We are in our 30s, have been married for 10 years and have a 3 year old son. We share life goals and have had great moments throughout our marriage but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad. I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her. Sex has not been great because of some problems I have had personally. I have had mental health problems (sporadic depression) for the last 5 years. I feel I have come out of it now.
Two months ago wife said she is getting a divorce. She has not filed yet and we are living in the same house. But she is overflowing with bitterness and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.
I pleaded for a week after which I turned a corner. I focused on improving myself and tried to follow LRT. It seems to have had positive effects on her but she keeps relapsing, usually referencing back to detailed highly one-sided diary entries. She wrote the entries during major fights/disagreements and she has kept the diary secret from me all these years. I strongly feel she talks to the counsellor only as a defense mechanism against the positive influences I have introduced for our relationship (If it helps - she is a very pretty woman and the counsellor is an older male. Knowing the way she interacts, I am confident that he is under her full control).
She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent. I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up. I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.
I strongly feel she is having a severe mid-life crises, as she keeps telling me that I wasted her life and now needs to make up for it.
I wanted some advice on how to deal with certain situations that I land up in. She has been highly provocative but I have maintained calm and do not get angry. But the accusations are usually preposterous and situations hard to handle.
- What should I do if she sends me these long messages calling out specific incidents from the past? - What should I do if she messages me telling me how I have treated her bad all these years and why it's clear to her that I never loved her. - When she says that she cannot get over the past. - When she says that my changes are an act meant to prevent the divorce.
Peter, sorry you find yourself here, both I'm your situation and on this forum. It is a rough place to be, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. But know many of us know your pain.
I believe all of your questions can be answered by two ways. First, if you are trying to go LTR, then you should not respond to those long messages. At all. Not even an ok. Only answer direct questions, in your own time not right away, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions her yes or no answers.
When she says the last two, you listen and validate. Then end the discussion because you are busy. Please read the validation thread, the change in the dynamics of your situation that validating can have is profound.
So that's it. Only avatar l answer messages that are questions. In person, listen and validate.
Now as far as the affair. Your mind will trick you into believing its less than it is. But if they've been seen out together you can bet that privately things have already gone really far. I think you get the drift. But the good news is that it changes nothing you should be doing: GAL, self-improving, and emotionally detaching.
What are your current sleeping arrangements?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
