Nevanna, why do you get so freaked out about spotting H?
Do you guys go to a hardcore gym, or a Ballys type place?
I grew up lifting so it's natural to me. But maybe if you went to a local college and watched the football players spot each other it would help you. Just shout at him "you can do it, come on, keep going, don't wimp out"
Basically, spotting is easy, it the encouragement that gets me. As long as you don't take the weight away from H, you're fine.
I called H this morning after I left for work. Just to say ILY. I was still really missing him, so on lunch I left another saying "I guess I'm just really missing you, called to say ILY again."
H called me around 1:30. We chatted for awhile. Told him I was sorry I had been so cranky, he said that yes I had been. (Somebody should tell him that's bad DB. ) Said he had some interesting news, and asked if I wanted to hear. (This is like him warning me I'm about to walk into a mine field.) I said of course I did. He said roommate had found a place to go. She was going to move in with her sister for a month or so, and then move to another city a couple of hours away to live with a different city. He said I know you're happy about that. I said, "Am I supposed to answer that? Either way I lose!" (Since he hates it when I'm not honest how I feel.) He said he knew me, that I was happy. So I said that yes, I was. (What else could I say?) He said he knew that, and he sounded a little bitter.
He asked if I still wanted to go the gym. I said of course. He said he needed to eat. I said I didn't have money. Then I thought about it, said I would buy us something cheap, since he's going to give me cash after he works tonight. I told him to think about a place to eat, that was cheap, and we'd go there.
I told him I needed to go, I needed to think about something at work. He asked if I was mad, and I said no. He said as long as I wasn't hanging up with him because I was mad. I said of course not, I just needed to concentrate more. We said ILY, and then hung up.
I realized there's no way for me to be okay about a lot of people he already knows because I've built up too much resentment about some of them. Which makes me feel lousy. He seems to feel like he has to cut them out of his life to appease me. Which is the ultimate in controlling behavior, even though I have not asked him to do this. So...I think I'm going to have a new approach! I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall over some of these people. I'm just going to admit to myself I don't like them, there's no good reason for this, and I really do want H to not hang around them, and then be done with thinking about that group of people. And, anybody knew he meets, I'm going to make sure and keep an open mind, be friendly, and try to move forward. H cycles through friends (at least, what most of us would consider acquaintances) pretty regularly. It's not a perfect solution...but maybe it'll be easier for me to "start fresh" with new people, to keep an open mind, instead of trying to change my thoroughly ingrained and preexisting impressions.
Quote: why do you get so freaked out about spotting H?
I am shy to, probably, almost the point of social phobia. I have a hard time speaking up around people. It's annoying, it's unpredictable, and it's something I've been fighting with for years. I have no idea why some things bother me more than others.
We both belong to Bally. There were a couple of times I got panicked just walking upstairs and the place was full of people. And I mean serious panic--to the point of near hyperventillation. Very annoying.
H wants to go again tonight--and I do, too--so I'm going to stick with has worked in the past. I am going to envision myself having a good time, and actually encouraging H like he wants me to do. I am going to go in with the attitude that I am going to have a great time and a great workout. Hmm...even outlining this is beginning to make me smile.
Focussing on the why it bothers me only seems to make it worse (because then I'm still thinking about the feelings associated). So I'm not gonna do that. I think I'll give H a few tips on things what, although they wouldn't seem like it, focus my attention back to on those uncomfortable feelings.
Does that make any sense?? I guess it doesn't matter. As long as it works.
Focussing on how I'm going to have a good time later...
No, makes sense. I am 32 and have been lifting since I was 15 - more than 1/2 my life. It was hard in the beginning for me to spot in public also. I'm shy, or at least I was until I found my "public" persona - which I located after conveniently becoming a waitress who was either outgoing or starved and homeless.
Anyway, how about looking in your local penny saver and buying some weights -then get a bit bigger apt with a spare room for your very own gym?
