Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[BL42]

PeterB,

Almost nothing I do is good enough. Never notices what I do around the house. My guy friends actually remark that I do so much and hope that their own wives don't find out. Apparently they don't do even half of what I do. Furthermore, our child is special needs so all his therapy needs are handled by me, including analysis and implementation - that is a full time job. Often converts things to opposite of what really happened and complains to her family. Extreme denial of logic during fights and comes back to fight again and again, once she is offended.

Is it possible you expected to be treated better based on how much you did around the house and cared for your son which led to you building up resentment towards her? The often recommended book around here is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.

and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.

It's also common WAS/WS will seek out people who validate their decisions (divorce, affairs...etc.) and reject those who question their decisions.

It is very likely that her counsellor and friend are validating or even encouraging the affair. How do I deal with this headwind?
You can't. She's going to do what she wants to do and talk to and get validation from those she seeks out, and you can't control it. You have to put that completely out of your mind and start moving in the opposite direction.

Thanks for the reality check. Any thoughts on what does it takes for a WAW to get over the affair drug? I should remind that the affair is long distance at this time.

There's no way to estimate a time. But likely longer than you think. Right now you're hoping the affair will end in three months and then she'll come back. Perhaps you read online the average affair lasts 3-6 months, and you're thinking things will be back to normal by the Summer. (At least I did). Nope. Time to start wrapping your head around the phrase "this is a marathon, not a sprint."

She even tells me to stop trying so hard for her

This is incredibly common in sitches around here. As I bent over backward to be perfect after BD my ExW told me how well I was doing (as if I really was a lousy H before).

Do you think she genuinely thinks I am trying to impress her or is it a defensive thought?

Who knows. Don't spend time trying to figure out what she thinks.

I don't know what really works for WAW that makes them come back to the marriage.

It's incredibly hard, but you can't control what she's going to do. She's going to decide for both of you. You just have to work out, 180, and GAL like crazy and make yourself and your life awesome.

Thanks. I did read up quite a bit but will talk to a lawyer asap.

Good. Do it ASAP.

Peter you can't make her do anything. She knows a D will affect your son. Right now she doesn't care.

Ding, ding, ding. Either that, or she's convinced herself her leaving "to be happy" will actually be better for your kid. (because it's in her own self-interest)

I am getting a sense you are a control freak. You will soon learn the only person you can control is yourself. The quicker you learn the better you will do at DBing.

You can't control her Peter.

The inability to control or have any say in such a personal life situation (marriage) can be very difficult to wrap your head around and accept. You have to fully let go. It's something I've never been great at, but have come to a better understanding post-BD/D. There's lots of similar philosophical themes in various cultures and religions. Think Serenity Prayer or meditation or mindfulness. Pain and suffering are caused by expectations. Someone here recommended Peter Crone and I've watched a few of his videos and learned a lot.

Don’t go out of your way to tell her anything. But next time she tries to initiate sex, say “I don’t want sex with someone who is having an affair.” Make sure it’s a stark, clear boundary but don’t dwell on it or get pulled into a discussion. Immediately end the discussion, or even go to sleep/go out.

Well said, Kind. "I think we should stop having sex?" is PASSIVE--deferring the decision about what he wants to do with his body to his wife. People respect guys more capable of ACTIVELY making decisions for themselves (which is different than AGGRESSIVELY trying to make decisions for other people).

This is great. A strong stance with an even keeled response. Right now you're scared about your marriage and family and acting out of fear, passively letting things happen to you. What if you flipped the switch and started taking an active stance on where you wanted your life to go and acted out of strength? What if you act as if YOU are the catch and you're going to be fine, maybe even happier, regardless of she decides? Perhaps she would start wondering if she were making a big mistake.

What if she travels to where the OM lives and meets him again? How do you think that will change the dynamic?

Think hard about my comment above. How can you take a position of strength and actively decide how this is going to go? Instead of asking "what will happen if she...", start thinking what YOU'RE going to do about YOUR life. Reclaim the power. Get in the mindset of she's crazy to be doing this and she's going to lose out on the best thing that ever happened to her. Start feeling like you're the prize and your strong and you're going to have an incredible life either way. I know it's hard at first but really think about this and really try to implement it. The sooner you do the better you'll be.

I am working out again - quite a bit actually.

That's awesome. Keep it up. Just wait a few months or a year and see how good you look and how great you feel.

Then she said something like "if we divorce then another woman will get lucky". I don't really care what she thinks about me working out but can't help thinking that these are bizarre statements.

This is an incredibly common thing to say. You'll read it in many threads. Don't get caught up in wondering about it.

Also taken up several courses, going out for meals & movies with friends and generally feeling upbeat.

Awesome! Keep it up.