While we were driving to my place, H must have felt the need to bring up an R talk. I should have seen it was building up to this from the earlier convos.
H mentioned roommate had seen his car parked in my apartment complex. He had told her before the area where I lived. Why she was driving by or how she saw it, I don't know. My apartment is not in a place you just happen to drive by. He said that she had a real problem with him being around me.
I got pretty irritated then. Went off on how she acted like she had some sort of claim on him. That she had no right to be upset over this situation, she should have realized moving in with a guy right after he asked his wife to leave was a volatile situation to be putting herself into. That he didn't need to keep making excuses for her behavior--even if she was that hurt, it didn't give her the right to act like she has been. Clearly, this is not validating.
We were both quite for awhile. I think some more was said, but I don't recall what. I was pretty upset--close to tears--and I think H was to. After awhile, he reached over to put his hand on my leg.
He asked if I was okay. I said no. He asked where I thought we had gone wrong. I was quiet for a long while. I finally asked if he wanted to hear what I thought I had done wrong, or what he had done wrong. He said both. I asked which he wanted to hear first, and he said himself.
I told him I thought he was kind of naive about people. That if someone was extremely excited and wanted to be around him all of the time, then he overlooked any negative traits that they might have. That he did this with both males and females, just that it got him into trouble with the women.
I also told him he didn't make himself his own priority. That I had been this way, and I had learned one of the most important things he had to do was make himself happy first. That you doing favors and being nice to other people is great, but you need to do it on your schedule, and not theirs. That I used to have the stretched feeling (I think I struck on something with him here)--until I started to make it clear I would do what I wanted first, and then do what other people wanted. That that was why he has so many people calling his phone all of the time. That I had always wanted to be nice so people would like me--until I realized I could still be nice, but do it on my terms, and if they couldn't accept that, then I didn't want them around anyway.
Then I went into where I thought I had been wrong. That I had gotten bitter and resentful about a year or so ago when I was frustrated about finding a job. And, without knowing it, I had taken it out on him. Not that I was making excuses for it, I just hadn't realized. That it wasn't the clothes or the dishes or any of the other messes--and, unfortunately, he had been the nearest target. That I had learned how to understand where my feelings came from, so I wouldn't misdirect them.
I also told him I had figured out how I had made him feel unappreciated. That I just didn't realize how some of the things I had said and done were coming across to him, and I felt really bad about it.
We were both quiet for a minute, and then he asked what else.
I said I felt like the opposite schedules had been a problem. Just because we had stopped spending quality time together. That in my R research, I had read that spending quality time together, real bonding time, was important. And I had contributed to this, too, when last fall I had worked all of that overtime to try and "catch up" financially. (Which never seemed to really work.)
H said he felt like his bartending in general was a problem. That it was too tempting for him, and that it felt like and old habit he had fallen into that he was trying to break. H had been into the partying scene when he was younger--hooked up with 1 or 2 people every weekend. I was incredibly surprised he said that--he even mentioned he wanted to quit his job, but couldn't, because he owed money. (I had know this for a long time, but hadn't sait it, so this shocked me.) I told him I could see how happy he was bartending, how much he enjoyed, and I had never wanted him to give that up.
He said he knew things got weird a year ago. That lines up with when he really started bartending. I also told him I thought his brothers being deployed overseas really contributed to his stress level. Not that I was blaming him for that--just that I think he was doing what I did, with not finding a proper outlet for the feelings, so they came out in other, unproductive ways.
I said I knew he was funny from the minute he got off the plane (his brothers were deployed very suddenly when he was on vacation in Mexico--I couldn't go because of work). He said had missed me very much. I said I knew that, but felt very brushed aside when he got off of the plane (he didn't even hug me...which was unusual for him).
H said part of the problem, he felt, was that I didn't fill certain needs. Like going out to clubs or out drinking or whatever with him--and when he met some people, he became very excited by that. Not that he ever felt unloved. I told H he never told me that's something he wanted, or I probably would have gone with him. He had always given me the impression he was settling down--that he was more into grilling out for friends, and had even told me, when I turned 21, that the bar scene was boring.
That, when he started going out all the time, I felt very left behind. I had to go to work early in the morning, so I always had to go to bed. And then, when I could have gone out, he was always at work. H said he had always envisioned being able to go out with his wife, go to clubs, dancing, or whatever. I had no idea this was the case, and he acknowledged he had never told me.
H also told me he wasn't planning on having any more female friends--at least, not without my being included. That they always seem to develop feelings for him, and then things get way out of hand. I think what we need to be careful of, is not the more persnal stuff to people of the opposite gender. I said I had had this problem with a guy friend of mine, and I had made sure to pull way back on the time I was spending with him and what I was telling him. At some point, I would like to sit down and talk to H about what would be good boundaries for any new potentional opposite-gender friends we might have. I know he felt like his toes were stepped on with my guy friend, and he's had two female friends who bothered me, now. That way, we'll both feel comfortable.
