Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[LH19]

Thanks LH19. Basically you are saying that I should just let her vent even if a lot of it is very inaccurate.

I always say don't validate BS behavior like if she says you caused her to have an affair. But if you treated her bad (which I am sure at some point you did) then just respond with "I understand how that may have hurt you".

Is there anything I should be explaining to her at all?

Nope. Waste of time and energy.

Bad behavior: Yelling at her, getting annoyed over 'simple things' (simple according to her), not able to share things with me fearing that I will get annoyed, not satisfying her sexually.

Is this true? So you can 180 this with patience and validation. The sex part sounds like she is trying to cut you. She wants a D is sleeping with another man but yet still has sex with you even though it's not satisfying. Sounds logical.

Not able to share is a mutual problem. I could not share much with her about problems because she would either dismiss it or turn it into a fight. She kept detailed notes of fights but my own pain during those fights is not something she thinks is worth considering.

Detailed notes of fights. I have never heard of that before.

She said that to me directly as she is sure that I am the cause of all fights (which is quite inaccurate, although I admit that many fights were because I ran my mouth). Otoh I distinctly remember that she would get really mean and then even though I would try very hard to avoid the fight from escalating she would deliberately come at me again and again and finally break me.

So learning to control your emotions should be on your 180 list.

I have strong family values but I understand that yelling is not consistent with maintaining a family.

But yet apparently you do because you can't control your emotions.

Regarding the D bomb, I am certain that she has not thought about her son at all. She said that she cannot sacrifice her life for him. Her family has got involved and they think similarly. I am devoted to my child otoh. How do I make her be more considerate about our son and the effect of divorce on him?

Peter you can't make her do anything. She knows a D will affect your son. Right now she doesn't care.

What should I do about her affair? She has been thinking of living separately - should I object to it?

I am getting a sense you are a control freak. You will soon learn the only person you can control is yourself. The quicker you learn the better you will do at DBing.

Hi @SteveLW, thanks for your answers. I'm assuming she has had sexual intercourse with him. I have never cheated on her. You are right that currently the affair changes nothing unless I feel I should dump her for that.

If you know she is having sex with someone else you should not be having sex with her right now. Have you been tested for STDs?

I sleep in a different room. We are having sex. She U turns around to her 'D' self during the day and keeps repeating that it won't work out.

She has to convince herself that getting a D is the right thing to do.

She has mentioned some of the things her friends, and counselor have told her about me and I found those downright evil of them as they have never met me. What should I tell her about her continuing discussions with them? I know that everytime she discuss with them it sets us back by miles.

You can't control her Peter.