I realized about, oh 12:25 that I had a meeting scheduled at 1:30, so I needed to go to lunch soon. Whoooops. So I called H, thinking he was probably close.
H was flustered, sounded close to tears, when I told him that. Said his card had gotten stuck in the ATM, the machine didn't want to spit out the cash, and he didn't want to just leave because he didn't know when/if the ATM would spit out his card. Said he just wanted to get some money so that we could have a nice lunch together. And that he was still 20 minutes away.
I told him it was okay, I would just take a shorter lunch to see him. He said he wanted to go by his place to get the face to his CD player, but now he wouldn't. Just that he wished he had it, since music calms him down. He sounded really stressed out. I told him to just go and get it, if it would make him feel better. He said he already passed the place, and that he would go 90 on the interstate.
I told him it wasn't necessary, that I would just leave work and meet him somewhere so that we would have more time. He promised he would slow down, then.
Then he started ranting about roommate. (I think this is what was really bothering him, anyway.) Said he had gone ahead and hidden the rest of his quarters. Went off on how he felt like she was taking advantage of him. Said, "You think you know someone, and then they relax around you, and you see what they're really like." This is soooo completely different from his unwavering support of her. (Okay, I admit it, I was in some perverse way kind of enjoying it.)
H went on to say that he felt like she had an anger problem, that she would just flip out about stuff that didn't matter. Kind of interesting if H says that, since he has a pretty nasty temper. He told me that she gets really bad when she's driving, or is just plain moody all of the time. Which...interesting...are some of the same bad qualities in my H. Although I get the impression from him that hers may be worse, that she just flies off the handle for now reason (H doesn't ever do that). He's been much calmer lately, and I wonder if observing her over-the-top behavior might be part of that.
At that point, he was practically screaming in my ear, going on about how he felt like she had abused their friendship. I was just calm, just listening; hopefully I didn't sound too patronizing. After a moment, he paused, realized what he was doing, and apologized for screaming. I said it was fine, he was stressed out, and just venting. In all honesty, it didn't even really bother me.
Lunch was nice. I could tell he was tense. I offered to rub his shoulders, and then I asked him if he wanted to talk. I don't think he was in the mood, probably because we were in public, so I switched strategies to distraction. That seemed to help some, but I can tell his mind was elsewhere. Too much stress, I think.
I had to cut out early to head back to work, but it was still nice to see him. I did happen to mention that I was glad he cooked dinner, and he asked (yet again) if I had liked the chicken....
Poor guy is all over the place. I think he's really ticked off/stress out by the whole roommate things. I wonder if this is how the LBS comes across at first??
Well, I found out the deal with the shirt... H had called me to tell me loved me (ahhh), and I brought it up. He said that he left it because he thought it was mine. He apologized, said it must have gotten mixed in accidentally. (I knew that already.)
I told him that it was kind of petty, but I just couldn't bring myself to wash it. H said it was petty. (Gee, thanks...I don't think he realizes how sensitized someone in my position gets to this kind of stuff.) I told him, in a nice voice, I wasn't mean, that I had admitted my own fault and it didn't feel good when he rubbed it in. He said he had only been kidding, and then began to chant "petty petty petty" into the phone. Okay, so he was trying to cheer me up. I told him I had considered doing worse to it, and he said he knew that.
We also talked about how he didn't like the fighting. I said I hadn't either. He said he hates fighting, because he always feel bad afterward. I said me, too. He said he always gets upset afterward because he can't stand hurting my feelings. I said I always felt the same way. Then I told him, I would have to start a fight with him just so we could make up... He laughed at that.
I then asked him if he was scared. He said, "Of what?" I said "us." He paused, said that he was. I said I wasn't. He asked why. I said I felt like we had been through the worst, and that I thought we were going to be just fine. He said he hoped so--and that that made him feel better.
The rest of our conversation was pretty light. Talked about a game he bought for us on for his SP (original Zelda). He sounded much calmer than earlier. Said he would be over later to spend the night. I teased him with some dirty talk on the phone...he said I had better stop, or he was just going to come over and see me right then. I said it had been awhile since I had teased him over the phone. I then opened my big mouth and said that, at that point, I knew he was just coming to see me for sex.
