You know…it’s so strange KML. Despite all of it, I still care about the guy. Not in the way I did before but enough that I don’t like seeing him stressed or sad and or struggling to keep things together the way he is right now. My son mentioned that he has been sleeping at the hospital with OW and then getting up early to drive them to school. If he is sleeping there, things must be really, really serious. I went and got D14 from his place to take her to volleyball so he could go to the hospital instead of waiting around until she’s done. She said she was happy to go because it takes her mind off of what’s going on with her stepmom. I didn’t press her for info but all signs lead me to believe she is rejecting the liver as she hasn’t been able to keep down any medications and has been there for a week now. XH also mentioned that he may have to go to the mainland which makes me think she may need to be transferred there.
Why am I so sad about this??? I mean, I did say that I wanted the karma bus to hit him. But I was thinking more along the lines of someone he loves cheating on him and leaving him in a cloud of dust. I wasn’t thinking about this. This is like the karma bus hitting him and then backing up and driving over him multiple times…her too. She’s only 40 years old. Honestly…this is really weighing on me and I am so worried for my kids and how it is going to impact them and their dad’s ability to parent them if the worst happens.
Sometimes this just feels like a really bad dream. I look at pictures of when our kids were babies and I remember how excited and simultaneously terrified we were. Him pushing me in a wheelchair out of the hospital doors with two little babies in my arms and our 50 KmH drive on the highway towards what I thought would be an amazing future. How did it all go so wrong? How many points were there where I could have made a different choice…or he could have. I know…I wasn’t the one who broke my vows and lied for year but somehow I still feel 50 per cent responsible. Anyway…a useless exercise to think about these things, I know. I just keep thinking that there has to be a life lesson in all of this somehow that I need to be grateful for. I am grateful for my health at least…so there’s that. But I would be a whole lot more grateful if she would just get better and they could be married for 30 years because then it would at least seem like it had all been worth it to someone. But if she doesn’t survive this, it will just feel like all of it will have been for nothing and that feels so much worse to me than the two of them living happily every after. Is that completely crazy for me to feel this way?!?
