I called H to make sure he had walked home okay from the U-Haul place. He said he was out and about doing errands, and then asked me if I wanted to have lunch.
While H was filling his car up with gas, I noticed a cigarette case. It wasn't his--I know what his looks like. I picked it up for a minute, and the letters on the front weren't from anybody that I could recall him mentioning. I think it may have been roommate's, but who knows. I thought about asking him, but decided to just let it go. I was afraid I would come across as too nosy.
Lunch was pleasant. He wound up buying for me. Then we drove around to find something for him. He said the best part was just being with me. I told him, while we were driving, one of my favorites things to do with him was ride with him in the car while we goofed off to the music--that's why I liked to go with him when he did errands.
H told me when he had been engaged before, he hadn't enjoyed doing all the pre-wedding prep stuff. But with me, it had been fun. That he had actually liked running around with me to get ready for the wedding.
We took our food to a park. On the way there, I asked him if he would be able to go with me Saturday to see my aunt. I just knew this conversation was like poking there bear, since it involves my family... He wanted to know if I had asked my parents if he could go yet. I said it was okay. He got kind of irritated, said he didn't want me to just "spring any surprises" on him if he went.
I told H that my dad had asked if I wanted to ride with them, and that I had told my dad I wouldn't--that I would be riding with H, since I had invited him. H asked what he said. I told H my dad just said "okay." H said maybe he shouldn't go, then. I wanted to snap at him--tell him the convo with my dad caught me off guard, I did mention it to him, he was just being boarish since I didn't say it the way he wanted. But that sounded like a petty argument, and I couldn't figure out a good response. So I was quiet. (Which was actually something different for me, not pushing the issue.)
We were both quiet for a few minutes, and the car was tense. He asked if something was the correct turn, and I sait it was. We pulled into the park, up to a bench, and sat down to eat.
I think we both forgot about the almost-argument. H pulled me close to him on the bench. I had already finished eating, so I offered to give him a massage. He turned around, put his back to me, and I began rubbing his lower back, then shoulders, then arms.
He leaned back on me, told me that he wished this mess hadn't gotten so big. I told him I knew he loved me, since had come back twice now. He said he would never leave again. That he would just go hang out at his mom's for awhile if he felt suffocated again.
I gave him a few kisses on the back of his neck, and actually managed to give him goosebumps. That somehow made me feel really good--that I could still do that. I really wish we had the time (and a place!) to ML, and so did he. I was feely really, really sappy--enjoying holding him, the pleasant weather, just our time together. I know, especially for H, it's a very emotional thing with me. One of his ways of showing me how much he cares.
H had to take me back to work. He commented that he wanted to stop by my place to "see the cats" and maybe take a nap. he was sort of asking if it was okay, without making it sound like a question. Sounded suspiciously to me like he didn't want to go to his place, for whatever reason. I think he's feeling less and less comfortable there.
He didn't want to let me out of the car. Kept insisting I kiss him. I managed to give him goosebumps again. He told me he still gets butterflies around me...that sometimes he still gets nervous when he's with me.
H called me back not too long after I went back in to work. I missed the call, and he left me a cute vmail. Said he knew I had just left, but he missed me already. ( ) That he couldn't help being a sap, and wished I hadn't had to go back to work.
H was asleep on my couch when I got home after work, so I decided to wake him gently. I sat down next to him and kissed his cheek, kissed his forehead, and lightly touched his arm. Well, H hauled me down and basically attacked me in his sleep. I hadn't expected that...but I didn't exactly complain! H confessed afterwards that he was dreaming he was having sex with me...only to wake up and realize it was true. LOL
H commented that his cat has been much more affectionate in the two days since he was brought over here. The kitty has just been climbing all over me--and H too. The cat is old, and very picky, so I like to think he just didn't like H's roommate. (Yeah, I know, I'm evil...) Probably it was just too hot for him, since H kept the AC off to save money.
He took off after that, said he wanted to do more with his apartment before he went to work.
I was pretty down after he left. I really didn't want him to go... And I didn't have any plans for tonight. BIL2 is in Cancun, my friend's bf is in town, and my other close friend works on Friday nights. (Yeah. Clearly I need to make some more friends. ) But I also knew that I am alwway feeling depressed on Friday night, even when I do have plans. Not sure why that is. So I didn't beat myself up too much over it.
I called H a few hours later, told him I really missed him. He sounded pretty distracted, said he was doing a lot of stuff right then. H did say he was definately going with me tomorrow. ( ) I think if I had pushed and we'd had that stupid argument earlier, he wouldn't have agreed to go. I wasn't exactly upset that he didn't talk to me long, it just didn't help my slump. An hour after that, I decided I needed to drag myself to the gym.