Just trying to come up with something. Seems like a great place to bomd for you guys. Like my H with his kenpo that he teaches. He's teaching me, I've always wanted to learn karate, but I am so shy to take class with his other students. It annoys him, but I feel so clumbsy. I'm trying to get over my shyness. It's turning out to be a great bonding place, in his dojo.
No money for a bigger apartment. I'm actually downsizing from a two bedroom to a one. We used the spare room for all the computer stuff--three machines between the two of us. I'm a bit of a technophile.
We were both feeling really run down (I must have given him my cold) and he has to go into work early tonight, so it wasn't a full workout. Better than nothing, though.
So how long have you studied kenpo? My H and met in Tae Kwon Do. He says I busted his jaw. I have no idea, whatever happened that day didn't stick in my mind. When I started, I was so horrible...man...talk about lack of coordination. I'm pretty decent now.
More interesting conversation with H today...I'll have to post the details later.
A couple of things have helped with my shyness. First, I took a job working helpdesk while I was still in college. Lots and lots of answering questions, and long Saturday nights where it was just I and another consultant for hours at a time. So plenty of time to get used to talking. Then, on my previous job, I was made a team lead. So not only did I have to talk to people...that's all I did all day. And then I worked as training supervisor, so I had to teach people on top of that. That helped immensely.
In all honesty, the majority of my shyness and panic attacks are gone. They are much farther apart now, and I can generally keep from letting one completely ruin my day (ie, a complete and total breakdown). But I'd like to reduce that flighty feeling to just mild butterflies.
I hope you have a good night. I am sooo tired, and plan on curling up with a good video game right now. Too tired to do much else.
Friday was interesting. He could hardly wait to see me. Called me while he was driving over. H told me that he couldn't wait to be together all of the time again. The way he said it, it almost sounded like this was going to happen soon--say, after the move next month. Even though I know he intends to officially live at his mom's. I still think part of that may be because he knows she needs the money...
He also asked me to add his car to my insurance. (Yes, he's been driving without it for months.) I said I would, but I had to have money from him, or I couldn't afford it. I know H means well, but he doesn't always have money to give. He said he would have less expenses living with her, so he would try to give me an "allowance" every month to contribue to his part of the bills still in my name.
Then he mentioned he had a problem. And I could tell it really ticked him off. He said he was having trouble getting out of his lease, that they wanted two months rent and 30 days notice. H doesn't have that kind of money, let alone in one lump sum. My first instinct was to say "I can put in on a credit card"--but I stopped myself. Total 180. That's part of the reason I'm in the debt I am, bailing him out of different situations. That's not to say I regret, say, paying off of his car. But this really is one mess he needs to take care of on his own.
He said he couldn't believe he'd put himself in this situation. He didn't understand how he got into these messes. I just listened, validated that his intentions had been good. H told me that he just wanted us to be together. I said that we were. He said he meant all the time--I guess he'd meant physically, as opposed to an R.
He also said part of our problem was we had just assumed after I graduated (year and a half ago) I would have a stable, good-paying job, and we hadn't been prepared at all for what happened. The plan had always been, at that point I would support us, and he would go to school. Obviously that didn't happen. He said he was a little bitter, although not at me. I said it made sense, I had only based that assumption on the fact that, oh, everyone I knew who graduated had a job 6 months in advance, and I hadn't planned on the economy completely crashing. Ooops.
H said he was hungry, he needed to eat before we went to the gym. I offered to buy. We couldn't agree on one place, so I suggested we just go to two different places and get carryout for home. This seemed like a good idea.
We went to get my food first, then I realized there wasn't a bank nearby so I could get cash for his fast food. He insisted that he just order where I wanted to, even though I told him it was okay. I think he didn't want to inconvenience me too much. But it worked out okay.
We were both still feeling run-down by the time we got to the gym, so only did the second half of the workout that had been cut short earlier in the week. He had to leave anyway to be at work early. So he just dropped me off at home.
He called me not too long after he drove off. (Does he miss being around me or what?? Okay, I'm the same way...) We just chit-chatted until he had to go.
