Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[PeterB]

I always say don't validate BS behavior like if she says you caused her to have an affair. But if you treated her bad (which I am sure at some point you did) then just respond with "I understand how that may have hurt you".

Yeah, no way I am going to condone the affair. I am trying to deal with it in my mind. I never imagined she would do that.

Bad behavior: Yelling at her, getting annoyed over 'simple things' (simple according to her), not able to share things with me fearing that I will get annoyed, not satisfying her sexually.

Is this true? So you can 180 this with patience and validation. The sex part sounds like she is trying to cut you. She wants a D is sleeping with another man but yet still has sex with you even though it's not satisfying. Sounds logical.

Sex is pretty satisfying to her right now. But there have been many years of poor sex because of certain problems with me (don't want to TMI here). Suffice to say that currently I am as good as I was in college . Is this whole thing logical - it's not! Should I tell her something like "I think we should stop having sex"? What if she asks "Why?" in response?

She said that to me directly as she is sure that I am the cause of all fights (which is quite inaccurate, although I admit that many fights were because I ran my mouth). Otoh I distinctly remember that she would get really mean and then even though I would try very hard to avoid the fight from escalating she would deliberately come at me again and again and finally break me.

So learning to control your emotions should be on your 180 list.

Yes, working hard on that. Trying to slow-mo my interactions. Seems to be working. Need to sustain that.

I have strong family values but I understand that yelling is not consistent with maintaining a family.

But yet apparently you do because you can't control your emotions.

Very true. I would go into a mental spiral of repeatedly asking why is this happening, please stop, please stop. I now realize that it was a terrible type of weakness. I wonder how other people have controlled these situations? I am trying to slow-mo and detach, basically be in the moment yet see it from outside to inside. Also accept that it is happening.

Regarding the D bomb, I am certain that she has not thought about her son at all. She said that she cannot sacrifice her life for him. Her family has got involved and they think similarly. I am devoted to my child otoh. How do I make her be more considerate about our son and the effect of divorce on him?

Peter you can't make her do anything. She knows a D will affect your son. Right now she doesn't care.

Ok point taken. I hope she feels the weight of responsibility at some point through self-analysis. I am not going to hold my breath for that though.

What should I do about her affair? She has been thinking of living separately - should I object to it?

I am getting a sense you are a control freak. You will soon learn the only person you can control is yourself. The quicker you learn the better you will do at DBing.

"... the only person you can control is yourself" - I have learnt that to a good extent and that has helped me tremendously. Actually, it led me to implement the '180' approach. But I can't say the learning is perfect. I feared that without having to deal with a family environment, she might drift even further. But I suppose it can have the opposite effect too.

Good thing is that I am able to respond quickly to the helpful comments in this thread. So I will get this fear out of my head.

If you know she is having sex with someone else you should not be having sex with her right now. Have you been tested for STDs?

No testing yet but I have not felt anything. OM is long distance, so she is not having physical contact right now. The EA is on however - I know because of her secretive behavior over phone.

She has mentioned some of the things her friends, and counselor have told her about me and I found those downright evil of them as they have never met me. What should I tell her about her continuing discussions with them? I know that everytime she discuss with them it sets us back by miles.

You can't control her Peter.

Sounds good. First 3 weeks I did bring up her IC and friends. I have not since then. Her mom is running her mouth too and has selectively revealed stuff to a few gossipy people who are close to my parents. But I just ignore all this and not bring it up with her. Probably not give any importance to it in my mind either?