He sounded kind of hurt, then. (Never mind, this was right after I had moved out, and he kept insisting it "didn't mean anything" and "didn't mean we were getting back together" and asking me if I was "reading too much into it.") I said it was okay, it was some of the best sex we had ever had! He said it wasn't just sex to him...he pointed out that he had held me afterward, and said ILY, and he had just wanted to see me, too. Interesting how, now, he's sort of seeing the past in a different light. At the time, he kept insisting it wasn't necessarily leading somewhere. I had kind of suspected that, at the time, he was really trying to convince himself, not me. I really should have just not brought it up at all.
I'm starting to feel mad again. I can't really explain it, since there's no obvious cause. I'm sure I could pick a fight or convince myself there is some trigger--that stupid shirt, the dirty clothes he left on my bathroom floor, something equally trivial. But there's no concrete reason.
I'm convinced I have mood cycles when it comes to dealing witht his whole sitch. I went through it after we reconciled the first time (pretty much weekly). I went through it right after this sep happened (long and drawn out over a good month and half). I went through it again right after we reconciled (much more quickly). And I think the cycle started again last week. They do seem to be less severe, and more noticeable each time...
I'm not sure, but I feel like each time I need to process the feelings in a slightly different way. One time I needed to learn to cope with my H's help. Now, I almost think I need to run through the emotions with him there to hold me. About a week and a half ago I went through the depression/crying/feeling all alone, and kept the poor guy up for an hour and a half one morning. Then I went through the "it's-all-my-fault-I'm-an-awful-person" stage a few days later...although I did manage to get through that part on my own.
Now I'm mad. Not burning up, spitting-fire mad like I've been before. But definately mad. I can feel it building. I think it's really centered around the fact that I'm mad that he could hurt me this badly. That the one person I'm closest to in the entire world would willing put me through that kind of pain. The one person I have opened up to the most in my life could just discard me. I know that's not what happened...but that's how I feel sometimes.
The thing is...I know he feels like crap about it. Completely and utterly guilty. I know how bad it's killing him that he hurt me. Which makes me reluctant to give him any grief over it. I think part of what caused our second sep was I never was truly able to let go of the anger.
But then again...if I don't get into a fight, don't release all the emotion on him...am I just repeating that mistake again? Part of my problem is that I'm incredibly passive agressive. I think I may be falling into that trap here again. And I don't want to do that. I've learned that if I don't do something to channel that anger--eg, get into a fight--I build up resentment and that comes out in nasty, mean little things I do without thinking.
I know H is going to great pains to do set things right. He's doing so much now to make me happy. That's why I feel really, really awful about yelling at him or starting some kind of fight. But I think I'm being conflict-avoidant again...
Clearly I am going in circles with this thinking.
I think, the next time I get to spend time with H in person, I'm going to talk to him. Preface it with that I realize he's going to great lengths to make me happy, I'm not asking him to do anything, I just really need to let out some of my feelings. The last time I said something like that (when I kept him up on the phone, crying to him for an hour and a half), he did seem hurt, but okay--and I got it out of my system. I think I'll go with this...kind of compromise on the two polar opposite positions...
OMG, did I ever have a long night...things really hit the fan...
I hadn't heard from H when I went to bed, so I gave him a call. He didn't answer, so I left him a brief message--have a goodnight, ILY, hopefully I'll see you later. No big deal.
Maybe 30 minutes later he called me. Sounded stressed. Said he had a really big problem, and needed a major favor. I asked what it was. He asked if I could get my parents' van, because he had to move his stuff right then. That roommate had just gone crazy, she had taken off, and he was really worried because he had seen her just go ballistic around other people, and was afraid she might do something to his stuff. I asked him if he was afraid she might tell me stuff like they had slept together, and he said that thought had occurred to him. (Since she's pulled a similar stunt before, with another person.) I told him that I would ask him, and of course believe him over her.
I was on the grumpy side--I needed to go to bed, I'm trying to get hired on full-time by this company right now. Driving to my parents' would be an extra hour, and then I would have to explain why, in the middle of the night, I was borrowing the van to help H (whom they don't like right now). Not fun.