H called me after he got off of work yesterday morning, said he missed me really badly. Asked me to have breakfast with him. I said I would, if I could wake up enough. He finally said we would just go through McD's drive through, so I just wandered outside in my pajamas with a sweatshirt and sandals. Not kidding.
I was pretty sleepy, kind of leaned over on him. He told me how much he had missed me, how much he missed having breakfast with me he got out of work. I joked that I looked like crap (curly hair first thing in the morning...not good), and he said he didn't care.
After we left, he said he felt more like IHOP. I said I didn't want to go in since I didn't have a bra on or my contacts. He asked me again, said he just wanted a sit down breakfast. I said if I could go put some clothes on, that would be fine, but I hate going into a place if I can't see. (I am incredibly near-sighted.) I think he felt kind of bad for me, since I was pretty much asleep, and said McD's would be fine.
During the drive, H was talking about people who come into the club. He said he didn't think very many people have love like we do, since they seem to give up on it so easy. He told me how people tell him all the time, "Yeah I love him/her, but..." and then say how they left, and don't want to work through their problems. I didn't point out H has left twice now. But he came back both times. Somehow, even though he left me, it never felt like he was ever able to completely emotionally disconnect. So, even though we "broke-up," his heart still didn't feel that way. Which is why I understand what he was really trying to say.
We got pancakes, and ate them back at my place. He said he would need a short nap before he could drive home. So we curled up in bed. That was very nice. I went back to sleep pretty quickly. H slept maybe a couple of hours, then said he needed to get home. (He absolutely can't sleep on my bed...just too soft.) I barely noticed that he left.
I woke up a few minutes later. I hate waking up and him being gone. So I called him. He laughed, called me a sap, and I told him he had no room to talk. We didn't talk too long.
I stayed up. Felt pretty lonely. Wound up playing more video games. I wasn't terribly motivated to do much, since I still wasn't feeling well. I decided I needed to get active, to feel better, so I drug myself to the gym. That helped some. After I got home, I called a friend to see if she wanted to eat, but she wasn't in. I called H, but he said he was already cooking. We didn't talk long. So I gave up and ate at home.
A few hours later, H called me. Said he missed me. That he couldn't wait to be with me, and he just wanted to talk with me a bit before he took a nap to go to work. We wound up getting into a psuedo-argument. About how H thinks he moved everything all by himself into our last apartment, and I just gave up and quit trying. I told him I was tired because I worked all day, and then was moving at night, and I did this for several days. He said he always pushes himself to the breaking point, and he expects everyone else to do this to, and he felt like I just gave up. I told him I was different, I couldn't keep up with him. He said he never expected me to. I said I just didn't complain, until I got so wore out, all I did was just fall over.
Clearly, we go in circles. I haven't figured out a good, different, response yet. But he lost signal, so that ended that convo, and when he called back, I didn't bring it up.
Played more video games. (Like I said, I've been sick. ) BIL1 called, and asked if I could watch two of his kids on Sunday. I said sure, I didn't mind. H called a few minutes later. I guess BIL1 had called him first, and then H told him to call me. I told H I didn't mind watching the girls, and H said he hoped not. He also told me that his family really loves me. That made me feel good.
After I hung up with H, BIL2 called. (Gee, I was popular last night. ) He wanted to know if I wanted to go out with him and some of his friends. I really did, but I wasn't feeling well, so drinking didn't sound like too much fun, especially since I had agreed to watch the girls early Sunday morning. So I wound up thanking him but urning him down, and went to bed shortly after that. (10pm on a Saturday...man I must be feeling sick. )
I missed your thread popping up in newcomers, so I had to hunt you down over here with the other graduates. It looks like you're continuing your good progress here. Keep taking good care of yourself and remember the basics (like eating and sleeping!)
I've been distracted having fun with H the last week... I've also been trying to sort of wean myself off of the board--I was spending 8-10 hours a day on here.
