Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, Affairs OW continued

[AnnKay]

Studies release last week show that pregnant women have twice the chance of a breakthrough Covid case, and we already know that pregnant women are at higher risk of serious disease from Covid. Stick to your guns. And don't trust your H to say son has tested negative.

Yes, this is along the lines of what my Obgyn suggested. Eitherway, there is a risk and I am advised against it. It seems the rule is once the 7 day isolation is done then even though you test positive you can still be released from isolation. Not sure whether this means the risk is significantly low for me after 7 days, but fingers crossed I hope all goes well.

Also - is there a way your attorney can search for other accounts in your H's name? If he was making that much more than you, where did all the money go? I wouldn't be surprised if he has a secret account.

Not sure if there is, but I could potentially find out. I would not be surprised if he has a secret account either. Or, that he has been supporting OW or someone else. At this point I can only expect the worst.

[AnnKay]

I am not sure whether I have updated this, but it appears that OW has moved about more than an hour away from where we live (and H's office, as his work is close to us). This means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling.
I do not doubt that OW is doing this to get him away from me and son, but all he ever says is that "she is moving away because she was moving on with her life and too hurt to know he came back to me that time." I really do not get how an intelligent adult can't see that this move is problematic.
Either way, H has been OK enough in communicating about son and what son has been doing during isolation. I have been responding in short and nice way.
Their isolation period will end on Thursday so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

[SteveLW]

I am not sure whether I have updated this, but it appears that OW has moved about more than an hour away from where we live (and H's office, as his work is close to us). This means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling.
I do not doubt that OW is doing this to get him away from me and son, but all he ever says is that "she is moving away because she was moving on with her life and too hurt to know he came back to me that time." I really do not get how an intelligent adult can't see that this move is problematic.
Either way, H has been OK enough in communicating about son and what son has been doing during isolation. I have been responding in short and nice way.
Their isolation period will end on Thursday so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

Ann, so why is all of this important? Is this giving you false hope that now that she is an hour away, the A will come to an end?

What are you finger-crossing about? Once isolation is ended he will come back? I am sorry, I am missing the points you are trying to make.

What I see is a lot of focus on him and the OW. I am not sure that his healthy for you to focus on. You have your son. You have your unborn child. You have to be focusing on them. Taking care of son. Eating right and staying healthy for the baby. Etc. I would forget about OW and what she may or may not be doing? You said "it appears that", where are you getting that intel? Are you snooping on her social media? Are you taking what he says at face value?

And then you are surmising about what he will do: "his means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling." When I was going through my sitch, which was an EA not a PA, I took a lot of solace in that. I was talking to someone that had cheated on her husband about things, and how it wasn't possible for my W to be in a PA. She was skeptical and told me something that has stuck with me ever since. She says: "Never underestimate a cheater's capacity to continue the affair. They will find a way to meet with the AP, there is no obstacle too large for them to overcome to do that. They will always find a way." So if you are putting your hope on the A ending because she moves away (if she really is moving away), I am afraid you will be disappointed.

Again, remember the mantra: Believe NOTHING he says. This is probably the biggest mistake LBSs make.

[BL42]

AnnKay,

it appears that OW has moved about more than an hour away from where we live (and H's office, as his work is close to us).

How do you know this?

This means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling.

This is speculation/mind reading.

I do not doubt that OW is doing this to get him away from me and son

More speculation/mind reading.

all he ever says is that "she is moving away because she was moving on with her life and too hurt to know he came back to me that time." I really do not get how an intelligent adult can't see that this move is problematic.

We're not talking about a rational/logical thinker. He's acting on emotions because he's caught up in an affair thinking that everything will be wonderful and perfect between the two of them. It's like a drug addiction. Drug addicts don't stop and think "it's going to be impractical to keep my job and family and live like this". Don't count on his thoughts and actions making sense.

Either way, H has been OK enough in communicating about son and what son has been doing during isolation. I have been responding in short and nice way.

Good. It's important you two can discuss the children amicably, for the kids' sake.

Their isolation period will end on Thursday so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

Hope you get to see your son in person soon and give him a big hug. I'm sure you miss him.