I talked him out of that plan, said I would come over, we could load up our two cars, and take all of the most valuable/important stuff to my place. He had a friend who could help him the next day. I said I didn't mind helping him, but I just couldn't stay up all night.
H asked me to call him when I got to his place, in case she showed up again. I said he could trust me, I would behave. He said it wasn't me he was worried about, that he did trust me. That he was actually concerned she might end up stalking him (he's been stalked before, and I guess she's acting the same way.) So I said I just needed to get dressed, I would be there in about 45 minutes.
I was pretty tired on the way over. I thought to myself I must really love him to do this for him... And, annoyingly, I was starting to get hungry. I called H when I got in the parking lot, and he told me to come on up. When I got there, I was feeling a little awkward, so I just knocked on the door. He told me to come on in. He turned around, said I looked good. Um, yeah. I was half asleep, wearing a tank top and green khakis--which I have dubbed my "moving pants" since they have bleach stains and accompanying holes. But it was still nice to hear.
He gave me a big hug, told me he appreciated the help. And that he would thank me very specifically later...
I didn't feel so funny in the place this time. Pretty much everything was boxed up. Actually, it felt like I should be home and going to bed. Weird...
H prioritized what was most important/hard to replace, and we packed up that stuff into my car. I was in that sleep-deprived haze, where I felt like a walking zombie. He commented that I wasn't irritating him moving all of this stuff like I had in the past. I commented, "I'm not complaining," meaning I thought it was a good thing--and then he turned to me, like a light bulb went off and said, "That's the reason. You're not complaining." Yeah, I'll have to remember that. He joked maybe the next time we move, I should be half-asleep.
H then commented that he still wouldn't be helping me move to my new apartment in two weeks. I don't think the (really bad) irony was lost on him that he forced me out of the apartment, wasn't any help, and now I am helping him move out of it. Because then he said he just wasn't comfortable being around my parents. Until last night, his reasoning had been he didn't want to get mad at me--and he had actually refused any offers up until that point I had made to help him move, for the same reason. But I understand. It's too awkward for him to be around them right now, and to be honest, that's perfectly fine with me at this point.
I could tell I was getting a little irritated with him--about stupid things, again. And I know why, now. I needed to have that argument with him. (Doesn't that sound silly??) Kind of showed me I was right about the anger coming out in a much more passive agressive way than if I just blew up at him and got it over with.
After we packed as much as we could fit, H said he needed a couple of things and then we would be ready. He asked me to wait for him, so I did. I was afraid to sit down, in case I couldn't get back up. H commented that roommate reminded him of this woman from one of the telenovelas (Spanish-language soap operas) who was secretly in love with some guy, and just loses it. I managed to keep my mouth shut on that one.
Unloading was quicker, and we just dumped all the stuff in my living room. As he was letting the cats out, he told me he had missed my call earlier because he was having an argument with roommate. I mentioned, from the outside, it looks like a couple breaking up. He said he knew that, and it really weirded him out. He kept saying "you think you know someone" or "you just try to be nice."
I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said I could. I asked if they had done anything. He said no. He said one time when they were both really drunk, she had commented "It would be nice if we hooked up." And then he had told her that he had no intentions of doing that, and she didn't really want that either. He told me that whole conversation had made him uncomfortable...that that's when he knew he wanted to come back to me, that he just wanted his wife. I asked him when that was. He said about two months ago. Which...I guess would be about right. That's when he started coming around more, showing more of an interest.
I told him that she was acting exactly the same way his "best friend" did when he told her he was coming back to his wife. Exactly. (And I found out, eventually, that he and "best friend" had slept together.) He said he knew that. He said roommate had been acting funny ever since he told her he was going to leave (I'm assuming he meant for the army). That he had asked her what he could do to make it better, and she had said "stay."
Okay, now I know I'm not exaggerating this in my mind. The woman at one point said she thought it would be a good thing if they got together, and then flips out because he's leaving. WTF??? Is he really that ignorant!? Okay, admittedly, he's at least acknowledging that she's acting off her rocker. But come on the woman acts like she has some sort of claim on him!
H was sweet, decided to do something to help me go to sleep since it was around 3am. I made a half-hearted protest that I was too tired, I wasn't interested...but H went after me anyway. I think it was his way of saying "thank you."