That helped. It's amazing how exercise does wonders. I was feeling pretty good, checked my cell and H had called me twice. By that time he was already at work, so I checked my vmail. H had left me the most sappy message--how he missed me bad, wanted to come hold me, that he was planning on coming to spend the night with me, and for me to leave my porch light on. Just a few days ago he had told me not to bother, it wasn't worth the money.
I called him back, and he didn't answer. I left him an equally mushy message. (I'd imagine hearing all of this sap on all of my journals must make some people queasy after awhile...LOL...)
H managed to call me back a few minutes later--he stepped out from work for just a few minutes. After all the mushy ILY's and I miss you's, we straightened out plans for tomorrow. H then asked if I could get my parents' van on Sunday (if I didn't have plans) so we could move the couch from his place to his mom's. He actually said "we." Yeah for progress! H doesn't mind moving with me...and is actually asking me when he isn't even in dire need.
He told me he wanted everything, even the dishes out, except for the bed; that roommate had the majority of her stuff out. I commented it would be like a sleep retreat, and he said that was kind of true.
H also told me roommate was still freaking him out. I think he's afraid she's going to make up some lie or try to do something to upset me. Whatever. Like that tactic is gonna work on me. I've been down this road before. Even if something did happen, it's not relevent to H and mine's new R. And I'm perfectly aware she'd just be telling me to try to drive a wedge between us. Besides...H has been completely honest with me about his past. All of it. He came clean when he did have a PA. If there had been one this time, I think his guilt would have driven him to tell me by now. I'm more convinced now than ever that this girl is nuts...and I'm glad H is finally starting to see it.
I'm worried about tomorrow. But I've decided I'm going picture in my head what I might say to my parents or how I might stand for H in the way that he wants me to. Expections affect the outcome.
The day was...okay...the evening got really out of hand. H's roommate is actually starting to sound kind of crazy. I'm so glad he's pretty much moved out.
H came over after work, which was very nice. He said he had gotten into a fight at work (it is a bar...), and that his legs hurt. I tried massaging them, but that didn't work. I tried scratching his back. I tried masssaging his head. I got him some Advil. Eventually, I made him some tea, and that finally helped him to sleep.
When the alarm went off, I didn't want to get up. I wound up kissing his neck and his shoulders and his back. H finds this very relaxing, so I kept rubbing his back and kissing him on the side. I wound up spending too much time distracted with him, and got up kind of late.
Only to find out I had no hot water. Great. I didn't have time to go anywhere else before I need to leave to meet my parents and my aunt. So I took a very cold shower. Not fun. Then H had a hard time waking up, and talked me into a quickie--even though we were already incredibly late. We left an hour after we were supposed to.
H wanted a candy bar and something to drink, so we stopped by a gas station. He was nice enough to get some stuff for me, too. Very thoughtful.
On the way down, it started pouring rain. I commented that if anything else happened, we were never going to make it. H told me to shut up, I was going to curse us. My dad called me, to tell me they had cancelled the picnic idea and were moving inside to a restaurant in a nearby town. In the middle of the conversation, lightning struck, and my phone not only dropped the call--but it completely froze up. I had to call him back with H's phone.
I had assumed H would sleep on the way down, since he hadn't slept enough after work. But we had fun listening to music and just goofing off. At one point roommate called (this girl calls just way too much), but he didn't answer, and instead checked his vmail. I didn't say anything, but H said "that was sweet" so I bit. He said roommate had offered to clean all of the dishes for him so that they'd be ready to pack. (Never mind she has never forked over for this month's rent.)
So we got there really late. As we pulled up, H said maybe it was a bad idea that he had come along, because he was afraid my mom might have badmouthed him to my aunt before we got there. I told him I didn't care what she thought or what she said. He said he cared, because he didn't want my aunt to hate him. (I guess I need to find something different to say to validate here.)
As we walked in the restaurant, H quickly told me to go first. This is the sort of thing that, if I had done it, would irritate him. But I just said okay.
Nobody said anything, except to laugh at me over my bad morning. The food was good, and we decided to walk around town afterwards for awhile.
My 3yo nephew (brother's kid) got passed around a lot. At time he would ask for me to hold him or my mom or whoever. My mom and aunt walked into a store, and I just followed, with my nephew (X--yes, that's the first letter of his name ) on my hip.
I didn't realize H had not followed me in until a couple of minutes later. He had always made a big deal that I "abandoned" him with my family, so I started to head back to find him. H had just walked in, and I commented that I was just heading out to find him.
In another store, H and I were wandering around looking at antiques and assorted nicknacks, We were holding hands and acting pretty cutesy. (Something about after we eat, we both feel really cuddly.) We were looking at some small carved statues, and I pointed the angel ones were cute.
