Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[Traveler]

Should I tell her something like "I think we should stop having sex"? What if she asks "Why?" in response?

Less talky announcements about future behavior, more action in the present. If you decide not to have sex, the next time she asks, say "No." If she asks why, tell her. "You're having an affair."

She said that to me directly as she is sure that I am the cause of all fights (which is quite inaccurate.. although I admit that many fights

I remember my "Try not to fight" days, when I was still pushing partners away! You're responsible for every fight you're in--a fight takes two people. It's great you're working on this. Remind yourself that you drive you car. Your XW can yell, cry, etc. from the backseat but it's up to you if you ram others.

But yet apparently you do because you can't control your emotions.

I have strong family values but I understand that yelling is not consistent with maintaining a family.

It's great you accept this is not consistent with your idea of being a great parent or partner.

I would go into a mental spiral of repeatedly asking why is this happening, please stop, please stop. I now realize that it was a terrible type of weakness. I wonder how other people have controlled these situations?

It's grief. It's normal when your world falls apart. As long as you got ahold of yourself within a few days, I'd focused more on long-term problem behaviors like yelling and fighting. I sleep on big decisions.

Peter you can't make her do anything. She knows a D will affect your son. Right now she doesn't care.

Ok point taken. I hope she feels the weight of responsibility at some point...

It's great you've accepted you can't control her.

No testing yet but I have not felt anything. OM is long distance, so she is not having physical contact right now.

Peter, that's not how STIs work at all. Statistically, most adults in the world have an STI. You start to notice this if you require your partners to get tested and look at their results instead of relying on their guess that they're "clean". Like a cold or flu, you can be contagious without presenting symptoms. Each time you sleep with an infected partner, your chance of catching what they have increases. Wearing condoms can dramatically increase your chances of staying safe. If you believe she had a physical affair, the only way to know her or your current STI status is for you each to get tested. Don't add to the people here who got STIs from a cheating partner.

Probably not give any importance to it in my mind either?

What they do may be important; you still don't control their actions.