H had mentioned he might try to make it back in time to go with me to the gym. So I waited until around 6:30 before I decided I would just go by myself. I mean, it was the dentist, and if he hadn't called me at that point, he was probably hung up with something else. Part of my problem is, a lot of times, I used to just wait on my H. My life revolved too much around him. So, I decided I wanted to go then because I had stuff to do later. And I wanted to do weights instead of waiting for him another day because it would throw off my schedule for the week. Small 180, but a good one for me.
I missed him. It was strangely lonely doing weight training without him around. (Funny, since we've only done it a few times.) But it was still a decent workout, and definately needed. By the end, I was really wanting to cut out early so maybe I could see H sooner. But I kept telling myself I had no idea what his plans were, and I needed to quit hinging everything I did on what he does. Not healthy. So I did a complete workout.
I left the gym around 8:30pm, and of course H had called while I was working out. I must have just missed him, because his message said he was going to the gym alone. He emphasized alone...like it made him kind of sad. Also kind of amusing, now that I think about it, because roommate used to want H to train her at the gym. So I left him a message saying I was just returning his call, and would see him later.
H called me back less than 30 minutes later, said he was stressed out, couldn't do a workout. Apparantally, when he was driving roommate back from the dentist, she was calling all kinds of people to try to get money to get her prescription filled. They haven't paid the rent yet. (It's the 9th!) He was pretty convinced listening to her that she didn't have the money. He told me he couldn't finish his workout, was going to go tell her he needed the money for the rent tomorrow, that it would probably start an argument, and then he would be over at my place.
I was working on the stupid clogged toilet when H called me. (Personal ringtones.) I wanted to answer the phone pretty badly--I have a bad habit of jumping up whenever he calls--but...eeeewww, I was in the middle of plunging a toilet. And I had worked out at the gym...and I wanted to finish this and get a shower before I did anything else. So I just let it ring.
After I got out of the shower (I had almost thought he would be there by then) I checked my vmail. H just asked me to call him back. Although, looking at the time of the call, he should have been there any minute. I returned his call, but he must have been already talking with someone else, so I just let it go.
He came in just a few minutes later, looking pretty stressed. He asked if I was still hungry, and I said I didn't have time for the chicken wings, it was my bedtime. He said it would only take 10 minutes--and obviously he really wanted to do this for me. I wanted to go bed, but I told him to go ahead. He must have been really stressed out, because every time I tried to wander away (to get out of my robe, to finish drying my hair, to put in a DVD he had just asked me to put in) he would ask me to come back over and talk to him. I also think he was eager to show off his cooking technique. Clearly he was more than fishing for compliments here.
He told me he was frustrated with roommate, she had only ever paid him on time once--when she moved in. I validated, told him he could legally kick her out (her name's not on the lease), that she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. He had also gotten a landline for her to use in his name--apparantally, she didn't have the credit--and she hasn't paid that in two months. He said he was getting tired of her attitude, that he just wanted to tell her to get lost, and just drop her completely. He said it hurt him that the two people he had really liked (male and female work friends) just a few months ago had turned out to be not worth it. I told him I was sorry, that must hurt.
H also told me that roommate was getting weird on him. Hmmm...this sounds familiar...he described a certain "best friend" turned short-lived PA during first sep the same way when we reconciled that time. Matter of fact, pretty much every single thing he's said about roommate he said about that "best friend." Makes me nervous about what else he might have to tell me....but that's crazymaking. Gotta keep it out of my head.
So H told me about a couple of incidents he's witnessed about roommate just flying off the handle and going all crazy. One was last night, one the phone, while he was driving her home. Roommate had called her mom, and then the cell had some reception problems, and she made some comment about it being "stupid." Roommate's mom, clearly misunderstanding, said "You don't have to call me stupid." (The volume on the cell is pretty loud.) Well, roommate just flew off, starting sreaming and ranting. Really weirded H out.
Another one he told me about, a couple of months back, involved roommate and a male friend of hers. Roommate's male friend broke up with his gf, a bad break, I guess. So roommate called up male friend's x-gf (H was in the apartment when she made the call) and started making up lies, saying she had slept with the male friend on a certain day, and they had done all of this stuff. H is sure she was lieing--because he had been with her the entire time mentioned, so there was no way it had happened.
H told me he was concerned that she might do something to his stuff. I told H, if he was worried, he should just bring the cats over to my place the next day. He said he would most likely do that.
I knew this girl was a creep. I had a feeling about her from the beginning, some weird vibe. And it wasn't just because she was a female who liked hanging around my H. There are plenty of women I have no problem with. (Although I do have an admitted jealous streak.) But something about her just seemed wrong to me from the very beginning.
I'm beginning to notice that, a lot of times, the reason my H hangs out with people is because at that point, that person or crowd isn't being judgemental or critical in the slightest. I think that's what his stupid thing with roommate was all about--he told me once she had "completely accepted him." He pulls away from people when they get too judgemental (like he's pulled back from his family right now) and gets closer to them when they are more accepting of him (like he's getting closer to me since I've perfected my validating skills).
I can't wait until he's moved. This whole thing just reeks of some sort of weird psuedo-relationship breakup.