H made a face (not his taste) and pointed to some other statues. One was a mother and child, and another was a father and child. He said he liked those. Which surprised me...normally he's pathologically avoided anything to do with kids since we've been together. I guess it shows H is still baby-crazy. LOL
I got X again for awhile, and while H was buying a cappucino, X asked for a tootsie roll pop. I asked X if he had asked his dad (I knew he hadn't), and X said yes. Gotta love kids... So I said okay, asked him which color he wanted (orange), and H bought it for him. I then let X hold it, and walked over to my brother, and told X he needed to ask his dad if he could eat it now. My brother and his gf just looked blankly at me.
My dad finally said it was okay (at that point X had already taken off the wrapper). My brother never said anything. I don't know which is worse...that my brother froze or that my dad rescued him. I just wanted to be polite since X is not my kid! (How inconsiderate is it to give back a hyper kid?) I guess I was really stunned (and kind of disgusted) by the fact that my brother couldn't speak up about something that was ultimately his responsibility. I wonder if, to H, I come across that way with my parents about him...
The whole thing was a little awkward, but not totally bad. My mom was a little funny, but overall they seemed okay. I really didn't think they would say anything in front of H or my aunt and her husband. That's not the way they work.
On the way up, H pretty much passed out. We got close to the city, and I remembered H needed to feed his snakes (they are at MIL's house). So I woke him, and asked him if he wanted to stop by there. He said he did.
I had missed my exit because I had asked him too late, so I decided to cut across the country to get to the pet store. I was looking for a certain road--and didn't realize it didn't come out all the way to the road I was on. So I went too far south. Then the next road I turned on, a semi had come down this way and not been able to make the turn. Midwestern backroads can be too narrow, and he was stuck in the mud and blocking the intersection. So I had to make another turn I didn't want. Then, the road I needed to make was shut down for construction.
This is another thing that gets me tense, and I don't know why. I commented to H that I wasn't having any luck, and he said it was no big deal. I think he could tell I was getting a little tense. He told me it was okay, I was fine, we were just a little far south of where we needed to be. I wasn't as uptight as I have gotten in the past, but I need to remind myself to relax more.
After we got to MIL's with the rats, H wandered off to make a phone call. (His obsession with not talking on the phone where anyone can hear.) I mentioned, after he came back in, that I wanted H to step me through how to feed his snakes, since I'll be taking care of them once he goes to basic. He said I should have said something earlier, he had already put the rats in. I said I had only just thought of it.
We watched some TV, waiting on the snakes to eat (it can be slow). H seemed tense. I was playing on the SP, but I paused it and asked him if he was okay. I started massaging on his shoulders. He said he was just tired of the nonsense, and would be glad when it was over. That he hated losing his friend, but he needed to make me happy. I said I knew that, she was important to him, and I appreciated what he as doing. I did slip and ask if they had had sex--I had promised myself I wouldn't, and hadn't for, oh, two days. He said no. I said I only thought that because she was acting like they had been involved somehow.
I'm not sure if roommate brought it up or not, but he mentioned the cats again. How she had wanted to watch them while he is away with the army, but he wouldn't let her. Told her they needed a stable place to stay, she wasn't stable. Said she might move into a place where cats weren't allowed, and what would she do then? The cats can't stay with H's mom--he told her the female cat would get out too easily. She then suggested that she just take the male cat. That got him mad--he's not splitting up the two cats, and told her she had no right to ask for them. He told me she got pretty ticked at him.
He said it was hot in the house, so we moved to talk on the porch. I asked him, again, if he was okay. He must have been ready to talk, because he talked some more. Said he was really afraid that roommate was going to say something to me to make me want to leave. I asked him how she was going to do that, if we never met, and he told me he thought she had my number. (I think he's afraid she's going to say they slept together.)
I told him it didn't matter what she said, whether or not it was true--that I would believe him, regardless. I said I had thought of one of two things--that she would be either lieing completely, or that she was just doing it to get back at him. Either way, she's trying to wedge us apart, and I'm not going to fall for that. H said the weirdest thing, then--that, even if he and roommate had been together, the joke would have been on her, since he didn't love her. Weird comment, but H has always talked in "what-if" and "if-this-had-happened" so I chalked it up (mostly) to his personality.
We checked on the snakes, and they were not done. So we moved to the backyard to talk some more. H said he was terrified that I was going to not want to be with him. (Doesn't this strike anyone as odd?? He left me...) That he was really scared rooomate was going to say something to me that would make me change my mind.
I told him that wasn't possible, that I had pretty much already come up with everything she could say. And, that if I was going to leave, I would have done so after the first sep when he told me about the brief PA. I told him I had babies on the brain--which should go to show him that I wasn't going anywhere, if I was thinking of having kids with him.
