Create the life...

[Elbereth]

I signed up again for another month on BetterHelp. The first counselor they selected for me had only 4 years of experience. No way. She was a baby. After I rejected that one, I selected another one from a list of options. I prefer at least 10 years of experience. Waiting to see how that selection plays out. I honestly have so little bandwidth to manage finding one…so I guess I’m just hoping that I might get lucky with a good one picked for me based on my description. I couldn’t find one that said ‘betrayal trauma’ exactly but the one I selected does help with life changes and trauma (among other things). Wish me luck. It would be so great if she feels like a good match for me. Still waiting to hear from her…so I’ll let you know how it goes.

I will probably quit my job this week or next. I think I have to for my own health and sanity. My coworker that I work directly with is also struggling. It’s affect on her health is also pretty bad…but her therapists doesn’t want her to make a change until they get her health back up. However, it’s so bad right now with everyone quitting and all the drama, I’m not sure she can hold out either. For me, I do have fears about finding a new job, but I also realize I can’t manage it all. And I am struggling to get any work done and they have been paying me later and later and I don’t like having two months of income outstanding at a time. I’ve lost all faith or trust in the new management. It’s sad. The company was a leader in the industry…and all the top talent has been quitting. It’s a sinking ship.

Gathering discovery for the D, as well as anything I can think of to plan the strategy. With taxes, I discovered that my STBXH did receive some giant bonus or something right after he told me he wanted a D. So that was pretty upsetting. Almost like he got me out of the way first after all the years of taking my income to raise his kids that was over what I should have contributed based on their parenting plan (with his XW). I’m nervous about mediation, but I am trying to get everything ready as soon as possible so that I can really see the strategy that my L is planning. Our tax guy hinted at a refund too, so I am curious what that might look like. And more money to fight over.

Also, trying to prepare for the move to the new apartment. Feeling sad that I need to sell/get rid of more of the things I own. But also feeling sad that maybe I will never have a need for some of it either. It’s such a confusing time. I just want to be past all of this already. I just want a calm, normal level of stress life again. I want to feel excited when I wake up in the morning. I find myself so distracted it’s hard to work, then exhausted by 3 pm to where I have to nap. This is not normal. This is not the existence I want to have. I am working in yoga and walks, but sometimes I need a nap after that as well.

Anyway, snails pace…moving forward super slowly…lots of things to deal with, and just trying to do the best that I can.