Need advice please (2)

[BL42]

Dink,

I didn’t want this divorce

My personal opinion is you should always be honest and never lie, especially to your kids. So, if you don't want the divorce you should not tell them the decision is mutual. Especially considering they're grown adults and not little kids. If they can't trust you on that, will they start wondering what else they can't trust you on? Be honest. It doesn't mean you should get bogged down in the details or sling mud - absolutely not - but don't lie about the situation.

but was trying to and I know now I was wrong, protect the kids from being mad at their mom for this, and In do so protecting her from her actions.

Right. Don't throw mud and disparage her but don't lie for her either. Be short, straightforward, and to the point, say the details are between you and your W but it's not your job to lie to defend of protect her.

Her sister and husband live by me on the LakeHouse

In terms of your SIL and BIL, it doesn't sounds like you sought out interactions or said anything inflammatory, which is good, but try to limit discussions with them moving forward at least related to the R. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of your W. Be friendly and neighborly, but don't engage in wife/relationship talks going forward. It's tempting, but won't help.

Then again she says I love my sister but I serious think she is bipolar and has so mental issues that she need to get attention for to help. Then her and her husband said, trust me we know all the stuff you do for her and you seriously are a saint, so we don’t know what the f she is thinking right now.

This may be temporarily comforting to you, but won't help in the long term.

Then my sister in law says that this same son a couple days ago reach out to her and said to her, and I believe he was sober from what I understand said, you guys better tell me if you think there is any funny business going on.

Your son already suspects funny business and he will find out eventually whether he goes full on PI (at his age) or it just comes out over time. If she's living with OM her your adult kids won't take long to figure it out. Don't be the one passing it around.

Yes I didn’t want the divorce, but I guess in my stupid mind right now I am trying to,protect the kids from feeling angry which from what you guys are telling me is the wrong thing to do and to stop trying to protect my wife and let her suffer consequences.

It's not about letting your W suffer consequences, it's about being honest in your relationship with your kids. Don't tell them you want the divorce if you don't. But again, don't drag them into the details either.

I miss my family.

Sorry man. I understand the feeling, trust me. Make sure you continue cultivating your relationship with your kids and grandkid. You still have a family, it just may be different moving forward.

You guys on here and I don’t know a single one of you, are good people, you truly are and I know I am as well. And I appreciate you more than you will know.

We're just paying it forward.

I do have plans this weekend to go golfing with my two sons

Awesome! Great way to bond with your kids. Enjoy.

and working on the house has keep me busy.

Good stuff.

and was worried she would bring up my past stuff if she felt I threw her under the bus and, again am wanting to protect the kids from that hurt as well.

You are going to have to own your $hit and take it like a man Dink.

Yep. It's all going to come out. Just be honest and own it. "Yes, I did and it's been a major regret of mine which I've worked for years to make amends for." That's all you can do.

What I mean is that my wife right now I don’t think it is a good frame of mind. My sister in law even has said she hasn’t been for a while. So I think that’s part of why I didn’t say it was her idea.In the past when she was really down or depressed is when the whole Nashville thing and taking the pills happened. My sister in law thinks though right now she is manic state, in a high because she thinks
She is free from her past and past feelings by saying she wants a divorce and things are going to magically get better. She said also, once she finally get a dose of reality and the real ramification of her decision, and how it really is going to change her life, and her relationship probably with her kids, and she will come crashing down. Then my sister in law said, she is going to hate when all the kids are coming up to the lake and her and her husband and me and the kids are all hanging out at the sandbar and she won’t be able to be part of it. She said right now she has farsightness
And isn’t seen what the immediate impact is going to be and she said personally believe she is going to regret this. She said I wouldn’t be surprised if she might be talking to the last person was talking with before you got back together or someone’s else because she said she can’t be alone, she need someone and always has.

This could very well be true, but you can't talk her out and it doesn't change how you should act moving forward. It's up to her to pick her path. As the saying goes here, "not your monkeys, not your circus". It's not your job to save her, nor can you.

Your avoidant nature still has me asking a lot of questions. So I will put them here:

- Are you in IC?
- Have you read Divorce Remedy (or at least Divorce Busting)?
- Do you still want to get back together with her despite the fact that she is in an ongoing affair?
- How are you staying busy? What are you doing for GAL?
- Do you understand what detachment is? Have you read the threads here on it? Do you have any questions about it?
- If you aren't in IC (and you seem to be anti-IC since you continue to ignore that), what are your plans for self-improvements?

Dink - How about an answer to SteveLW's questions, one by one?