I've been distracted having fun with H the last week... I've also been trying to sort of wean myself off of the board--I was spending 8-10 hours a day on here.

Saturday was a minor hiccup, but I put it off to H not having had enough sleep. No big deal, he's always cranky when he didn't get enough sleep. Although he pulled the "girl" thing on me--said if I didn't know what I had done to upset him, then there was nothing I could do to fix it. After I did get it out of him--that he always bends over backwards for me, nearly kills himself to spend time with me, drives way out of his way to be with me, etc. (LL = acts of service)--he finally calmed down and admitted he was just cranky because he was sleepy.

Sunday I didn't get to see him, he didn't get a chance to come over, and spent the day with a friend of his. We talked a couple of times, but he didn't answer when I called to tell him goodnight.

H called me as soon as he woke up today. (12:30) Started to apologize and explain why he hadn't called me, but I told him it was okay, it didn't matter. We talked for a bit, he offered to come see me for lunch. I told him it would be too late by the time he got there, and I didn't have money anyway (too many bills coming up with the impending move). So I offered to go over and see him. He was iffy, and I asked if he didn't want me over at the apartment. (I didn't know if roommate was there.) I finally said I would just be over there in about 20 minutes.

It felt really, really weird being there. I was uncomfortable even walking up to the place. So I should have known that I was setting myself up to be upset. Being in the place was weird. It was nice to see the cats, though. I missed them. H said he wanted me to go ahead and take them to my place sometime this week. He was also asking me what stuff I wanted to take to my new apartment. I'm pretty casual about the whole thing, and he's wanting to nail it down. Probably I should just give in and be concrete with him--he hates it when I'm indecisive.

Being there felt weird. It felt like I should have been home, but it also felt very alien. Then I saw he had a picture of roommate frame, sitting on top of his computer. I got pretty irritated--it was in a picture frame that was mine. It made me so mad. I snapped about it, said something about him taking out my picture to put her in there. He said he didn't take it out, just covered it up, and he picked one that he knew wasn't as important to me and was kind of a bad picture anyway. I said I didn't see one of me, and he said it was there, just buried under stuff. (This bugged me, but I didn't say anything.) He then proceeded to remove the picture of roommate, and hand me back the frame (he was collecting stuff for me to take with me, anyway.)

A few minutes later H asked if I was afraid to get mad at him now. I said no. I was actually a little confused by the question. I didn't figure out until much later, that he probably meant about that picture of roommate. Although, there was no pointing in getting really, truly mad about it. H is moving out. H is going to cut off contact with her. She's going away. What purpose is there in getting mad? There isn't. I am upset, but more hurt--sort of makes me think they were closer than I would like, if he keeps a framed picture of her. But it's very soon to be in the past, why keep dragging around baggage I don't need?

He also collected other pictures of us, had had them in a box in storage. This kind of irritated me, that they were stuffed away, but I didn't think too much of it, he may have just done it recently anyway.

H seemed pretty distracted. He obviously had just gotten up, hadn't showered or anything. Which was okay with me. He kept apologizing for the mess--but I told him I had lived with him for years, I knew how it was. He said it was usually clean and neat. (Not that I would know.)

He helped carry the box of stuff down to my car. I asked him if anything was wrong--said he seemed distant. He said he was just feeling pathetic (translation: inside joke/reference for meaning he really, really missed me and was feeling emotionally needy). He gave me a big hug, and I headed back to work.

On the drive back (I was only there for 20 minutes), I was feeling pretty weirded out by the whole thing. There's so much wrapped up in that apartment for me, emotionally. And I felt kind of brushed off--I had gone to all of this effort to see him, way out of my way, and he didn't seem appreciative. Then it was like thoink! on the head. I was intentionally doing the sort of thing H did so that I would be speaking to his LL, and then I felt brushed off--and I wondered if that's how H felt all of the time with me. Good insight...

I also realized that it's not up to him to make me happy or feel okay. Sure, he can be supportive (and he was), but in the end, how I feel is up to me. Yeah, the whole apartment visit was weird, but that's because I walked in there already feeling funny, so my expectations were in the wrong place.

I called H after I got off of work, said I just missed him. We both kept getting phone calls, so we kept having to hang up/call each other again. Phone tag! But I wasn't upset, which was good for me...

H did say that he was really glad I had come to see him. (Guess I just needed to not be so impatient. ) I told him I had felt really funny being in there. He said he could understand, and asked me why. I said it was a lot of things, but it didn't matter. He said it felt right seeing me there, that he wished things hadn't happened the way they did, if he had just gone to his mom's all of this wouldn't be going on now. He also said to remind him, if there ever was a "next time" to just stay at his mom's for awhile. (Does that strike anyone else as funny?? ) I told him it didn't matter, we'd both learned, at I wasn't mad anymore. It just still hurt sometimes. He said "as long as you don't hold it against me." I asked if he thought I had done that, and he said no.

He said he would try to come see me, but that he also wanted to get lots of packing done tonight. Said if he came, it might be just to spend the night. I hope he does drop by, but I understand if he doesn't.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]