I tried to go to sleep, and he went to play some online game on my computer. But I was still mad. I had put it off because, well, obviously there was a bigger problem. I finally got up a few minutes later, and went in there. H asked me what was wrong, and I told him I was mad.
He got pretty upset, said he hadn't done anything, he was doing everything he could to get out. I said I knew that, but I was still mad. This conversation spiraled out of control pretty quickly. I tried to, calmly, explain why I was mad--that I was still hurt, I was mad about roommate, and I just needed to vent. That I knew, and I mean really knew he felt bad and was doing everything he could to take care of it. I tried to explain that I just needed to let the anger out, I just needed to vent. He said it hurt his feelings. Then he took me by the hand, said I needed to go to sleep, and put me back in bed. He knew I was up way too late.
I noticed after H came to bed, he kept wanting me to hold him or lay on him--kept pulling me over toward him. One time I remember he must have thought I was uncomfortable, with my head sort of on his shoulder, because he moved my pillow to make sure my head was supported and I wouldn't get a crooked neck.
I was sleeping on the floor again, because of my back. (It's been doing wonders.) I had my back to the dresser, and was laying on my H, when something fell and hit me on the back. I remember saying "OW!" pretty loudly (more out of the fact that I was surprised and confused, than anything else), and then H asked me what was wrong. It took me a minute to figure out the small table by the bed had fallen over, and the contents dumped on top of me.
I picked up the stuff, and righted the table. H asked how it had fallen, and I told him I assumed one of the cats did it. He told me to move closer to him, so it wouldn't fall on my head.
I had a really hard time getting up this morning (not surprisingly, I had less than four hours of sleep). When I did get up, H tried to pull me back down, but I told him I really didn't have time--I had gotten up, basically, when I needed to leave.
And now I'm stressed out. I'm not totally convinced there wasn't some sort of PA with roommate. He's sounding exactly the same as he did before. He told me, with "best friend" that they had "made out a little"--and then, the next day, admitted they had sex. So I'm really paranoid about this whole mess. Obviously, H wants to be with me...but, then again, he acted this way then, too. I'm getting that weird feeling he's not telling me the whole truth, and it's usually right... I really don't want to have to go through this again, I just want to get on with my life!
Well, H just called me. I had pretty much calmed down, already. Realized a lot of the fear was just crazymaking in my own head, that I was jumping to conclusions. Hearing him was very, very soothing. I guess roommate had called him and woke him up to "apologize." He said it felt like she was just trying to manipulate him to get her way.
He told me he was on his way to his place, that he was going to just rent a van, and a friend was going to help him move out everything while she's at work. I guess she never went back last night.
H also told me some more about what happened last night. I guess he had told her to tell the cats goodbye, that they were leaving that night, and she got all upset/mad, and wanted to know why the cats couldn't stay with her. Um, yeah. I told H that they were half mine. Well, one of them is really mine...but we agreed, even when we were fighting, to not split the two cats up. I told H it really ticked me off she thought she had some claim on the cats.
H defended her some, said it was like taking away a good friend suddenly. I said I understood she would miss them, but that certainly didn't make her entitled to them!
I told him I was really tired, kind of in a fog, that I had less than four hours of sleep, and I was feeling cranky. He told me how much he appreciated me helping him. And I said I really did know how much it meant to him, and to call me if he needed more help.
I did gripe some into the phone. But I didn't yell. Maybe I can gripe without yelling to release some of the tension...? I do feel somewhat better.
I told H that, especially since I am dead tired, that I'm just in a lousy mood. That I'm not uspet with him. I'm just tired of all of roommate's crap. He said that he was too. (:D So I'm evil....it makes me happy to hear this...) That I'm sick of her acting like she's entitled to him or his things.
He said she might just be upset because, in her mind, if she was such a good friend, it didn't make sense why she couldn't hang onto some stuff for him while he's gone in the army. I pointed out that he didn't even like to lend his brother stuff--that I clearly felt privelaged. (H is incredibly anal about his electronics and games...she obviously doesn't know him that well if she didn't understand that. It's a pretty basic, clear thing about his personality.) H agreed that I was privelaged. (The man doesn't even like other people to handle his DVD's...I have to watch them and handle them if I take them anywhere else.)
