Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out

[BL42]

PeterB,

Sorry about your situation. Fortunately there are a lot of people on this board who have been through it and want to help.

but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad.

Can you further explain her complaints about the way you treated her?

I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her.

How did she mentally torture you?

But she is overflowing with bitterness

This is common. She's projecting all of her hurt and pain and unhappiness onto you. It doesn't mean it's accurate, but her feelings about it are real.

and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.

It's also common WAS/WS will seek out people who validate their decisions (divorce, affairs...etc.) and reject those who question their decisions.

I pleaded for a week after which I turned a corner. I focused on improving myself and tried to follow LRT.

A week is a quick turnaround. Most take longer (I certainly did). Keep it up.

It seems to have had positive effects on her but she keeps relapsing, usually referencing back to detailed highly one-sided diary entries.

Don't expect a quick turn around. Think a LONG time. Right now you're looking for any positive sign to validate your hopes, but often LBSs read too much into little exchanges or acts by the WAS/WS.

I strongly feel she talks to the counsellor only as a defense mechanism against the positive influences I have introduced for our relationship

Don't bank on her IC turning things around for you.

She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent.

I'm sorry to say this, because I know you don't want to hear it, but it's almost certainly a physical affair and they've done much more than think. It's awful, I know, but that's reality.

I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up. I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.

As impossibly difficult as it is (trust me, I know) try to completely ignore the OM and the affair and start pulling away from her and making positive changes to your life. Go to the gym every day and lift weights to get the anger out.

She has been highly provocative but I have maintained calm and do not get angry.

That's great. Stay calm and strong. Keep it up! Don't engage her. If she does just stand back and listen and validate her and then leave the house and go to the gym or get drinks with a buddy or take a trail hike or go to the movies.

PeterB - Unfortunately with a physical affair it's going to be impossible for you to logically change her might, so don't try. She's addicted to this guy like he's a drug and you are the person keeping her away from her fix (hence the bitterness). Sorry man.

You should consult a lawyer ASAP. It's important to understand what the custody & financial implications of a divorce are, should it go that route. Just a consult with one or maybe a few lawyers in your area. You don't have to pursue anything if you don't want to, but understanding the law and your rights will some clarity. Knowledge = power. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DID.