Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[PeterB]

PeterB,

Sorry about your situation. Fortunately there are a lot of people on this board who have been through it and want to help.

You'll have already come through for me by responding. Thak you very much.

but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad.

Can you further explain her complaints about the way you treated her?

Please see my previous reply.

I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her.

How did she mentally torture you?

Almost nothing I do is good enough. Never notices what I do around the house. My guy friends actually remark that I do so much and hope that their own wives don't find out. Apparently they don't do even half of what I do. Furthermore, our child is special needs so all his therapy needs are handled by me, including analysis and implementation - that is a full time job. Often converts things to opposite of what really happened and complains to her family. Extreme denial of logic during fights and comes back to fight again and again, once she is offended.

But she is overflowing with bitterness

This is common. She's projecting all of her hurt and pain and unhappiness onto you. It doesn't mean it's accurate, but her feelings about it are real.

Nice way of putting it - feelings and perception are the only realities that matter I suppose.

and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.

It's also common WAS/WS will seek out people who validate their decisions (divorce, affairs...etc.) and reject those who question their decisions.

It is very likely that her counsellor and friend are validating or even encouraging the affair. How do I deal with this headwind?

A week is a quick turnaround. Most take longer (I certainly did). Keep it up.

Don't expect a quick turn around. Think a LONG time. Right now you're looking for any positive sign to validate your hopes, but often LBSs read too much into little exchanges or acts by the WAS/WS.

Thanks for the reality check. Any thoughts on what does it takes for a WAW to get over the affair drug? I should remind that the affair is long distance at this time.

Don't bank on her IC turning things around for you.

Hell no. He is making it worse for sure and will continue to do so.

That's great. Stay calm and strong. Keep it up! Don't engage her. If she does just stand back and listen and validate her and then leave the house and go to the gym or get drinks with a buddy or take a trail hike or go to the movies.

She has certainly noticed the changes. But soon her defense mechanisms kick in and she starts making excuses for the changes - according to her I am on various medications that have triggered and sustained my positive actions. She even tells me to stop trying so hard for her - now that is weird because clearly, I am not talking to her about any changes, I am just trying to GAL. Do you think she genuinely thinks I am trying to impress her or is it a defensive thought? I don't know what really works for WAW that makes them come back to the marriage.

You should consult a lawyer ASAP. It's important to understand what the custody & financial implications of a divorce are, should it go that route. Just a consult with one or maybe a few lawyers in your area. You don't have to pursue anything if you don't want to, but understanding the law and your rights will some clarity. Knowledge = power. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DID.

Thanks. I did read up quite a bit but will talk to a lawyer asap.