phone. I finally decided to see if he needed help, and was most of the way back when H came out--looking like he was about to drop everything he had in his arms. So I grabbed something. He looked incredibly surprised...said he thought I had "forgotten about him." I said of course not, I had just been debating whether or not he was on the phone. H said I never would have come back for him before. (I don't think this is true...I think he just thinks it was...)
I had been biting my tongue a couple of times, realized I was in a bad mood. Couldn't decide if it was just because I was tired, or if I had a real reason. I finally decided I wanted to talk about it after we started driving to MIL's house.
So I asked him if we could talk, that I was irritated, and I just wanted to get it out. He said okay. I told him I was mad because of the position he's put me in. And that all I heard for the weeks leading up to me having to leave (I've been very careful to not say "kicked out," although that's more accurate) was xrm's name. That it made me sick.
H said he felt bad about what happened. He hadn't meant to do it that way, that he was trying to take care of it. I told him I knew that, I wasn't trying to "punish" him or make him feel bad. I just needed to talk to let out some of my feelings. That this was actually a good thing for me--and him--because it helped me move on. He seemed kind of doubtful.
I told him I was like him--how he told me he needed to talk and talk and talk until he felt better, and that's what I was trying to do. That I just needed to vent, and this is one of things that I need out of this R. So he said okay. Then I told him that it was like someone had kicked me in the stomach when he told me that xrm had moved in there. He said he knew that, he felt really, incredibly bad.
Then I told H that it really made me sick that he still wanted to be friends with xrm. That he could still want to be around someone who had, on some level, made a threat toward me. H said he thought I was okay with the idea of them still being friends. I said that I had been, until she got all crazy. H then, of all things, compared her to a "crack addict"--said she had called him earlier, that he didn't want to hang out with her anymore, but that she knew where he worked and where I lived right then, and he was trying to back out more slowly. Implied he didn't want to push her over the edge by just stopping all contact with her. How weird is that!? But, with the way H thinks, I can really see him trying to gradually cut her out (since she did completely flip) because he's worried about his job and me. That's very in line with his personality.
We unloaded the van at MIL's, then stopped to eat out. (Pretty funny, since we weren't exactly cleaned up.) I was already incredibly tired, which is probably why I brought all this crap up, and didn't handle it nearly as well as I should have. While we were waiting, I tried to gently bring up the subject of why I was so touchy about the phone calls. I wanted to talk to him about my trust issues.
So I told him I was uncomfortable by all of the secretiveness of his phone calls earlier. He quickly said "it wasn't who you think." I told him that wasn't the problem, just that I felt like he was hiding things from me. He said he wasn't. I said I had trouble trusting him. H then blurted "it's all in the past, it's all new, remember?" with this panicky look. I clearly bombed this convo. So I just let it drop when the good arrived.
Then went back for the last load. While driving up, H commented on the things about me that were different that he hadn't expected. I told him he had changed for the better, as well. He asked me how so. I said that he was much more considerate now. Like when we moved into that apartment, I remember him telling me that he was hurting his back to get it done, so I should, too. (I have a bad lower back, which as everyone knows, never really gets back to normal.) But, now, he was telling me to be careful, not to strain it again. He apologized, looked a little bothered. I told him it was okay, I was pointing out how he was being more considerate of me--and that was a good thing. (Can't even compliment him without him taking it the wrong way...)
We both did a lot of talking, going between his apartment and the van. It was a lot more productive than our earlier conversation while driving. I told H how badly I had missed him. That I had insomnia for the first two weeks, and that I used to wake up every our looking for him. H said that he had done the same--kept waking up, confused on why I wasn't there. He said eventually he probably would have just given up and "begged for me to let him come home," even if things hadn't changed like he wanted them to.
H at one point said the weirdest thing I have heard him say yet. Asked me if I had understood the code. I asked him what he meant by that. He said that's why he called me every day. I said at first he had called me exactly every other day. H said he made sure to call me every day so that I would know he loved me and wouldn't ultimately leave me. (HUH??) I told him I didn't understand. He said I had told him, after the first sep, that I had known he wasn't really going to leave me because he had called me every day. (Not that I remembered this, although it does sound like something I would say.)