H asked me to lay on the couch with him while he watched TV. I used to fall asleep all the time on him, and he told me he missed this. It was late, waaay past my bedtime, but he looked like he really needed it, so I did. I remember drifting off, H watching Friends on DVD (yes, my H is a huge fan of Friends...), him reaching to touch my cheek. It was the episode where Ross and Rachel hook up (the first time ) in the museum. And it was making him feel pretty emotional, I think.
H's phone rang while we were watching TV. I told him he could go in the bedroom and close the door if he didn't want to go outside because it was humid. He said thanks, he appreciated my understanding about this. (I used to get irritated with him, pretty badly.) After he was done, he told me a friend needed an apartment, and he was considering letting the guy stay there, since it would help with the whole breaking the lease thing. (H is more forthcoming with his phone convos now that I offer to let him have his privacy...I don't think he even realizes he's doing this...)
Obviously, that's complicated. Roommate is already leaving. H wouldn't be staying there. He asked my opinion. I said I would be hesitant--asked him how well he knew the guy. He said fairly well, but he was more concerned with who else might live there or come over there. Especially since H wouldn't be there, and he's legally responsible for whatever happens. I told him there are very, very few people I would trust to do that. He seemed thoughtful, asked me if he should ask roommate. I told him that was a bad idea. I was thinking because she's already being forced out...sounds like a bad place to go with a convo with her. But what I really noticed how easily he agreed. How easy it was for me to steer him away from her. Kind of scary.
Much later, H was guiding me to the bedroom. Something akin to me sleepwalking. We used to go through this ritual all the time...me falling asleep on the couch to be close to him, and him putting me in bed. He laughed because I had set it up to sleep on the floor--my back was killing from the whole fixing the toilet thing, and my bed is just way too soft.
There are times I have managed to DB when I was half asleep. Usually this was when H called me, so I had to physically do something (answering the phone), which would, to some degree, wake me up. But I must have been, oh, 90% asleep. That state where you can hear what is going on around you, you can feel some sensation, but you're not exactly able to move/talk.
H was upset. I think his walls are crumbling, and that's why he has been so overly sensitive the last several days. I wish I could say I did a good job validating...but I was mostly asleep. But he was a wreck. Kept going on about how he couldn't believe how bad he had hurt me, how he couldn't believe this mess he was in. He kept saying the same basic thing, over and over--how he felt so bad for hurting me the way he did. I think I was saying "I understand" or "it's okay." Not the best responses...but hey...I was asleep.
Usually I just remind him of how bad he felt, that he was only trying to take care of himself, and that helps. Well, didn't manage that this time.
H said he was going to go to his place, pack all his stuff, borrow his brother's truck, and put it all in his mom's garage today until he could afford storage.
I think he came in and out of the room a few times before he left. I know he took a shower in there somewhere. I also think he may have laid down and taken a short nap with me before he left.
At one point, H had his head on my shoulder, and was massaging my back. He said something about he was pampering me because he wanted me to feel (emotionally) better. H also said he couldn't stop crying. Which...goes to show you how thoroughly gone I was, because I hadn't even noticed it. I remember thinking I told him it was okay, he just needed to get it all out, and he would feel better the next day. I hope I actually managed to say that.
I'm confused on when he actually did leave. I think he came back in again a few times. Not sure. Needless to say...man...did I have a hard time getting up this morning. Not good. I have a hard time waking up if I didn't have sufficient sleep--it's nearly impossible for me. I think I could use a good nap.
Weird pattern I've noticed with H. The nicer I am to him, the more insecure he gets--and, I think, the less worthy he feels of being with me. (He's alluded to that thought several times.) I had thought he was feeling a lot more self-confident in the last couple of years. Actually, I still think that's true. But I'm also fairly certain that this whole stress of us seperating/reconciling has eroded his sense of security with me. I know it has had the same effect on me.
Or...maybe...it's just that the nicer I am to him...the more he can let his guard down/open up/allow himself to feel all of those fears for the first time in a long time. That might actually makes more sense.
H had left that plastic bag with the female (roommate's, I think) shirt on my couch. Ick. I just left it there. Not sure why he took it out of the hamper, but he did. Maybe thought it was mine, I don't know.
I thought of a couple of other things once I did get up this morning. The sliding door to the W/D has, basically, busted. The first thought it my head was that it wasn't broken until H started spending the night--it must have been him pulling to hard or something on it. Then I caught myself. WTF??? What a stupid thing to be thinking! I realized I had done this a lot the last year. Hm. No wonder he wanted away from me. I'm so flippin' passive-agressive it's not funny. Got to watch myself with it...
I need to think of a way to get him more involved in picking up the little messes without being mean like I was before. I mean, he leaves stuff everywhere every time he comes over--dishes, flour from cooking, etc. And it just drives me batty. I feel like I'm constantly following him, picking up/straightening after him. I'm sure this is where a lot of my resentment comes from. I think maybe I need to be more clear on what I do and don't mind doing around the house. It might be that he really just doesn't know.
I'm going to try to call H later on, after I think he might be awake--maybe while I'm out on lunch. I want to tell him I miss him, make sure he's feeling better today.
) in the museum. And it was making him feel pretty emotional, I think.
