Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[PeterB]

I see a thread called "boundaries". Are you suggesting I read that?

Yes, definitely read that. Boundaries aren't to control her, rather they're to protect you. If she crosses one of your boundaries you take action to protect yourself. As an example, you may not find it acceptable for her to yell and swear at you (boundary). You can't stop her from yelling and swearing, but you can hang up the phone or walk out of the room if she does (enforcement of boundary).

Thanks. I read it and looks like it advises on boundaries for tactical issues (rather than strategic issues) like the one you mentioned. Is it appropriate to set a boundary when she starts accusing me of preposterous things, which I do not agree to? Let's assume that she is venting, and her feelings are real. In this, I am not sure if a boundary supersedes validation in certain situations.

Should I tell her that if she PAs then I will divorce her (she does not know that I know about OM)?

You don't have to tell her, you can just do it. Action over words. IF you do choose to tell her, than you should stick to it, or we will learn you won't enforce your boundaries.

I thought about this and I actually decided I will divorce her if she goes PA.

Fyi: little over a month ago she asked me during one of the discussions - what if I want to have sex with other men? She followed it up with a modesty reclamation by saying that she does not like men and that she is 'extremely' choosy with men. I promptly replied that she should file a divorce asap and then sleep with whoever.

That seems like a pretty good response to me. Quick, decisive and strong. But...remember action over words. Don't let her walk all over you.

Thanks. I am trying to manage the daily situations such that she does not walk all over me. Identifying the exact situations / words is a bit tricky. Requires a bit of mindful slow-mo to identify and respond appropriately.