Quote:

I don't want to put too much pressure on him, but as we're getting more comfortable (and after he actually does move out of his apartment) I want to ask him to account for his time more.



Hmm...H must have read my mind...

H and I had gotten into a convo a few days back about how affairs start. I told him most are unintentional--usually with an opposite-gender friend or coworker. (He and roommate used to work together.) And that then the pair starts talking more and more, and then the spouse starts telling the friend about all the problems in the M or complaints about the other S. And, that brings about a sense of intimacy with the two, and the PA develops at some point down the road after an emotional connection has been established--usually with the spouse being baffled, thinking it "just happened," and not seeing the steps leading up to it. H was pretty quiet, then said "So that's why you were so worried about [roomate]."

I'm not sure if that's why, but lately, H has been making a point of telling me his whereabouts and what went on that day, and really explaining his interactions with roommate. I realize that, at this point, interactions are still necessary... I'm still uncomfortable with it, but he has told me nothing ever happened between them. And, again, this should all be over soon...

He called me at work to tell me he was driving roommate to the dentist, that she was getting her wisdom teeth pulled, and would be drugged. He was very, very quick to point out that she had called everyone else she knew and had waited until the last minute to ask him when there was no one else--and that it was kind of like not letting someone drive drunk. H said he knew I would be bothered, but he also thought that I, of course, wouldn't want anyone driving impaired. Which is all true... Of course I was bothered, but again, just being silly--he told me everything that was going to happen, was trying to reassure me, so why rant and rave? Doesn't help. She's going away soon, very soon. He's already trying to do what I asked him to.

He also apologized for not being able to cook me chicken like he had planned to. H had wanted to have it ready for me when I got home. (How sweet is that...? ) I told him it was okay. He sounded really bothered by it, but I told him it really was no big deal, I knew he didn't have time since he needed to leave to go get her. He sounded very relieved--like he was really bothered he wouldn't be able to cook for me. He did tell me he would try to come by later, and maybe cook me dinner.

I did notice that he kept referring to roommate as "someone," not using a gender or a name. I think he's doing this to placate me. It's weird, it kind of bugs me (maybe reminds me of how we allude to the woman he had PA with). But, then again, I do react more strongly when he calls her by name. I guess there really is no way for him to win. Probably he picked the lesser of two evils...

H also mentioned he had left me a message while I was away from my desk. I asked if it was sappy, and said "not realy"--sounded pretty hesitant. Told me he had flooded my toilet. Ah, well. My fault. I had a bad headache yesterday, and never got a plunger. I knew it was clogged. I told him it was no big deal, I wasn't mad or anything.

H had brought over laundry to do at my place, but didn't have time since he had to leave soon. So I offered to wash it for him. While I was sorting through the colors (okay, with H, it's piles of "black" and "gray" ), I ran across a female shirt in the mix. I only took a second look at it because I wasn't sure what it was, or I might have missed it altogether. It actually really bothered me. Of course, it belongs to roommate. He had just brought the hamper over, and I know he keeps it in the bathroom. But seeing was like a whole new pain. I just sort of stared at it on the floor for awhile. I couldn't bring myself to wash it. (I know, kind of petty.) I didn't want to just leave it in the hamper, and mix it with the clean clothes. So I finally put it in a plastic bag, and then put it back in the hamper.

My first instinct had actually been to call H and just call H and give him the third degree...but again, no point. This is one of the things that can be just let go. It's not something that, really, means anything. It's just bothersome because it's an in-the-face reminder that she's still there.

When I mentioned earlier that I was moving in 2 1/2 weeks to the new place, H said he was moving then, too (basically, end of the month). He said he was getting impatient for all of this to be over, and I said that I was too. I cannot wait for roommate to be gone...



I listened to the message after I got home. Poor guy actually sounded like he was going to cry at the end of it. He said he was sorry, hoped I wasn't mad, he had just been "stupid" and forgotten the toilet was blocked, there was water all over the floor, and hoped I forgave him. (Sheesh, it was a toilet, no big deal!) I left him a vmail in response, since I knew he was home eating, and told him it was okay, it was really my fault for not taking care of the toilet yesterday, of course I forgave him, and of course I wasn't mad at him.

Does it sound to anybody else like this guy is incredibly eager to please?? I had forgotten how sensitive to stuff like that he was during the first few stages of our R. I remember one time, he accidentally knocked over a small china lamp my late grandmother had given me, and he was reduced to complete tears.

Over the last year, I've just been so grumpy...I think it was a combination of the fact that I couldn't find a job after I graduated, and that I was continually having my sleep interrupted by him coming home in the middle of the night from work. I didn't realize that I was taking it on him--it certainly was unintentional. This is just another example of how H's prick (=defensive) side comes out when he feels attacked.

I see it with his family--they can't understand why he doesn't want to be around them sometimes. But when they're too ctritical, push too hard...H backs off. I'm almost beginning to think there's still some hurt child hiding inside of my H, and that kid is still running away from anything that he sees as attacking him.

This also got me to thinking of something H said a few months back. Right after his brother's got back from Kuwait, and he was felling really shut out because they were mad at him over the whole sitch with me. I was just sitting at the table listening to him, and he was outside stress-smoking. He told me that that was always one of the things he loved about me--how I would just listen to him. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but I'm really seeing the relevance of it now. I think over the last few months, forcing myself to go back to just validating and listening, I was (without realizing it) changing myself back toward the person he fell in love with.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]