Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[PeterB]

PeterB, Is it possible you expected to be treated better based on how much you did around the house and cared for your son which led to you building up resentment towards her? The often recommended book around here is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.

Damn, you & @Traveler just put it across in a stark way. There was indeed an expectation that she would notice, see the value of it and treat me better. Lack of that led to heavy resentment inside me. She claims sometimes that she doe see value and then in the next statement completely dismiss and even belittle my efforts, often saying that my son does not need it. Just fyi, two of his medical interventionists have a very different take on me - they call me a 'genius' and a 'superdad' - exact words. I am not bragging given that our son has a long way to go and almost all of the credit goes to him but what they say does make me a bit happy and it is at odds with what my wife thinks. Anyway, none of these matter now. If the R gets saved then perhaps she will see through one day.

It is very likely that her counsellor and friend are validating or even encouraging the affair. How do I deal with this headwind?

You can't. She's going to do what she wants to do and talk to and get validation from those she seeks out, and you can't control it. You have to put that completely out of your mind and start moving in the opposite direction.

Thanks for the reality check. Any thoughts on what does it takes for a WAW to get over the affair drug? I should remind that the affair is long distance at this time.

There's no way to estimate a time. But likely longer than you think. Right now you're hoping the affair will end in three months and then she'll come back. Perhaps you read online the average affair lasts 3-6 months, and you're thinking things will be back to normal by the Summer. (At least I did). Nope. Time to start wrapping your head around the phrase "this is a marathon, not a sprint."

This is getting clearer and clearer. Thanks.

She even tells me to stop trying so hard for her

This is incredibly common in sitches around here. As I bent over backward to be perfect after BD my ExW told me how well I was doing (as if I really was a lousy H before).

Lol, seems to be a darn script. Any pitfalls I should look out for? She started saying some things about her thoughts last night and I didn't respond at all.

Do you think she genuinely thinks I am trying to impress her or is it a defensive thought?

Who knows. Don't spend time trying to figure out what she thinks.

Trying to get there. Oddly liberating. I also realized yesterday that I actually don't understand most of what she says about this sitch. Even if I try to understand, the likely outcome will be that I MISundersand.

Peter you can't make her do anything. She knows a D will affect your son. Right now she doesn't care.

Ding, ding, ding. Either that, or she's convinced herself her leaving "to be happy" will actually be better for your kid. (because it's in her own self-interest)

Wtf! How did you see this so well? On the BD day, she told me exactly that - D will benefit him 'tremendously'. I told her she is out of her mind. She told me she does not talk about our son to her IC at all. That is very convenient for her as well as her IC .

This is great. A strong stance with an even keeled response. Right now you're scared about your marriage and family and acting out of fear, passively letting things happen to you. What if you flipped the switch and started taking an active stance on where you wanted your life to go and acted out of strength? What if you act as if YOU are the catch and you're going to be fine, maybe even happier, regardless of she decides? Perhaps she would start wondering if she were making a big mistake.

Lovely words. I am trying to reflect on my own self worth. I am terribly worried for my son, I'll admit that and somewhat worried about the possibility of future R failures. But in this sitch, I have no doubts about my value. Quite confident of that. I have also admitted by own mistakes and that has given me closure and confidence. So yeah I am going to model myself as being a catch rather than a catcher. Thanks again, for the clarity.

Think hard about my comment above. How can you take a position of strength and actively decide how this is going to go? Instead of asking "what will happen if she...", start thinking what YOU'RE going to do about YOUR life. Reclaim the power. Get in the mindset of she's crazy to be doing this and she's going to lose out on the best thing that ever happened to her. Start feeling like you're the prize and your strong and you're going to have an incredible life either way. I know it's hard at first but really think about this and really try to implement it. The sooner you do the better you'll be.

Amazing words. She will tell me - "I am thinking of going to XXX for a few days, is it okay?". I am inclined to answer - 'do whatever you want'.