Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, Affairs OW continued

[Kind18]

My Mum said something along the same lines too, but rather from her perspective. It was something along the lines of 'I (Mum) have made a lot of sacrifices, care and love to get you (Me) to where you are in life, and it's a waste of your head space to be worrying for someone who cannot treat your (my) life with at least as much love and respect.' She may sound a little selfish, but I think she has a point.

You know Ann, some things add value and happiness and enrichment to our lives … and some things keep taking it away. “Detachment” all boils down to deciding where you want to invest.

Your Mum is right.

[DejaVu6]

I think your mom is EXACTLY right AnnKay. (((HUGS)))

[BL42]

AnnKay,

It's obvious that it has been difficult for him. He looks so much more skinny and generally unhealthy, but it is his decision. I understand and accept there is nothing I can do to change anything here.

As we say around here "not your monkeys, not your circus". That's his deal now. You just focus on your and the kids.

Sorry to hear about this, BL42. It must have been a horrible thing to go through especially when you had to care for your little ones too. How awful that ExW started dating OM2 after the first affair. After she was found out, did you both ever try reconciling?

Thanks. It was certainly an awful period of my life. To answer your question I naively offered to R in an attempt to keep our family together, did everything I could to make that happen, didn't want the kids to go through life in a "broken" family, but it didn't matter what I said or did - I later found out she had OM2 before she even moved out - she was off to the races.

I (Mum) have made a lot of sacrifices, care and love to get you (Me) to where you are in life, and it's a waste of your head space to be worrying for someone who cannot treat your (my) life with at least as much love and respect.

Wise words. But also don't beat yourself up that you're not detached yet. It takes time for most. You'll get there.

How's are you doing this weekend?

[kml]

It's obvious that it has been difficult for him. He looks so much more skinny and generally unhealthy, but it is his decision. I understand and accept there is nothing I can do to change anything here.

Is it, really? “Difficult” for him? I sincerely doubt it. He’s not some tragic figure torn between his “true love” and shame at abandoning his pregnant wife and toddler. He’s a selfish unfaithful idiot. If he’s looking thin and unhealthy, it’s either because OW is a terrible cook, he’s incapable of feeding himself, or I’d be just a little worried that he might be abusing drugs or alcohol. Does that seem like a possibility?

[AnnKay]

Kind18,

You know Ann, some things add value and happiness and enrichment to our lives … and some things keep taking it away. “Detachment” all boils down to deciding where you want to invest.

Your Mum is right.

Yes so true. If I look back to my relationship I could see how he did not really contribute much emotionally to the MR. He was probably more distant and aloof, and I just took it as a natural progression. I realise now that it is not the type of relationship I want in the future.

I think your mom is EXACTLY right AnnKay. (((HUGS)))

Thanks DejaVu. Mums do have a way of seeing through situations.

[AnnKay]

Thanks. It was certainly an awful period of my life. To answer your question I naively offered to R in an attempt to keep our family together, did everything I could to make that happen, didn't want the kids to go through life in a "broken" family, but it didn't matter what I said or did - I later found out she had OM2 before she even moved out - she was off to the races.

Sorry to hear this. I could be wrong, but it sounds that your exWife already had one foot out the door after OM1, so it did not matter what you did. I can see that this also applies in my situation where it really did not matter what I did or said.
I found myself thinking about the 'what if' H decided to come back and if I wanted to reconcile. A couple of weeks ago maybe I would say there was a chance, but I cannot see that anymore, at least at the moment.
I could see that what H is doing is hurting my son and I do not want him growing up thinking it is OK to be a jerk, disrespect women and still come back like nothing happened.

Wise words. But also don't beat yourself up that you're not detached yet. It takes time for most. You'll get there.

How's are you doing this weekend?

Thank you, BL42. It has been very helpful to be in this board and hear everyone's experience and point of view. I look at (and slowly practising) detachment as essentially a self preservation mechanism, and not a way to 'manipulate' H to come back.

This weekend has been better than before. I am less anxious and restless. I started a gratitude journal as suggested by my DB coach and so far the exercise is attracting only positive things. I was told by Obgyn that my Gestational Diabetes seemed under control. On Saturday, some friends gave me free tickets to the (sold out) F1 Grand Prix . I went with my son and friends who brought their kids too. It was great to just be out and about, knowing I can have as much if not more fun without H. It was also good to see my son getting more comfortable with my friends and their kids as well, so at least he knows he has other people who care for him even if H is not there.

I hope you and everyone on the board all have a good weekend as well!

[Ginger1]

Hi. It has been mentioned that maybe I should chime in because my ex left me when our daughter was 6 months old for someone he started dating during my high risk, IVF pregnancy. However, I hesitated because you are likely not in the place to hear what I have to say and it would frowned upon here.
I will tell you we did not reconcile. He did marry his affair partner, they just celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary and are all away on spring break vacation now. And I will tell you, we all get along just fine now.