H said he was just glad I had stopped yelling at him. I told him I only yelled because he did. And he only yelled because I did. I don't think he quite understood that... Sometimes I wish I could DB-enlighten him, although I was thinking of lending him my KLA CD's.
Just as we were finishing up stuffing things into the van, around 11:30 or so, I completely ran out of energy. Laid down on the floor of the apartment, and just couldn't get up. H was asking me to help him with what little was left, and I just couldn't do it. I stayed on the floor for a while...I'm not even sure how long...I was in such a fog.
H then almost begged me to help him finish. I actually broke down and started crying while I was carrying whatever it was down to the van, just because I was completely exhausted. I wasn't upset or anything, just crying out of complete exhaustion. Then I was convinced H was going to get mad at me for "quitting" on him--which is what he would have done before.
A couple of times he said something, about almost being done, but he never quite got to the point he would have before and yelled. I finally almost literally couldn't move anymore (three days in a row was just too much on top of work), and just sat in the driver's seat of the van waiting on H. He made a couple of more trips, the got his wallet out of the van, and said he was going to the pub before he went to my place.
I got mad, and made some really snide remark about it being nice to have his little life and be able to go out and do whatever he wanted. In retrospect, I should have realized he wasn't going to drink or anything, because that didn't make sense. But, hey, I was practically asleep sitting there. H said he wasn't going to drink, just needed to see if someone was in there. (Again with the lack of information...)
We didn't unload the van. So I drove home. Stumbled upstairs, somehow walked the dog, and crawled into bed. (Okay, the floor, which I'm still sleeping on because of my back.)
H came in later. Not sure when. Must have taken a shower. He tried to seduce me--came in all clean after his shower and climbed on me. I don't know why, but it kind of panicked me that he was coming after me for ML. I can't recall ever feeling this way before. I don't know if it was the way he approached me, because I was asleep, or what. But at that moment, the idea of ML really made me uncomfortable--kind of scared, almost. And...I was really, really tired. H said it would help me pass out. I said I already was. (Which was true.)
I don't plan on telling him that. I have never had that reaction before. H would take it way out of context (I know it wasn't him!), and probably almost completely stop initiating. I don't want that! He's only recently become comfortable in approaching me for ML, in admitting that he's in the mood. I would hate to ruin that progress. But then...I want to tell him...I'm just afraid he will blow it out of proportion.
Not sure when he left. I think not too long after that. He came in and kissed me before he took off. I know the ML was his way of trying to be appreciative toward me. And I wish I had been less tired (and not freaked out, whatever that was about). It would have been nice to be close with him.
Right now, I just want to crawl back into bed...
It's hard to talk to H about the things that upset me, because then it hurts him, too. But that's getting better. Apparentally, H is the same way with me. Progress, but slooooowly....and, of course, when H gets hurt, he puts up his strong exterior showing of the "tough guy." He really is compensating for how vulnerable he feels, and I need to remember that.
Okay, I'm feeling less grumpy after writing--which leaves me with just tired. I want H acknowledge how much I did for him, how hard I pushed myself for him. And I want to be pampered or taken care of tonight. So I'm going to be careful and not snap or gripe--that puts him on the defensive (and makes him mean). I'm going to make a major effort to just be calm. That should, I think, get his sympathy...and the attention I'm craving right now.
Just got off the phone with H. He asked almost immediately if I was mad at him. (Not anymore, I defused myself.) I told him no, I was just incredibly tired. He sure is good at reading the signs in my voice, though.
He called to tell me he missed me. He's such a sap...very cute. Said he was going to turn in the key to his apartment, and was kind of sad about the whole thing.
We talked about plans for later to see a movie. I told him I wanted to take a nap and change clothes. We still need unload the van. So the plan is I'm going home for a bit of a nap and to let the dog out, then head down to MIL's so we can unload, and then go to an early movie. Can't wait to see him.
He did comment on my lack of interest again...LOL...I so rarely turn him down. I just told him I was very tired last night. I'm thinking now that that's all it was anyway.
So tired...hopefully after the nap I can think straight...