H told me he just wanted to start fresh, get out, start us all over again. That he knew he was saying the exact same things as the last time we were seperated, but that he really meant it this time. He said he liked the idea of me maybe going back to school with him. I said I liked the idea, but I hated the thought of starting all over again career-wise. He said it would be great if we could work together, especially since he was going into paleontology.
The snakes were done then, so we headed back to my place to get his car.
Thanks so much for coming by to post to me - I've needed the support - it's been really hard.
H's constant fear that roommate will tell you something that will drive you away is very curious. It's as if he's trying to test the waters. Do you think it's possible that something physical DID happen between them? And if so, does it matter? How would you handle it?
So far you've told him that it doesn't matter what she tells you because you know it's not true so you're not worried. IF you are really OK with whatever might have happened perhaps you should let him know that no matter what she tells you, true or not, that's in the past. There is no point re-living the past because it's over. You need to live in the NOW and that means moving forward with a new R that buries the past! This way, no matter the reason for his fear (real or imagined) he knows that he doesn't have to fer your reaction. But you have to really be OK with it - and you have to mean it!
Sounds like you are definitely heading in the right direction. Keep it up! Totally
While we were driving to my place, H must have felt the need to bring up an R talk. I should have seen it was building up to this from the earlier convos.
H mentioned roommate had seen his car parked in my apartment complex. He had told her before the area where I lived. Why she was driving by or how she saw it, I don't know. My apartment is not in a place you just happen to drive by. He said that she had a real problem with him being around me.
I got pretty irritated then. Went off on how she acted like she had some sort of claim on him. That she had no right to be upset over this situation, she should have realized moving in with a guy right after he asked his wife to leave was a volatile situation to be putting herself into. That he didn't need to keep making excuses for her behavior--even if she was that hurt, it didn't give her the right to act like she has been. Clearly, this is not validating.
We were both quite for awhile. I think some more was said, but I don't recall what. I was pretty upset--close to tears--and I think H was to. After awhile, he reached over to put his hand on my leg.
He asked if I was okay. I said no. He asked where I thought we had gone wrong. I was quiet for a long while. I finally asked if he wanted to hear what I thought I had done wrong, or what he had done wrong. He said both. I asked which he wanted to hear first, and he said himself.
I told him I thought he was kind of naive about people. That if someone was extremely excited and wanted to be around him all of the time, then he overlooked any negative traits that they might have. That he did this with both males and females, just that it got him into trouble with the women.
I also told him he didn't make himself his own priority. That I had been this way, and I had learned one of the most important things he had to do was make himself happy first. That you doing favors and being nice to other people is great, but you need to do it on your schedule, and not theirs. That I used to have the stretched feeling (I think I struck on something with him here)--until I started to make it clear I would do what I wanted first, and then do what other people wanted. That that was why he has so many people calling his phone all of the time. That I had always wanted to be nice so people would like me--until I realized I could still be nice, but do it on my terms, and if they couldn't accept that, then I didn't want them around anyway.
Then I went into where I thought I had been wrong. That I had gotten bitter and resentful about a year or so ago when I was frustrated about finding a job. And, without knowing it, I had taken it out on him. Not that I was making excuses for it, I just hadn't realized. That it wasn't the clothes or the dishes or any of the other messes--and, unfortunately, he had been the nearest target. That I had learned how to understand where my feelings came from, so I wouldn't misdirect them.
I also told him I had figured out how I had made him feel unappreciated. That I just didn't realize how some of the things I had said and done were coming across to him, and I felt really bad about it.
We were both quiet for a minute, and then he asked what else.
I said I felt like the opposite schedules had been a problem. Just because we had stopped spending quality time together. That in my R research, I had read that spending quality time together, real bonding time, was important. And I had contributed to this, too, when last fall I had worked all of that overtime to try and "catch up" financially. (Which never seemed to really work.)
H said he felt like his bartending in general was a problem. That it was too tempting for him, and that it felt like and old habit he had fallen into that he was trying to break. H had been into the partying scene when he was younger--hooked up with 1 or 2 people every weekend. I was incredibly surprised he said that--he even mentioned he wanted to quit his job, but couldn't, because he owed money. (I had know this for a long time, but hadn't sait it, so this shocked me.) I told him I could see how happy he was bartending, how much he enjoyed, and I had never wanted him to give that up.
He said he knew things got weird a year ago. That lines up with when he really started bartending. I also told him I thought his brothers being deployed overseas really contributed to his stress level. Not that I was blaming him for that--just that I think he was doing what I did, with not finding a proper outlet for the feelings, so they came out in other, unproductive ways.
I said I knew he was funny from the minute he got off the plane (his brothers were deployed very suddenly when he was on vacation in Mexico--I couldn't go because of work). He said had missed me very much. I said I knew that, but felt very brushed aside when he got off of the plane (he didn't even hug me...which was unusual for him).