My daughter is 14, a happy well adjusted girl. I have primary custody, he has every other weekend and one night a week. My daughter and I are super close .i never remarried.

That being said, in the beginning I think I would have forgiven anything just to have my family back together . I’m hindsight, nope, no I wouldn’t have. To cheat on your pregnant wife is the worst kind of betrayal. To me, it doesn’t get worse than that. It’s darned bear evil to me. Then to leave her with babies? Godawful .

I would save the “this must be difficult on HIM” compassion. He had choices. This is a pretty bad one. It should be difficult on him.

I am a LBS who does not think the WAW is always wrong or evil. Sometimes, it is warranted and understandable. But I realize I can’t find one reason why it was acceptable for my exH to walk out the door with a 6 month old baby at home .

I am so sorry you find yourself here in this situation. I hate it for anyone. It’s heart breaking . I’m just here to let you know that you will survive, thrive, and your kids will be OK.

[DejaVu6]

Sounds like you are doing better AnnKay. A gratitude journal is a great idea…keeps you focused on the positive. One thing I would be grateful for is that you found out about your H’s character now and not 15 years from now. You have the opportunity to build a better life for yourself and maybe meet a good guy later on when all of this is behind you and you’re ready to venture down that road again. I predict that you will look back on this in five years from now and, as the majority of us do, wonder why the heck you went though the emotional pain that you did. Sadly…just a necessary evil…it’s part of the process for committed and trusting people. Just know that you will get to the level of detachment you require my friend…it takes time. No way around it…you just have to go through it.

Glad you went out with friends. Keep doing that. It was a great help in my sitch. (((HUGS)))

[AnnKay]

Hi. It has been mentioned that maybe I should chime in because my ex left me when our daughter was 6 months old for someone he started dating during my high risk, IVF pregnancy.

Hi, Ginger, thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes, your name was mentioned and I did read some of your posts, although could not find your original ones. I am sorry for what you had to go through. It is bad enough to go through the mental and physical pressure of IVF, but to also face a high risk pregnancy as well as the situation with your exH, it must had been really tough. I don't know how you did it, but it is encouraging to hear that you sound like you are doing better and at peace.

However, I hesitated because you are likely not in the place to hear what I have to say and it would frowned upon here.
I will tell you we did not reconcile. He did marry his affair partner, they just celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary and are all away on spring break vacation now. And I will tell you, we all get along just fine now.

At this point I think it might be better off for me to not think about reconciling. I am not sure whether I'm in denial, but it just seems that H is getting worse and I simply don't feel much for him anymore.

My daughter is 14, a happy well adjusted girl. I have primary custody, he has every other weekend and one night a week. My daughter and I are super close .i never remarried.

Thanks for this, I am hopeful that my son will turn out as well, more considerate and kinder that he saw what his mum has been through. I am sure when my H left the first time he was more sad and angry, but after this second time he seems more accepting of the fact that his parents no longer live together.

That being said, in the beginning I think I would have forgiven anything just to have my family back together . I’m hindsight, nope, no I wouldn’t have. To cheat on your pregnant wife is the worst kind of betrayal. To me, it doesn’t get worse than that. It’s darned bear evil to me. Then to leave her with babies? Godawful .

I would save the “this must be difficult on HIM” compassion. He had choices. This is a pretty bad one. It should be difficult on him.

Thank you, Ginger. Yes, I went through few weeks of trying to do anything to have the 'old us' back, and admittedly, that part of detachment is still something I need to work on in my situation. After the second time he left, however, I think I can understand the finality of the situation and act like it. Sometimes I feel nothing and sometimes I see him and I feel bad for him, but if I were a third party looking at this situation, I would tell myself it is his choice and it is not for me to care.

I am a LBS who does not think the WAW is always wrong or evil. Sometimes, it is warranted and understandable. But I realize I can’t find one reason why it was acceptable for my exH to walk out the door with a 6 month old baby at home .
I am so sorry you find yourself here in this situation. I hate it for anyone. It’s heart breaking . I’m just here to let you know that you will survive, thrive, and your kids will be OK.

Thank you for sharing your situation. I realize that too. Even if H wants to blame it on depression and whatever mental health issue, it is for him to acknowledge and fix. H is just a coward (child) for not facing his issues and opting the easy way out.

[Kind18]

OMG, you are doing so well AnnKay.

Just reading your last post affirms that you’re progressing very well at learning to detach and stop trying to change things you can’t change.

You probably don’t feel great, and you can’t see this from inside your situation, but it’s fairly rare to see this rate of progress in most who come to the board.

Well done. Just keep taking it a day at a time, and concentrate on your detachment, acceptance and GAL duties.