Saturday was a minor hiccup, but I put it off to H not having had enough sleep. No big deal, he's always cranky when he didn't get enough sleep. Although he pulled the "girl" thing on me--said if I didn't know what I had done to upset him, then there was nothing I could do to fix it. After I did get it out of him--that he always bends over backwards for me, nearly kills himself to spend time with me, drives way out of his way to be with me, etc. (LL = acts of service)--he finally calmed down and admitted he was just cranky because he was sleepy.
Sunday I didn't get to see him, he didn't get a chance to come over, and spent the day with a friend of his. We talked a couple of times, but he didn't answer when I called to tell him goodnight.
H called me as soon as he woke up today. (12:30) Started to apologize and explain why he hadn't called me, but I told him it was okay, it didn't matter. We talked for a bit, he offered to come see me for lunch. I told him it would be too late by the time he got there, and I didn't have money anyway (too many bills coming up with the impending move). So I offered to go over and see him. He was iffy, and I asked if he didn't want me over at the apartment. (I didn't know if roommate was there.) I finally said I would just be over there in about 20 minutes.
It felt really, really weird being there. I was uncomfortable even walking up to the place. So I should have known that I was setting myself up to be upset. Being in the place was weird. It was nice to see the cats, though. I missed them. H said he wanted me to go ahead and take them to my place sometime this week. He was also asking me what stuff I wanted to take to my new apartment. I'm pretty casual about the whole thing, and he's wanting to nail it down. Probably I should just give in and be concrete with him--he hates it when I'm indecisive.
Being there felt weird. It felt like I should have been home, but it also felt very alien. Then I saw he had a picture of roommate frame, sitting on top of his computer. I got pretty irritated--it was in a picture frame that was mine. It made me so mad. I snapped about it, said something about him taking out my picture to put her in there. He said he didn't take it out, just covered it up, and he picked one that he knew wasn't as important to me and was kind of a bad picture anyway. I said I didn't see one of me, and he said it was there, just buried under stuff. (This bugged me, but I didn't say anything.) He then proceeded to remove the picture of roommate, and hand me back the frame (he was collecting stuff for me to take with me, anyway.)
A few minutes later H asked if I was afraid to get mad at him now. I said no. I was actually a little confused by the question. I didn't figure out until much later, that he probably meant about that picture of roommate. Although, there was no pointing in getting really, truly mad about it. H is moving out. H is going to cut off contact with her. She's going away. What purpose is there in getting mad? There isn't. I am upset, but more hurt--sort of makes me think they were closer than I would like, if he keeps a framed picture of her. But it's very soon to be in the past, why keep dragging around baggage I don't need?
He also collected other pictures of us, had had them in a box in storage. This kind of irritated me, that they were stuffed away, but I didn't think too much of it, he may have just done it recently anyway.
H seemed pretty distracted. He obviously had just gotten up, hadn't showered or anything. Which was okay with me. He kept apologizing for the mess--but I told him I had lived with him for years, I knew how it was. He said it was usually clean and neat. (Not that I would know.)
He helped carry the box of stuff down to my car. I asked him if anything was wrong--said he seemed distant. He said he was just feeling pathetic (translation: inside joke/reference for meaning he really, really missed me and was feeling emotionally needy). He gave me a big hug, and I headed back to work.
On the drive back (I was only there for 20 minutes), I was feeling pretty weirded out by the whole thing. There's so much wrapped up in that apartment for me, emotionally. And I felt kind of brushed off--I had gone to all of this effort to see him, way out of my way, and he didn't seem appreciative. Then it was like thoink! on the head. I was intentionally doing the sort of thing H did so that I would be speaking to his LL, and then I felt brushed off--and I wondered if that's how H felt all of the time with me. Good insight...
I also realized that it's not up to him to make me happy or feel okay. Sure, he can be supportive (and he was), but in the end, how I feel is up to me. Yeah, the whole apartment visit was weird, but that's because I walked in there already feeling funny, so my expectations were in the wrong place.
I called H after I got off of work, said I just missed him. We both kept getting phone calls, so we kept having to hang up/call each other again. Phone tag! But I wasn't upset, which was good for me...