H told me he was doing this for me, he was doing all of this to make me happy. I told him I knew that, and I appreciated it so much--that I thought about that just as much as everything else that made me mad. That, all of the stuff he is doing for me, is the second most prevalant thought in my head.
I did gripe some more about roommate, and I do feel better. I think he wasn't as sensitive this morning, so it wasn't as big of a deal that I was being mad about her. Probably because I had just got done telling him that I really and truly knew what kind of effort he was putting in for me. I should thank him for letting me gripe later, tell him it really cleared out the anger, and then make sure not to gripe for awhile.
H did mention that he wasn't at all irritated with me last night while I was helping him move--he sounded fairly surprise by it. He said he thought it was because I didn't gripe during the move...didn't say "it's too heavy" or "I'm gonna drop it" and said stuff like "give me something to carry" and "I can take more." I told him I thought it was because I was stronger now, from the gym. He pointed out I asked him several times to readjust, and that was okay, so it's not that things were not heavy or awkward...just my approach in saying things was different. (Goes to show how you say something is just as important, if not more so, than what you say.)
I also think this may be tied into my passive agressive nature. The last time we moved, we moved into his apartment right after the first sep. I was still steamed at him over the PA. I think that was coming out in my griping about all the other little things.
Talking to him was very calming. I had already decided that whatever happened with roommate didn't matter. I had asked a few times, and he has told me nothing occurred. No point in asking again. And, again, there was a second sep because we didn't make the necessary changes after the first one. Time to put the past behind me.
H actually mentioned he felt like we had both grown a lot, emotionally, through this. That we were both different--in a good way--and it made us more stable. He also said that, even if for some reason we didn't work out, he would always measure anyone else he dated against me. I knew he meant it as a compliment, and a high one...it was just a weird way of putting it.
I am glad he called me. Without him realizing it, just talking to him was very reassuring.
I should have expected I would be emotional today. Typical of me, when I don't get enough sleep...and I got less than 4 hours last night...
Okay, I was just sitting on my couch having a little pity party with myself and a thing of ice cream. Just crying. Convinced again that H really had crossed the line and had a PA with roommate. Yeah, I knew I needed to thought-stop...but I'm just so mentally exhausted right now... Okay, more than anything, I just wanted to cry on my H.
Well, he has the best timing today. H called me while I was in the middle of crying. (That's twice today he's just happened to call when I really needed to hear him...) He knew immediately something was wrong, and asked me if I was okay. I told him I was just tired, and wanted to take a nap.
He said he had just called to tell me that he and (male) friend had moved out the majority of his stuff and taken it to his mother's house. That he should be able to make dinner tonight with me and my friend. He also mentioned he still had a little bit left to do, but wanted to let me sleep tonight. (Wow...H saying he wants me get enough sleep...he used to never be so considerate... )
Talking to him was very, very calming, even if it was only for a minute. He was still with his friend, so he said he would call me later when he knew better what he was going to do about dinner.
I keep reminding myself that H has made a point of telling me he did sleep with roommate. That he even volunteered this, without my asking, months ago. I remember, one night we were on the phone, around the time we reconciled (maybe shortly after?) I had told H I didn't want to know/didn't care if he had been with anyone during the sep--and H kept insisting I ask him, sounding very proud, until I finally gave in, and he told me he hadn't done anything with anyone, even though he had been offered at work.
And...H has come back to me twice now. No one else seems to be able to displace me permanently. And I have to acknowledge that we were having issues, and even though he's responsible for his actions, I contributed to the environment that allowed it to be an option for him.
I do think a good night's sleep will calm me down. H has just been incredible the last month, doing so much without being asked to reassure me.
My dad called me last night, concerning lunch with my aunt on Saturday. He asked if I was riding with him. I said no, I would probably ride with H since I had invited him. He was pretty quiet. Not sure he took it well. He just said okay.
I had a pretty good evening. Had dinner with my friend and her bf. He showed up later. Not too long after he got there, he got a phone call, but didn't answer when it rang. Then he said he had to "go to his car to get something." I know he went to call back whoever it was. To me, that just seems kind of rude, but I didn't say anything...
