My husband also had a long-distance A. I think that the limerence stage of a long-distance A lasts a lot longer than if they have the opportunity to see each other frequently. My H's affair lasted about two years, followed by about nine months of stopping and then starting talking to her again, then another six months of moping around feeling sorry for himself before I feel like he really rededicated himself to our M. So yes, a marathon, not a sprint.
Wow you have had quite a journey. Did your H have full sexual relationship with the OW? If yes, how did you cope with it? Knowing my W, I am pretty sure she thinks she is in love with her OM. Do you think there is a pattern among WAS in EA/PA that they will keep A going even after showing that they are actually trying to get back into a R with LBS (trying to get best of both worlds while using both AP and LBS).
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My advice to you is first of all, spend some time really thinking about what *you* want and what matters to you. What are you okay with, and what aren't you okay with? ... ... and decide where your boundaries are, what your core values are and how to align your life with your values, and what you need in your life to be healthy and happy.
Does love ever figure anywhere in this equation? Does love ever remain if a spouse cheats on the other? I think going GAL/LR and liberating oneself is great but there seems to be a fundamental contradiction within the goal of LR and the debris of a betrayal.
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Next, you need to stop worrying about what she's doing and thinking and just LET IT ALL GO. Some of the things you've said about your wife make you sound kind of controlling, like how to stop her from talking to her IC who you perceive to be threatening to your M, how to make her be more considerate about your son, etc. You control you. That's it. If she decides she wants to end the A and reconcile with you, that is a choice she will need to make on her own, not because you coerced her into it. Just let go and focus on yourself and your son.
This can't be repeated enough - thanks. Btw, I have never wanted her to stop talking to her IC. Soon after BD I did tell her a few times that he is destroying our marriage. I have a friend in his 50s whose wife divorced him. During a fight she revealed to him that her counsellor encouraged her to actively go out and have extramarital affairs - told her to have one-night stands and see how it feels. And she did. So I know what they are capable of. At this time though, I couldn't care less about her counsellor.
Originally Posted by may22
As others have said, same with spending time parsing through things she says to you-- it means nothing. She probably is torn and conflicted. That's her job to worry about, not yours.
At times she does directly bring up conflicts in her mind. I avoid responding to them. Is there any such situation where I should tell her something like - "thats your job to worry about, not mine"
Originally Posted by may22
I know how you feel because I've been there-- spouse still living in the house, says they want out but not going anywhere, in a long distance affair. In some ways I think this situation is harder because you have to see them every day so you have to be DBing all the time-- no real breaks. They're not making the decision so either you have to either make it for them by kicking them out or moving out yourself, or you can wait it out. It's HARD.
I am not going to move out - hell no. Should I at some point ask her to move out? For example, if I find out that she is soon going to restart PA (that would be the time when she decides to visit the place where OM lives).
Originally Posted by may22
Finally, re: respect-- if you respect yourself, people will either respect you back or you won't give a flying F if they don't. Trying to parse out actions that will result in your wife respecting you more is just focusing on her again. Stop trying to do things that are aimed at manipulating her into doing or feeling a certain way. Again-- you have to let go and focus on yourself, not on her. Also, I just have to say-- PEOPLE can't be in healthy relationships with PEOPLE they don't respect. I don't think this is a woman needs to respect a man kind of thing. That feels gross. Partners need to respect each other, period.
Thanks. The state where LBS's actions are never meant to have an effect on the WAS is a special state of being for sure .
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