AnnKay - Like SteveLW says, try not to focus on OW. It's impossibly difficult, I know. But as much as you hate her and what she's doing to your family try to remember/accept it's your H w. I was originally all hung up on OM and hoped things would blow up, and they did. But guess what? ExW started dating OM2 and moved out and moved him in and divorced me anyway. Your H is the root of the issues.

Remember when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your H's actions are telling you he's someone who would leave his pregnant wife to have an affair.

[AnnKay]

I am not sure whether I have updated this, but it appears that OW has moved about more than an hour away from where we live (and H's office, as his work is close to us). This means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling.
I do not doubt that OW is doing this to get him away from me and son, but all he ever says is that "she is moving away because she was moving on with her life and too hurt to know he came back to me that time." I really do not get how an intelligent adult can't see that this move is problematic.
Either way, H has been OK enough in communicating about son and what son has been doing during isolation. I have been responding in short and nice way.
Their isolation period will end on Thursday so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

Ann, so why is all of this important? Is this giving you false hope that now that she is an hour away, the A will come to an end?

This just means that H currently lives away from us and will need to travel further to see us. I guess it is just confirming something we have already established anyway, that H is whipped and not acting or thinking rationally. It is just another disappointment, but it makes me feel that there is very little left of what I have known as my husband.

What are you finger-crossing about? Once isolation is ended he will come back? I am sorry, I am missing the points you are trying to make.

Finger crossing that all goes well with the end of isolation covid test for H and Son so that I can come home safely. I actually am more disgusted by him, so at the moment I do not think about him coming back.

I would forget about OW and what she may or may not be doing? You said "it appears that", where are you getting that intel? Are you snooping on her social media? Are you taking what he says at face value?

It is something that H told me a while ago pre-covid result. He said OW moved away after H came back to me in October and he had stayed there since he left me again in January.

She was skeptical and told me something that has stuck with me ever since. She says: "Never underestimate a cheater's capacity to continue the affair. They will find a way to meet with the AP, there is no obstacle too large for them to overcome to do that. They will always find a way." So if you are putting your hope on the A ending because she moves away (if she really is moving away), I am afraid you will be disappointed.

Again, remember the mantra: Believe NOTHING he says. This is probably the biggest mistake LBSs make.

I am not putting hope on the A ending because OW moves away, as I mentioned above. She has already moved (and therefore he moved away) from the beginning of this second time. I just happened to learn of it recently. I understand, and thankful that you point out what your friend told you, however. I realize that nothing I do can stop or change the state of the A.

[AnnKay]

AnnKay,

it appears that OW has moved about more than an hour away from where we live (and H's office, as his work is close to us).

How do you know this?

This means that H will have to go through a lot of commute going back and forth. Because he does not want to drive, he ends up taking the train or cycling.

This is speculation/mind reading.

I knew because H finally told me. Yes, I know, I know, mind reading is something I cannot help to do sometimes. I realize it is pointless and I know I need to own it and detach.

We're not talking about a rational/logical thinker. He's acting on emotions because he's caught up in an affair thinking that everything will be wonderful and perfect between the two of them. It's like a drug addiction. Drug addicts don't stop and think "it's going to be impractical to keep my job and family and live like this". Don't count on his thoughts and actions making sense.

Thank you, BL42. Yes. It is kind of my own fault to be expecting anything.

Their isolation period will end on Thursday so we will see how it goes. Fingers crossed.

Hope you get to see your son in person soon and give him a big hug. I'm sure you miss him.

yes. I cannot wait to see him again and maybe just spend the next weekend staying in and bonding again.

AnnKay - Like SteveLW says, try not to focus on OW. It's impossibly difficult, I know. But as much as you hate her and what she's doing to your family try to remember/accept it's your H w. I was originally all hung up on OM and hoped things would blow up, and they did.

I understand that H is the issue here. OW is nuts, I know, but I would think H would be intelligent enough to know this. Again, I understand what you and SteveLW is saying. It is hard, and I guess I am a little hormonal, but I need to really try to detach more, have no expectations and believe nothing when it comes to H.
How did things start to unravel with your ExW? and what made you think that they would blow up before they did?