H said part of the problem, he felt, was that I didn't fill certain needs. Like going out to clubs or out drinking or whatever with him--and when he met some people, he became very excited by that. Not that he ever felt unloved. I told H he never told me that's something he wanted, or I probably would have gone with him. He had always given me the impression he was settling down--that he was more into grilling out for friends, and had even told me, when I turned 21, that the bar scene was boring.
That, when he started going out all the time, I felt very left behind. I had to go to work early in the morning, so I always had to go to bed. And then, when I could have gone out, he was always at work. H said he had always envisioned being able to go out with his wife, go to clubs, dancing, or whatever. I had no idea this was the case, and he acknowledged he had never told me.
H also told me he wasn't planning on having any more female friends--at least, not without my being included. That they always seem to develop feelings for him, and then things get way out of hand. I think what we need to be careful of, is not the more persnal stuff to people of the opposite gender. I said I had had this problem with a guy friend of mine, and I had made sure to pull way back on the time I was spending with him and what I was telling him. At some point, I would like to sit down and talk to H about what would be good boundaries for any new potentional opposite-gender friends we might have. I know he felt like his toes were stepped on with my guy friend, and he's had two female friends who bothered me, now. That way, we'll both feel comfortable.
H also told me that he has been bored in the bedroom. This really floored me--he had never told me this, I always had the impression he just wasn't interested. Ever. H told me sometimes he tried to get a little experimental, but I always complained it was uncomfortable. I have always had problems with pain during sex...(yeast related)...until I recently switched forms of BC. At that point, it was like being freed...I was able to do so much more. But, I guess this makes sense--H and I have been at it pretty much every time I've seen him for the last two months. Although it did hurt...I had always thought he was understanding of my difficulty.
By the time we got my place, it was late, and H said he was just going to grab his car. I felt like I had been run over. I was kind of avoiding him. I went up inside, and then didn't come back down. H finally came up to see if I was okay. I gave him a quick hug, and he left.
I felt pretty bad after that. I realized I had been distant with him, so I called him, but he was on the other line. So I left him a vmail apologizing for being distant, I just was afraid if he held me I would completely lose--and then he would have a hard time leaving for work. I made sure to tell him that.
I had originally had plans to visit my friend, who lived an hour away. But I was too exhausted (emotionally) and it was too late, so I called her and apologized, said I really needed to stay in.
He called me back a few minutes later. Said he was sorry, he had been busy yelling into the phone. (Roommate.) Then he groaned, said she was calling again, and let me go. When he called me back again, he sounded pretty worried. Said she was completely flipping out, was wanting to know all kinds of stuff about me. He said she had asked where I was moving to--so he lied, told her the complete opposite side of town. That he was really concerned because she was staying just down the street from my place, and that he wished I had gone to visit my friend anyway that night.
H asked me to lay low, not do anything obvious so she would know which apartment I lived in. Not to answer any knock at the door. That she was nuts enough to go to every door to try to track me down. And to make sure I was armed at all times, even when I walked the dog.
I asked H if he would feel better if took the dog and stayed at his mom's. He said he would, but for me to leave right then.
MIL wasn't home. I spent the night upstairs on the futon. H called me a couple of times to check on me, and again after he got off of work. He kept apologizing for putting me through all of this. (I am so glad I'm moving in two weeks.) He actually said she must have had some other idea or plan in her head this whole time, that she was suddenly obsessed with knowing things about me. (As if I hadn't been saying that all along, I just kept my mouthg shut.) That she had known he was spending all of this time with me anyway.
I was tired, and started griping about her on the phone to H. Then I caught myself, apologized, said I was tired, and knew this was hurting him, too. He said it was okay, she was a female getting in between me and my husband, so he understood the hostility.
I slept some more, then drove home about mid-morning. I had someone thought I might come home to find my place broken into, after what H had said.
H called me early afternoon, just a few minutes ago, just as he had woken up. We made plans to meet later at BIL1's house for a party for one of his kids. I told H that everything was fine here. He said she wasn't the type to break in. I asked H what she would do. He said she would probably want to get in my face and say stuff to me. I asked if he thought she would get physical. He said she might (although I'm not particularly worried about that--I'm a big believer in the 2nd amendment, as well as trained in fighting...and someone that mad is out of control, and won't be fighting well). I told H if she showed up, I would call the police on her for harassing me. He said I was within my rights to do that. I told him if she started going that far over the line, I wanted to have some legal documentation so that I could take further action later, if necessary.