I finally had to leave, since I worked the next day. H came back to my place with me. He commented, after we got there, that he would be spending most nights at my place since he had nothing at his apartment anymore.
Since I was pretty tired and it was late, I got ready to go to bed. H had been playing on the computer when he saw me changing clothes. He came into the bedroom, commented that he was willing to quit playing games to pay attention to me. This was something we had had a problem with before--H being too involved in whatever he was doing, and all I had asked for was a quick kiss goodnight or a hug. So this was a prety big gesture on his part.
I kind of protested (half-heartedly) his advances, said I was just too tired to be interested. He said he had missed me all day. I realized with him that ML is an emotional thing more than anything else...it was short, but sweet. H's phone rang in the middle of it--which is really starting to get on my nerves, since it's not that unusual. So he went to check his vmail afterward.
A few minutes later he said he needed to leave, to go "talk to some people." Not sure what that meant, but he was being circumspect again. I didn't ask. I'm assuming it was either roommate or someone wanting to stay in the apartment. H also said, since he was wide awake, he wanted to get some more packing done while he was motivated. I said that was a good idea.
He asked several times if I was okay with him taking off. We hadn't spent much time together yesterday, and I think he felt guilty. He said he didn't want me to think he had just stopped by for the sex. I told him I didn't think that. To be honest, I know him much better than that. So he gave me a big hug and took off.
I didn't question him again if there had been a PA with roomamte. I made sure not to push or be too nosy. And I made sure to be nice and easy-going. I think I had been too uptight the last couple of days, with all the crap that's been going on.
H called me early this morning, as I was leaving for work. I said I had missed waking up next to him, and he said he knew that. H also said he wound up crashing last night anyway, not long after he got home, so he didn't get anything done. I think he wished he had stayed with me after all.
Then he said he was returning the U-Haul, and needed a ride from the U-Haul place back to his apartment. He asked if I could take off of work, that I was the only one he could count on. I started to say yes--it was pouring down rain outside--but I realized that I couldn't go in late. For one thing, this was incredibly last second--and for another, I have to certain duties to do first thing in the morning every morning.
He said he had meant to ask me the night before if I could take him before I went to work--which I could have. I just found out too late. He said his friend (the one who helped him move) wasn't answering the phone. I asked if roommate could, and he said she was at work. I asked if his mom could, and he said she would get lost (very true). We hung up. I called him back a minute later, asked if his brother could. He said he had already called him, and he had some sort of appointment. So then I let him go, because I had to go to work.
I felt really bad. It was raining incredibly heavily outside. But then...I had been in the exact same position four months ago. I had to return a truck to the same place, and then had no ride back to his apartment to get my car. I wound up calling a taxi. H said he didn't have the money to get a cab.
He called me later, said he was walking, that the rain had subsided some, so it wasn't so bad. That he was just bored, and had no one else to talk to. I was fairly distracted, since I was at work. I need to ask him to call me less while I'm at work--sometimes I feel like he thinks he can just call me whenever.
But...I was glad to hear from him.
It wasn't all bad. H is still doing the secretive thing, maybe without even realizing it. Maybe because I had been so cranky with him for a couple of days. Usually, when I'm calm and accepting, he starts volunteering lots of info. And, he clearly is much more emotionally attached to me again. He's said I was the "only one he could depend on" and I think he felt bad about not spending the night last night anyway. I can't wait until this crap with his apartment and roommate is over with.
That seemed to help some, but I can tell his mind was elsewhere. Too much stress, I think.
Okay, so he was trying to cheer me up. 
He laughed at that.
He's sounding exactly the same as he did before. He told me, with "best friend" that they had "made out a little"--and then, the next day, admitted they had sex. So I'm really paranoid about this whole mess. Obviously, H wants to be with me...but, then again, he acted this way then, too. I'm getting that weird feeling he's not telling me the whole truth, and it's usually right... I really don't want to have to go through this again, I just want to get on with my life! 
And I have to acknowledge that we were having issues, and even though he's responsible for his actions, I contributed to the environment that allowed it to be an option for him.