[Kind18]

How does your ex respond to what you say when you told her this?

Good question. I don’t really give a sh*t or take any notice of her response from that point on, so I’m not really sure

Once she starts acting like an adult again (usually takes a week or so), then I re-engage.

When she starts playing her games and I have to state my boundaries, I normally remember how you only get about 80 laps around the sun and this reminds me not to waste any of that time on her games. I don’t routinely stick my fingers into power sockets either. It’s called self preservation, I guess.

[BL42]

AnnKay,

I knew because H finally told me. Yes, I know, I know, mind reading is something I cannot help to do sometimes. I realize it is pointless and I know I need to own it and detach.

So your H already lives an hour away and is commuting an hour each way for work and to see your son? That's going to be difficult and put a strain on his life and his relationship with OW.

I understand that H is the issue here. OW is nuts, I know, but I would think H would be intelligent enough to know this. Again, I understand what you and SteveLW is saying.

It's not a matter of intelligence. It's not a logical / rational thing.

It is hard, and I guess I am a little hormonal, but I need to really try to detach more, have no expectations and believe nothing when it comes to H.

Yes, you need to detach and drop expectations. Easier said than done so don't beat yourself up over it. It has to be extremely difficult to go through all this with a young son and while pregnant, but do what you can to put H in your rearview mirror.

How did things start to unravel with your ExW? and what made you think that they would blow up before they did?

OM was a coworker married 15 years with three school aged kids. It was never going to work. They would literally fool around in the office before, after, and during work hours while I was home caring for our 4yo and 1yo. It ended when the administration at their work found out and OM's W found out. ExW is no longer employed there. But my ExW turned around and started dating OM2 and moved out filed for D and moved him right in with my kids part time.

Point is...it's your H. Even if this thing with OW doesn't last (and chances are it won't) he'll still be the same person and it doesn't mean you two will R and ride off into the sunset together. He's broken and you didn't break him - he needs to fix himself.

[AnnKay]

BL42,

So your H already lives an hour away and is commuting an hour each way for work and to see your son? That's going to be difficult and put a strain on his life and his relationship with OW.

It's obvious that it has been difficult for him. He looks so much more skinny and generally unhealthy, but it is his decision. I understand and accept there is nothing I can do to change anything here.

OM was a coworker married 15 years with three school aged kids. It was never going to work. They would literally fool around in the office before, after, and during work hours while I was home caring for our 4yo and 1yo. It ended when the administration at their work found out and OM's W found out. ExW is no longer employed there. But my ExW turned around and started dating OM2 and moved out filed for D and moved him right in with my kids part time.

Sorry to hear about this, BL42. It must have been a horrible thing to go through especially when you had to care for your little ones too. How awful that ExW started dating OM2 after the first affair. After she was found out, did you both ever try reconciling?

[AnnKay]

How does your ex respond to what you say when you told her this?

Good question. I don’t really give a sh*t or take any notice of her response from that point on, so I’m not really sure

Once she starts acting like an adult again (usually takes a week or so), then I re-engage.

haha what a good detachment. I need to get to this point. After coming back home post-isolation, now it seems all that talk about 'not being able to help with anything' is mostly just talk. H is still picking up and dropping off son in the end, and said he would help getting rid of some things from our storage to prep for newborn. I don't really think too much about that last part as I'm already enlisting some friends to help out with cleaning.

When she starts playing her games and I have to state my boundaries, I normally remember how you only get about 80 laps around the sun and this reminds me not to waste any of that time on her games. I don’t routinely stick my fingers into power sockets either. It’s called self preservation, I guess.

that's a great way to look at it. I aim to stay away from power sockets too haha.
My Mum said something along the same lines too, but rather from her perspective. It was something along the lines of 'I (Mum) have made a lot of sacrifices, care and love to get you (Me) to where you are in life, and it's a waste of your head space to be worrying for someone who cannot treat your (my) life with at least as much love and respect.' She may sound a little selfish, but I think she has a point.