I'm starting to feel mad again. I can't really explain it, since there's no obvious cause. I'm sure I could pick a fight or convince myself there is some trigger--that stupid shirt, the dirty clothes he left on my bathroom floor, something equally trivial. But there's no concrete reason.
I'm convinced I have mood cycles when it comes to dealing witht his whole sitch. I went through it after we reconciled the first time (pretty much weekly). I went through it right after this sep happened (long and drawn out over a good month and half). I went through it again right after we reconciled (much more quickly). And I think the cycle started again last week. They do seem to be less severe, and more noticeable each time...
I'm not sure, but I feel like each time I need to process the feelings in a slightly different way. One time I needed to learn to cope with my H's help. Now, I almost think I need to run through the emotions with him there to hold me. About a week and a half ago I went through the depression/crying/feeling all alone, and kept the poor guy up for an hour and a half one morning. Then I went through the "it's-all-my-fault-I'm-an-awful-person" stage a few days later...although I did manage to get through that part on my own.
Now I'm mad. Not burning up, spitting-fire mad like I've been before. But definately mad. I can feel it building. I think it's really centered around the fact that I'm mad that he could hurt me this badly. That the one person I'm closest to in the entire world would willing put me through that kind of pain. The one person I have opened up to the most in my life could just discard me. I know that's not what happened...but that's how I feel sometimes.
The thing is...I know he feels like crap about it. Completely and utterly guilty. I know how bad it's killing him that he hurt me. Which makes me reluctant to give him any grief over it. I think part of what caused our second sep was I never was truly able to let go of the anger.
But then again...if I don't get into a fight, don't release all the emotion on him...am I just repeating that mistake again? Part of my problem is that I'm incredibly passive agressive. I think I may be falling into that trap here again. And I don't want to do that. I've learned that if I don't do something to channel that anger--eg, get into a fight--I build up resentment and that comes out in nasty, mean little things I do without thinking.
I know H is going to great pains to do set things right. He's doing so much now to make me happy. That's why I feel really, really awful about yelling at him or starting some kind of fight. But I think I'm being conflict-avoidant again...
Clearly I am going in circles with this thinking.
I think, the next time I get to spend time with H in person, I'm going to talk to him. Preface it with that I realize he's going to great lengths to make me happy, I'm not asking him to do anything, I just really need to let out some of my feelings. The last time I said something like that (when I kept him up on the phone, crying to him for an hour and a half), he did seem hurt, but okay--and I got it out of my system. I think I'll go with this...kind of compromise on the two polar opposite positions...