I also pointed out that he had thought the woman he had a PA with during first sep was going to say something to me, as well. She had plenty of opportunities, when she would come into the bar and I was already there. (And I wasn't leaving just because she came in.) I pointed out one time she had literally walked all around me, and I was sure she was going to say something, I was just waiting. H had been sure, too, and it had made him sick to his stomach. I said it had done the same to me, too--I hate confrontation. But, in the end, she had been too chicken. And I wondered if roommate was the same.
I also made a point of calling her by name, instead of horrible names I had been subsituting with. I told H I was doing this on purpose, as a way of facing what happened instead of hiding from it anymore. H asked me, again, to not hold it against him. I told him I wasn't mad anymore--that I had been for a long time, but I had let go. He said I had had every right to be mad, after what he had done. I said that was true, but I held onto it much longer than I should have. And all of that didn't matter anymore, since we are starting fresh now!
I told H I missed him, couldn't wait to see him. He said he missed me, too. That he still had some packing to do--and he still had to clean the dishes. I said I had thought roommate was going to do that, and he said she was, then she got all crazy and flipped out. But, that all her stuff was gone, and she had given him her key. So, I guess she's ex-roommate now.
I'm headed off to MIL's--no hot water, so I need a shower.
Totally, good advice. I really don't think anything physically happened between them. Oh, the thought has crossed my mind. But H has made that mistake before. And he made such a big deal about me asking him at one point if he had--so he could tell me (very proudly) that nothing had happened.
Quote: H's constant fear that roommate will tell you something that will drive you away is very curious.
This is actually typical of H's personality, but yes, I do find it odd, as well. He keeps explaining it that she has been known to make up similar stuff to get back at people. He overheard her on the phone one day, telling the ex-gf of a male friend of hers that she and the male friend had done all of the sexual stuff together. H knew it was a lie, since he had been with her all day the day she mentioned.
Quote: So far you've told him that it doesn't matter what she tells you because you know it's not true so you're not worried. IF you are really OK with whatever might have happened perhaps you should let him know that no matter what she tells you, true or not, that's in the past. There is no point re-living the past because it's over. You need to live in the NOW and that means moving forward with a new R that buries the past! This way, no matter the reason for his fear (real or imagined) he knows that he doesn't have to fer your reaction. But you have to really be OK with it - and you have to mean it!
You know, I've thought through all of this, but maybe I haven't made that clear to him. I'm not going to bring up the subject again, but if he does, I think I'll make it a point to make sure he knows this.
In all honesty, it would hurt me to find out something happened (and I have my suspicions) but I would be all right eventually. My new mantra is that our old R is dead, this one is new, so the past is irrelevent. Anything before we reconciled this time doesn't matter to me.
H just called me, asking to bring his SP... He asked if I had any spare money, thought it would be fun to buy a second SP for me, so we could get MarioKart and link them together. LOL We used to play all the time on the N64. (We both love video games.)
Thanks for stopping by, I hope your day is going better.
H called me again yesterday morning before I left to go to MIL's. Just chit-chatted. I asked him if he had found his ring, since he had been concerned he had misplaced it the other day. He said he had, that he was wearing it, so he wouldn't lose it in the move. I said I had a couple of good places he could put it at my place, so it wouldn't get lost. He said that was unnecessary.
We met at MIL's house, and both showered there. I had no hot water. He had packed his shower curtain.
MIL came in not too long after that. She had not spent the night at her house while I was there (I'm assuming she was with her bf), and noticed that someone had been there. So I said it was me, so she wouldn't worry.
Well...MIL is nosy, and one thing led to another, and H told her part of the story. That someone (he didn't say ex-roommate...I'm going to use xrm from now on...) had been acting crazy about him and he just felt better if I stayed the night elsewhere. He didn't tell her much, just that it was someone from the club, and that she knew where I lived. MIL actually asked if it was xrm, and H denied it. (I'm sure he doesn't want her jumping to conclusions.)
After that we shopping to get some presents for BIL1's two boys. On the drive over, I mentioned H was wearing an earring again (he had taken it out for awhile, and now he was wearing one I had given him). I told H I had found it really creepy that xrm had let him wear an actual diamond earring that her bf had given to her. H had said he didn't think anything of it, that his female friends had always given him stuff. I pointed out that they had also usually wanted to be more than friends, and he agreed that was true.
I told him I felt like there were things that step on my boundaries as his wife, that he shouldn't let women do. H said getting the attention made him feel good...and then he paused, and said that things were different now, since he was M, and maybe that did change the situation. (Wow! H has always maintained the "there's nothing wrong, I'm going to do what I want" attitude. His indicating a bit of doubt in this area was big. H then said, rather plaintively, that he didn't understand why these women fall in love with him so easily. (He's not exaggerating. He easily attracts a women--part of his personality.)
