LH -- I meant I hurt physically NOT emotionally when I wanted to lay in bed.
And you are correct for calling me out on showing XH I was right --- No excuse. I was reacting defensively to some mean things he said.
I've really had to sit my butt down and work on not needing to say the last word. Its gotten better over the last 2yr. Learning to walk to away after they have their say. I still F up from time to time.
As for wanting to ask my H back home... that's where my brain takes me, the fairytail I seem to want to live in. He went out of his way to bring it to me rather than mail it and even when I said I did not want to see him... he still tried. And, then my brain goes to the place that maybe part of him still wants me... BARF. So that is the reason I said no to his meet up.
Maybe I'm not detached. Maybe I never will be but I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him no to seeing him.
As for pilot... I just put a torch to that MoFo... I told him he I was not perfect but that he was an Ahole. I deeply regret the name calling. That is a bit beneath me but I did not have a single friend who didn't cheer me on when I said I did that.
