Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[PeterB]

Hi Peter,
- I do love my H. FWIW he says he never stopped loving me either. Loving him as a person is separate from me still being really quite angry over his behavior. I'm not quite at forgiveness yet.

Great insight. And interesting that you are not at forgiveness and yet piecing. Has he forgiven you for why he was unhappy leading to an A (I see that you mentioned SSM)? Or did he A for his own problems.

- With time and space he's also stopped defining how he felt about the AP as love but he really did go all-in during the A, told me it was True Love, etc. I think he needed to convince himself it was True Love in order to justify his actions like it was all beyond his control.

Personally, I believe that falling in love can only come from control of your own actions, as love does not come easily. A sudden PA could have other reasons though - like emotional vulnerability, delusions etc.

- If you've decided that if her affair has gone physical that you'll divorce her, as others have said-- prepare yourself for the high likelihood that it already has. (Also, what do you mean by physical? Would a kiss count or just going all the way?) Saying you will D if you find out it is a PA vs actually doing it is pretty different, so I would recommend preparing yourself for this path. Talk to an L. Understand your rights. How would you want to manage custody of your child? I talked to several attorneys and actually did all the worksheets so that I could see what the financials implications would look like and had a proposal for custody split. This was really necessary for me to get rid of the fear of D and be prepared. I highly recommend this.

Yes I am searching for a lawyer. Her A had already gone PA - I know it was for a few days but it is likely that she was hoping it would happen even before meeting the OM. But because of distance there has been no physical contact for over 4 months. I considered this issue just as I went LRT but it was not a deal breaker. However things are different now. It has been several months since BD, she has definitely noticed my changes and has had renewed experience in parenting under the same roof. So if she deliberately travels to PA with the OM then I consider that a deal breaker. Am I mentally fully prepared for that if it happens? - No. But I am working towards that. What I cannot live with is a total revision of our MR, the bitterness she has towards me and then PA again.

- In terms of S, I agree if you don't want to leave the house or the MBR, don't. Depending on home ownership or who is on the lease, you may not be able to force her to leave either-- so be prepared for that. I asked my H to leave and he refused which was now a blessing in disguise but at the time I was really angry and frustrated and felt powerless-- but at the same time it was more important to me to stay in the house with the kids and let him be the one to take the step of walking out the door if that is what he chose to do. I made that choice with open eyes though and realize it isn't for everyone. If your boundary is I won't live with someone who is in an affair, then you might need to be prepared to move out yourself if she won't go.

I won't go and I won't ask her to go either, as I have our son to consider in this. That will change after or during D, or per her own actions pre-D.

- I don't necessarily agree that all changes are temporary...
... I think 180s are great ways to try out different ways of being and see what works for you. If you're just doing it to try to keep your S around, then I agree with LH-- it will go away. But, you might find your own benefits to how you feel from some of those 180s. For instance, maybe not getting annoyed at her for little things can be really freeing and personally rewarding to you, and something you'd like to keep regardless of your R with her. But if you're internally rolling your eyes and super annoyed and just acting like it doesn't bother you-- that's not a 180 you're likely to be able to keep up, I would guess.

It's like you just spoke my mind. I don't believe that changes cannot be permanent. For the getting annoyed/yelling issue, I have found that addressing that (it was not easy) has made me so much lighter and feeling liberated from imaginary chains that now I can't imagine reverting. I am resolute in making this a lifelong benefit.

My final piece of advice to you is that I'd really focus on the boundaries vs. attempted control distinction. I had a really hard time with this. Bring your boundaries here and posters can help you parse out what is a boundary for you vs what is a "boundary" that you're setting to really try to control her.

Yes, this appears to be a difficult skill for many reasons, not the least being the appropriate use of language and potential misinterpretation of language. Working on it.