Never really got much of a nap. H called me four times while he was finishing up the apartment... While he was driving there, after he finished the last bit of clean up, after he locked the door, and after he turned in the keys. Poor guy needed emotional support, I think.
So I never really got the nap in. I didn't let H know that was the reason why. I finally gave up after BIL2 called, and then just headed to MIL's house--which, I guess now is H's house.
H called me while I was driving. Said that "it was all over with now"--meaing his apartment and that whole female roommate thing. Also wanted to tell me about a game he picked up for us (in a very apologetic voice, since he knows he doesn't have the money). Something we'd been wanting for a long time. Then he went on about this new game that was coming out...felt very much like our normal R. I think we both want that back very badly.
Got to H's house. BIL2 was there, so I invited him to the movie with us. (Yeah! It's back to the three of us hanging out. ) I had forgotten how (unintentionally) intrusive BIL2 is with H. H is really giving up a lot for me, since his privacy is a big issue with him.
H told me xrm had called earlier. (Two days in a row.) That she was really wanting to see him that day. (Which, of course, irked me.) I told H I had a bad feeling about that. He said she had actually asked for direction's to MIL's house (where H is now living). She has been there before, but obviously doesn't remember how to get there. He said he told her that his entire family was there, and it was not a good idea to come by.
Never mind that I am over a lot. It's to that level of comfort where I have a key, and don't even always bother to ask. I am pretty much totally integrated into H's family. And BIL2 can't stand her--met her once, and thought she was incredibly rude.
H said he needed a better reason to tell her next time, but didn't want it to come from him. So I suggested that he tell her that BIL2 didn't want her over at the house (MIL, BIL2, and now H all live in the same house) because he doesn't like her. H said he liked that idea, since it's basically true.
I did tell H she could track down the house if she wanted to--she had the number to the house, and all it takes is a little internet work to get directions. H said she doesn't have internet at her place. I told her all she'd have to do was go to a library. He said she wasn't that smart. (LOL! So I took perverse pleasure in that comment...)
She called again while we were waiting to go to the movie. H came over and whispered in my ear that he thought she was just going stir-crazy because of her sister's baby, and maybe that's why she wanted out of the house. Then he said "but that's her own fault, stupid b!tch." That certainly surprised me... (Did I ever mention that once someone does something, anything he doesn't like, my H is horribly vindictive and usually can't stand that person anymore...?)
While H was getting dressed after his shower, he mentioned he had made dinner plans with xrm. I didn't say anything--sticking to my plan of not harassing him about her. He was basically relaying the conversation. She had wanted to get together, he had said he was busy. He finally suggested a quick dinner before he went to work the next day at some sort of fast food. He asked if that was okay. At first, I thought he meant he was asking her if that was okay, so I was just listening. Then he said he was asking me. (That sure surprised me! He doesn't need my persmission...)
I said it was fine. He said he could tell I was bothered. I agreed that I was, but it was because she had gotten so incredibly weird. He said that's why he wanted to meet her at a fast food place--because it's public. Said he wanted to read her body language, that she had been sounding calm lately, but he didn't trust that. (H is an incredibly suspicious person...doesn't trust anyone...I think he's trying to gauge the situation.) He also said he was going to make a point to cut out quick, say he was busy, had other things to do.
As we left, H got a little uncomfortable outside, looked around, said he felt like he was being watched. I could kind of feel it, too, but I think maybe it was just nerves.
BIL2 dropped us off at the house after the movie, and then went to a friend's. When H went to open the door, it had been open just a crack, and just swung in at his touch. We both kind of looked at each other. I know he was thinking the same thing as me--did we just forget to lock it, or had someone been there?
H insisted I wait outside, then went through the entire house. We went through it again together after that. Then H noticed something he thought he had left on the table wasn't there. Nothing else was disturbed. He looked pretty mad, said there was only one person that he knew who would take just that and touch nothing else. I told I was pretty good at these kinds of things, and nothing else in the house looked moved. We eventually found it, up in his room. Guess we both forgot that he put it there.
Nothing was missing. I think no one remembered to lock the door when we left, since neither H nor I did it. But still, with all the weird stuff going on, it did make me nervous.