H did say that he was really glad I had come to see him. (Guess I just needed to not be so impatient. ) I told him I had felt really funny being in there. He said he could understand, and asked me why. I said it was a lot of things, but it didn't matter. He said it felt right seeing me there, that he wished things hadn't happened the way they did, if he had just gone to his mom's all of this wouldn't be going on now. He also said to remind him, if there ever was a "next time" to just stay at his mom's for awhile. (Does that strike anyone else as funny?? ) I told him it didn't matter, we'd both learned, at I wasn't mad anymore. It just still hurt sometimes. He said "as long as you don't hold it against me." I asked if he thought I had done that, and he said no.
He said he would try to come see me, but that he also wanted to get lots of packing done tonight. Said if he came, it might be just to spend the night. I hope he does drop by, but I understand if he doesn't.
Quote: butterfly2000: We think we just heard the mate that we once trashed say, 'You are welcomed here.' (Your home will never look better than on that day.)
Found this on another thread, and I thought it was good food for thought...
H did come over last night. Okay, well, at 4am. "Night" for him, anyway. It's kind of hard to get out of bed and go to work the next morning when your spouse rarely spends the night...feels too good in the morning. He was asking me to take off of work, but now is really not a good time.
H was really apologetic last night. I just made sure to validate. I didn't do that before, after first sep, and I think it was a mistake. Unfortunately, he was apologizing for the part that doesn't really bother me that much anymore. Which was the whole fiasco of how I got kicked out of the apartment, and how incredibly terrible he was to me that whole time. I'm still much more bothered by his roommate (still hate her) and by the (brief) PA he had during our first sep. It probably doesn't help that I told him I was over that second one. And, oddly, at that point I really had let go. Just a case in point of how reconciliation can bring up old feelings unexpectedly.
I guess my biggest concern is that...well...he said/did all of these exact same things when he came back six months ago. But what does make me feel better--is that I'm reacting different. And we both have actually changed this time. We've talked some that the first sep, as horrible as it was, just didn't last long enough. That we didn't really resolve what needed resolved.
I don't want to put too much pressure on him, but as we're getting more comfortable (and after he actually does move out of his apartment) I want to ask him to account for his time more. Okay, maybe "account" is too hard of a word. I'm not wracked with worry all the time when I'm not with him, but I think what will help me along in this process is if he is willing to put some more effort into helping me regain my trust. Not that he's doing a bad job--the apologies and attention and sympathy have done wonders!--but I have learned that information puts my mind more at ease. I think before I was too accusatory, and that made him defensive, which got my mind wondering why he was being so defensive. (D'oh!) But I have a much better grip on myself this time.
I was still really missing him, so on lunch I left another saying "I guess I'm just really missing you, called to say ILY again."
) Said he had some interesting news, and asked if I wanted to hear. (This is like him warning me I'm about to walk into a mine field.) I said of course I did. He said roommate had found a place to go. She was going to move in with her sister for a month or so, and then move to another city a couple of hours away to live with a different city. He said I know you're happy about that. I said, "Am I supposed to answer that? Either way I lose!" (Since he hates it when I'm not honest how I feel.) He said he knew me, that I was happy. So I said that yes, I was. (What else could I say?) He said he knew that, and he sounded a little bitter.
So...I think I'm going to have a new approach! I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall over some of these people. I'm just going to admit to myself I don't like them, there's no good reason for this, and I really do want H to not hang around them, and then be done with thinking about that group of people. And, anybody knew he meets, I'm going to make sure and keep an open mind, be friendly, and try to move forward. H cycles through friends (at least, what most of us would consider acquaintances) pretty regularly. It's not a perfect solution...but maybe it'll be easier for me to "start fresh" with new people, to keep an open mind, instead of trying to change my thoroughly ingrained and preexisting impressions. 
But he came back both times. 
I'm still much more bothered by his roommate (still hate her) and by the (brief) PA he had during our first sep. It probably doesn't help that I told him I was over that second one. 
And, oddly, at that point I really had let go. Just a case in point of how reconciliation can bring up old feelings unexpectedly.