Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[BL42]

PeterB,

I was busy doing the dishwasher so could not say I was off to party

You jest, but serious question...why were you not out at a party? Remember the #1 thing recommended around here is GAL. Make yourself scarce around the house, avoid R talks, and go out and get a life.

Thanks for the warning. Just when I was about to order the book, I got a gut feel that it could be a problem if she sees it, so ended up asking here.

Good you asked first, but I agree with Kind18...don't leave things out in a passive-aggressive way to prove to her you're changing. She's not going to trust it. I made that mistake, as have many others.

My situation is a bit unique in that she is in an EA right now, even though it was PA before BD. It was the PA that led her to BD in the first place - I am 100% sure; The promise of a new life is a powerful motivation for D. I decided to LRT/GAL/180 after that and I am still in that journey. But I am keen on setting boundaries. I know that it will become PA again if she travels to where OM lives. And in my current disposition that becomes a deal breaker. I am mentally preparing myself for that action even though saving the MR is the north star.

As LH says your situation is not unique. Your wife is having an affair, which is almost always the case here. Not sure I understand the concept of the switching of a PA to EA? That's not something you can just turn on and off like a light switch simply because of lack of opportunity in the moment. As almost every vet on here knows, and it seems like you might be admitting yourself, your W and OM already had a physical relationship. You need to decide whether or not that's a deal breaker for you. No one else can do that for you. But you should get your head wrapped around a PA already happened. Sorry. I know it hurts.

And in my current disposition that becomes a deal breaker.

So divorce? If so then tell her. Only if you mean it. I would word it this way "You can't have both. You need to pick one". Only do this if you mean it. If you do you will look strong. If you don't you will look weak and she will trample all over you.

"In my current disposition" does not sound like a firm boundary. You can't be wishy washy and change your mind depending on how you feel and still command respect. Now, I wouldn't judge you if a PA was not a boundary because you want to keep the family and MR regardless. I get it. As I've said before it's impossible for people to know how they would act and feel until it happens in real life. However, if you decide it is a boundary then it's already been crossed and you should enforce it.