H asked me to wait a few minutes, he needed to do something, so he could give me a nice big hug before I left. So I hung out in his room, playing on the SP. It had that nice feel to it--like when we were completely solid, boyfriend and girlfriend, and I used to hang out in his room. I actually really liked it.
I was sitting on the air mattress that MIL uses for the kids. H is going to be getting my bed, and I'm taking his to my new place, so the air mattress is temporary. When he came in, he laid down on me, told me how much he hated giving up his apartment and his own place, something that was his own home. That he was going through all of this stress for me. I told him I knew that, and I really did appreciate it.
Knowing H, his LL is acts of service, going to these kinds of extremes is his way of making up for all the mess of the last few months. The first sep and the PA, this sep, his having a female roommate, and now all the craziness involved with her. This is his way of making it right. He's only moving in with MIL because she lost her job and needs the money--otherwise, he would have tried to get a small studio or something along those lines.
H mentioned xrm again...said he was afraid to totally cut off contact with her, since she had gone so nuts before at that idea. Compared her again to a drug addict, said he was going to try to keep cutting his time with her shorter and shorter. I told him he was doing it to protect me. His face lit up (I think he's feeling guilty about spending time with her at all now) and said that's exactly what he was trying to do--especially since she has a real problem with me. He asked that I let him handle it his way, and I agreed.
When I left, he wanted to know exactly what route I was taking, and for me to call him when I got there or he would come looking for me. (This whole thing must really have him on edge.) I promised I would.
I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I have never been afraid to be alone, because I am a very capable person. But knowing someone specific may be kind of tilted...makes me nervous. I kept looking over my shoulder as I let myself into my dark apartment.
When I went to bed, H called and said he was going to head up soon. (I think he already missed me.) I said okay--and decided to sleep in the buff as a nice surprise.
About 40 minutes or so later (about when he should be getting there) I thought I heard H's voice. I kind of layed there, confused. He had a key, and always let himself in. I thought I heard a male voice, coming from outside of the apartment. The dog had started barking before I heard the voice, so I had assumed it was him.
I grabbed a robe, grabbed a weapon, took my phone, and went into the living room (but didn't turn on a light). I called H to see where he was. He apologized and said he was still at his house. I told him it was okay, I just thought I had heard him. I didn't hear it again, and I didn't check outside. I just went back to bed in my robe. My nerves are playing such tricks on me with all of this stuff...and the lack of sleep didn't help...
H called me in the middle of the night (2am, I think). I was crankier than I have been for a long time. Something about he couldn't find his wallet, and wanted me to look for it. I was incoherent, I kept griping at him in the phone, and I think threatening to hang up. He was wanting me to check my purse. I think at some point I finally did stumble into the other room to look, but I can't recall. I was really bad on the phone, though.
H did eventually come to spend the night with me. ( ) I asked him this morning, and he had just misplaced his wallet. I gave him lots of kisses, and apologized for being such a witch on the phone, that I hadn't realized how mean I was being at the time. He said it was okay, and just wanted lots more kisses.
Not sure how much of this is just crazymaking with roommate, but she's given off enough warning signals to make me paranoid. I halfway expect to see her skulking around my aparment complex when I come home one day. I just have this gut feeling that this is the calm before the storm...
He will come around, he will see how silly all of this is. I just need to let him take it at his own pace. I pushed and insisted before with his "friend" (PA) after first sep, not going to do that this time. He has made a point of telling me I win, he chooses me. I have to let him handle this his own way. (Just reminding myself of stuff I already know.) 
He did mention to me he thought that the thing with roommate had progressed to an emotional affair, but that when he felt it hit that point, he got uncomfortable, backed off, and started changing what he was doing--and emphasized again there was no PA. (Wow, what an admission for him. It's hard to admit that kind of thing.) I told him I understood, it's hard to see that line at times, and he did what he should have.
Ah, well. 
H made the comment that it had been a couple of days, and he really missed it. (Is this the same guy?? The guy who seemed happy with, oh, once a month--and when asked, just said "that's the way he was"?? Clearly there was more going on, he just wasn't willing to talk to me about it.) He also said that he couldn't believe that he got sex pretty much whenever he wanted. I just told him it's not like I minded... 