We were goofing off in the gaming store, picked up a couple of things for us. H got a little annoyed at me at one point. He had asked me to bring the SP, which I did--and didn't take it with me once we left MIL's. He was grumpy, saying he wanted to try out the games at the store, that's one of the reasons he had wanted the SP. I just let him gripe, and tried not to be affected by it.
I was flipping through the game magazine, commenting on some stuff I thought we should get to play together. H commented to the rep that he had the coolest wife, since I enjoyed video games as much as he did. After that, when we were headed to BIL1's house, he said he he had actually forgotten we had ever been apart. He then apologized for being so snappy in the store, said he was just stressed about a lot of stuff.
The bday party for the kids was fun. Although MIL had told BIL1 "something" happened. So then he was extremely interested. I tried to avoid the subject, and so did H. But by then we had a crowd of people wanting to know "what happened." H and I kept trying to tell them it was really a non-incident, but it kept getting blown up. And, of course, he didn't let on who it really was--just that it was "someone from his club." Although maybe hearing all of these people will get H to see the position he's really put me in with all of this. They were all flipping out, saying H had a stalker. While I really don't think she'll keep this up for very long, I think a good dose of reality (from people who don't know the whole background, and don't know who she is, and don't have a personal stake in it) is good for him.
After some time, H got out the SP and started playing with it. Which left me little to do. BIL1's IL's were there...and I don't like them much (they yell a lot). So I wound up wandering upstairs to play Halo with BIL1 and his two girls. Interestingly, H soon followed us upstairs to play his SP closer to me. And ask me questions on where the different dungeons were.
It had been storming (and I mean a wall of rain), so we had put our original plans of finishing moving his stuff on hold. But the rain abruptly cleared up, so we decided to try to get it done.
As we drove back to MIL's to pick up my car, H commented that he was really hurt by all of xrm's behavior, that he had counted her as one of his really close friends. And that it seemed like I had been right, that she really did have something else on her mind. He kept asking if he had done something to deserve her treating him like this. I told him no, of course, and it was okay to be upset about it. He said he had just assumed that he and xrm would be good friends, just not living together anymore. I told him I had thought so, too, but she was the one who had made prevented that. And, if she was going to turn on him like this, then she really wasn't his friend anyway. I told H, to me, it really sounded like an emotional affair. He said maybe more so on her part, and that maybe it really was a good thing this had happened after all, since now they're not going to be friends anymore, to head off anything else from happening.
I went by my parents' house to borrow their (very large) van. I only stepped inside for a minute, and made mention of the two cats. My dad gave me a bizarre look, and said (kind of harshly) "I thought we were just moving you." I told him that I had the cats now, and he just sort of looked at me funny.
I debated whether or not to tell H, and finally decided not to. It would only hurt him, wouldn't help the situation, and I want to be able to work on my parents' attitude some more.
I felt uncomfortable in the apartment again. I think H could see the look on my face, as I was packing dishes. I had seen where xrm had written something on the dry-erase board (in permanent marker, no less), and H had tried to clean it off. I know it was a bit snoopish, I tried to read it, but all I could make out was some bad profanity. H asked me what was bothering me, and I said I didn't want to talk about it. But he kept insisting.
This always puts me in an awkward position. H hates it when I "don't talk to him," but, at the same time, I knew it was unproductive. He finally came over, gave me a hug, and asked me again. I told him that I was really weirded out, and at that point, was convinced he and xrm had actually had an affair. H got this really hurt look, and told me that he hadn't done anything physically with her. (And it actually rang very true to me.) I told him that's why I didn't want to bring up the subject again. He had already told me that, several times, and I knew I was just feeling uncomfortable because I was there. And that I didn't want to upset him.
Well...I was feeling better. And then H wasn't. (Which is why I hadn't wanted to talk then.) While I was packing, H started volunteering more info on xrm. I think he was really bothered. He spilled that at some point, she had accused him of lieing about saying he needed to move in with his mom, that the lease was really up, so that he could just get rid of her. I gave H a funny look, and said that didn't make any sense, if the lease had been up, then it actually would have made more sense.
Then H told me something that actually seriously worried me. I had pretty much decided that maybe xrm was just mouthing off about knowing where I lived and that sort of thing, and wouldn't really do anything. He told me xrm had said she wanted to get a cat that looked exactly like our male cat--and then give it the same name.
All the calling and yelling and maybe even driving by I can understand (although it's not acceptable). We've all been tempted to do that. But to get a cat that looks the same and give it the same name?
I'm wondering what else she might have said that H is holding back from me.
While were packing, H pointed out that he was wearing his ring. I had noticed it much earlier, just not said anything. I told him I had seen it. He said he just didn't want to lose it. I said that made sense. H then commented that maybe he would just leave it on. I said that would nice. (I had seen this coming earlier. H had actually taken it off when he started bartending, after I told him it was okay, because when he does flair it hits the bottles pretty solidly, and messes up what he's doing.)