H also told me that he has been bored in the bedroom. This really floored me--he had never told me this, I always had the impression he just wasn't interested. Ever. H told me sometimes he tried to get a little experimental, but I always complained it was uncomfortable. I have always had problems with pain during sex...(yeast related)...until I recently switched forms of BC. At that point, it was like being freed...I was able to do so much more. But, I guess this makes sense--H and I have been at it pretty much every time I've seen him for the last two months. Although it did hurt...I had always thought he was understanding of my difficulty.
By the time we got my place, it was late, and H said he was just going to grab his car. I felt like I had been run over. I was kind of avoiding him. I went up inside, and then didn't come back down. H finally came up to see if I was okay. I gave him a quick hug, and he left.
I felt pretty bad after that. I realized I had been distant with him, so I called him, but he was on the other line. So I left him a vmail apologizing for being distant, I just was afraid if he held me I would completely lose--and then he would have a hard time leaving for work. I made sure to tell him that.
I had originally had plans to visit my friend, who lived an hour away. But I was too exhausted (emotionally) and it was too late, so I called her and apologized, said I really needed to stay in.
He called me back a few minutes later. Said he was sorry, he had been busy yelling into the phone. (Roommate.) Then he groaned, said she was calling again, and let me go. When he called me back again, he sounded pretty worried. Said she was completely flipping out, was wanting to know all kinds of stuff about me. He said she had asked where I was moving to--so he lied, told her the complete opposite side of town. That he was really concerned because she was staying just down the street from my place, and that he wished I had gone to visit my friend anyway that night.
H asked me to lay low, not do anything obvious so she would know which apartment I lived in. Not to answer any knock at the door. That she was nuts enough to go to every door to try to track me down. And to make sure I was armed at all times, even when I walked the dog.
I asked H if he would feel better if took the dog and stayed at his mom's. He said he would, but for me to leave right then.
MIL wasn't home. I spent the night upstairs on the futon. H called me a couple of times to check on me, and again after he got off of work. He kept apologizing for putting me through all of this. (I am so glad I'm moving in two weeks.) He actually said she must have had some other idea or plan in her head this whole time, that she was suddenly obsessed with knowing things about me. (As if I hadn't been saying that all along, I just kept my mouthg shut.) That she had known he was spending all of this time with me anyway.
I was tired, and started griping about her on the phone to H. Then I caught myself, apologized, said I was tired, and knew this was hurting him, too. He said it was okay, she was a female getting in between me and my husband, so he understood the hostility.
I slept some more, then drove home about mid-morning. I had someone thought I might come home to find my place broken into, after what H had said.
H called me early afternoon, just a few minutes ago, just as he had woken up. We made plans to meet later at BIL1's house for a party for one of his kids. I told H that everything was fine here. He said she wasn't the type to break in. I asked H what she would do. He said she would probably want to get in my face and say stuff to me. I asked if he thought she would get physical. He said she might (although I'm not particularly worried about that--I'm a big believer in the 2nd amendment, as well as trained in fighting...and someone that mad is out of control, and won't be fighting well). I told H if she showed up, I would call the police on her for harassing me. He said I was within my rights to do that. I told him if she started going that far over the line, I wanted to have some legal documentation so that I could take further action later, if necessary.
I also pointed out that he had thought the woman he had a PA with during first sep was going to say something to me, as well. She had plenty of opportunities, when she would come into the bar and I was already there. (And I wasn't leaving just because she came in.) I pointed out one time she had literally walked all around me, and I was sure she was going to say something, I was just waiting. H had been sure, too, and it had made him sick to his stomach. I said it had done the same to me, too--I hate confrontation. But, in the end, she had been too chicken. And I wondered if roommate was the same.
I also made a point of calling her by name, instead of horrible names I had been subsituting with. I told H I was doing this on purpose, as a way of facing what happened instead of hiding from it anymore. H asked me, again, to not hold it against him. I told him I wasn't mad anymore--that I had been for a long time, but I had let go. He said I had had every right to be mad, after what he had done. I said that was true, but I held onto it much longer than I should have. And all of that didn't matter anymore, since we are starting fresh now!
I told H I missed him, couldn't wait to see him. He said he missed me, too. That he still had some packing to do--and he still had to clean the dishes. I said I had thought roommate was going to do that, and he said she was, then she got all crazy and flipped out. But, that all her stuff was gone, and she had given him her key. So, I guess she's ex-roommate now.
I'm headed off to MIL's--no hot water, so I need a shower.