Then H mentioned that he wanted to make multiple trips with the van last night. I told H I couldn't, I was already doing a big favor for him last night, and that I had to get some sleep at some point. He said he was concerned he was going to get evicted (having not paid the rent and never getting $$ from xrm) or that xrm might just show up (I asked, and he said she was dumb enough to do that), and he wanted to get this all done and just be over it. I told him I would help him until I really had to sleep.
We decided to do the two couches first, since they were the worst. I did my best to help H with them, since he had complained last time that he did all of the work. I actually brought my workout gloves--which H thought was great that I had planned ahead. As we were carrying the biggest one to the van, I had to set it down twice (the apartment is disgusting far from the parking lot). H actually said he was finally beginning to realize that I wasn't as strong as him. (DUH! But it was nice to hear it. )
I asked H to drive down to MIL's, since I needed to take a nap. But, once we got in the van, I was just upset. Combination of being tired and being in that place again. I started crying. I thought since it was dark, H wouldn't notice--but he caught the reflection on my cheek, and asked me what was wrong.
I told H that I was fine, I just needed to cry. But he persisted. I told him that I was convinced he was going to leave me again, eventually. He asked if he looked like a guy who was going to leave, and I said no, he didn't.
I then blurted out all of the things he had done that really hurt me. How he had left a screaming vmail, while I was at the gym, accusing me of doging his calls and say he was going to put all of my stuff out on the street if I didn't come get it, because he "couldn't go on with his life" while it was all still there. He said he had no idea that he had done that, he didn't remember saying those things, and he was just really in pain. I said I knew that. I told him that I had felt really left behind when he started hanging out with xrm and another male friend all the time, like I had been completely left behind. And that's why I was convinced he was having an affair with her. I told him it hurt really bad that he got rid of me quicker and more harshly than her.
H told me that I was the one he wanted, he had realized he couldn't live without me. I told H he had said the exact same things after the first sep. He was quiet for a minute, then said that he didn't know that. But that he didn't want to be hurt anymore, he had wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, and things were so messed up between us that he just didn't know what to do. That he just wanted us to think for some time and try to resolve whatever was wrong. But that it had gotten way out of hand, and he had never meant for any of this to go the way it had. That he thought, every day, of calling me and just asking me to bring my stuff back to the apartment. But he was afraid that wouldn't fix anything. I told him he was right, we both needed the time, that's why there was a second sep--the first one didn't last long enough. It's just that xrm got in the way, and I didn't appreciate that.
After I had finished crying, I did feel better. I knew it was one of those things that I just needed to flush out, and I would be fine.
Once we had put the stuff in MIL's garage (it was midnight, and she never even woke up) I told H I just couldn't do anymore, I had to go to bed. The dog had not been fed, and I needed to get to work in the morning. H asked if he could borrow the van overnight to get done, he just wanted out of that place so bad--but I told him I wouldn't have a vehicle.
I didn't go back up with H to the apartment, I was so tired I just needed to get home. H told me to be careful, call him, and keep an eye out. I noticed he was looking at every passing car to make sure it wasn't her.
After I got home, I called H. He mentioned xrm had left a few items in the apartment that he needed to give to her. He sounded, again, like he missed her--said he wished he could just give her her stuff without it being a big deal. I told H I had a feeling that said she was going to do something else. I don't think violent, I think more along the lines of mouthing off to him, maybe showing up at the apartment or something. He said he had the same feeling.
I told H that I would be fine, I had the (very loud) dog and was armed, so not to worry. I asked him to call me if he was going to let himself into my place at night, since I was a little on edge. And that I would try to come over to his place after work to help him finish up.
I'm still cranky with H today. I know it's because I'm tired. But this also sucks. H throws me out, gets new roommate. Female roommate has something in her head about her friendship with H that is clearly not true--I'm more convinced of that now than ever because of her bizarre behavior. I get stuck helping H late at night to move all of his stuff, to help get him out of a mess that not only did he put himself into, but was horrible to me about in the beginning. This really sucks. (Yes, that was just a b!tch paragraph. )
That somehow made me feel really good--that I could still do that. I really wish we had the time (and a place!) to ML, and so did he. I was feely really, really sappy--enjoying holding him, the pleasant weather, just our time together. I know, especially for H, it's a very emotional thing with me. One of his ways of showing me how much he cares.
Kept insisting I kiss him. I managed to give him goosebumps again. 
He told me he still gets butterflies around me...that sometimes he still gets nervous when he's with me. 
(Yeah, I know, I'm evil...) Probably it was just too hot for him, since H kept the AC off to save money. 