Last night was interesting. I figured out something I had never realized before...probably why I feel like I fell back down in a rut I don't want to be in.
H just couldn't hardly wait to see me. I guess the dream he had had really messed him up. He kept calling me while he was driving around. Said when he got back and we bought the condo, we would get it in my name with his money, since I have the good credit--and that to "protect me." (To keep him from throwing me out again, basically.)
He also said he was sorry he was a w****. I think he was talking about both the incident during the first sep, and all of his messing around before we got together. I told him I didn't care, I just loved him, and it didn't matter since we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. He said he appreciated that, a lot of girls wouldn't like all of the stuff he had done before. I told him I didn't care (which is true), it was before me.
H told me that he really didn't think he could love anyone else but me. ( ) Become infatuated, yes, but not love them like he does me. I told him I never thought I could feel as strongly for anyone like I do for him. That I hadn't realized just how strongly I could feel for one person. He told me he felt the same way. (Are we a pair of saps, or what?? )
I was actually emailing karen812 when he walked in...whoops. I closed out the BB real quick, but he got curious as to who I was writing to. Asked who it was, and I said a friend. Was actually standing over my shoulder reading the message. I know he didn't mean anything by it. I've never been bothered by him doing this before. He asked how I knew her. And I'm horribly bad at lieing. I could have said we went to school, or we met chatting online one day...I don't know. I just sort of looked at him.
He finally pinned me down, and I asked him if he really wanted to know. He said he did. So I showed him the intro page to the DB website, and then the main index for the BB. He asked what that was all about. I said it had kept my sanity, I used it as a sort of support group.
I kind of wish I hadn't showed him. He kept bringing it up the rest of the night, off and on.
We were hungry, so decided to eat before we worked out. But he wound up attacking me on the couch. He made the comment afterward that he was really going to miss me when he goes off to basic. I said I would visit him when I could. He asked me if I promised, and I said of course I would. I told him I would wait for him, of course. He asked if I had been waiting for him the last few months, and I said I had. He asked me how long I would be willing to wait for him, and I told him as long as it took, because he was worth it. He smiled, said that made him feel good.
I told him he was a sweet guy. He said he wasn't, that he was a prick. (Okay, that is kind of true...) I said he wasn't with me. He said that he loved me, so it was different.
I went to go change clothes (tired of being dressed up from work). Then I realized I was upset. I can't even recall what about. I curled up on the bed for a minute, basically feeling sorry myself. I was hoping H would come in and comfort me. Then I realized he probably thought I was just getting dressed (before, I might have just wallowed in self-pity until he got curious). So I went back in the front room, and layed on top of him on the couch.
He asked me what was wrong. I said I didn't know. But the hug did make me feel better. He kept asking--was it that I missed him? Was I thinking of something? That's when I first started to realize...his asking questions actually made me feel worse. I think because then I was thinking about it more. The hug had been what I really needed, until he started asking. I know he was being concerned, and trying to help, but it actually didn't. Weird, but good to know.
Later, he asked me more about the BB. He asked me what I had written. I said it was more about focussing on myself. He wanted to know what people had said about him. I said it wasn't about spouse-bashing, but about figuring out how I contributed to the problems. (I think his insecurity here is pretty obvious.) He pressed again, asking what people had said about him. I said most people thought he was being very receptive, and very nice. And, again, that it was more about me. That seemed to satisfy him at that point.
It had started to storm pretty bad at that point, so we decided the gym was out. Oh well, it's probably a good thing because I was feeling pretty weird, and it would have been a disaster.
H's friend called, and H told me he was planning on going out with him and BIL2 later. I very much like this friend. I think I have a bad habit of trying to influence who my H hangs out with. I know it's bad of me. I never meant to get that way. I'm just paranoid that some people influence him (subtly) so he won't want to be around. Yes, I know, bad paranoia, bad way to handle, just bad all around.
But I was weird, anyway, that he was going to go out. H noticed it immediately. Asked me what was wrong. If I was bothered he was going out--he even protested that it was this particular friend and BIL2, that I liked them. (Ouch. Can you see how this relates to above??) Because he got to go out and do things late at night, and it's like I have to go to bed early since I have to work in the morning.
He offered to stay in. I told him it was silly, he had already made plans, and didn't need to satisfy my ridiculous insecure needs. This has been a circular theme in our R the last year. Then he keeps offering because I am still (clearly) upset, and I just feel worse because I know he shouldn't have to. But I stuck with what I said this time, and didn't let that cycle start again.
But I was still feeling bad. Probably because--like I figured out earlier!--the more I dwell on something, the more upset I am. I actually need to focus on something else to feel better. And, as well-intentioned as H is, whenever he starts asking, I start feeling worse. What a weird thing to happen, but at least I recognize that now.
We got distracted watching TV, and he was giving me a very nice massage. (Making sure he knows I appreciate what he's doing.) I commented that he was pampering me. He said he liked doing that.
H brought up the BB again. Wanted to know what I had learned. I am one of those people who just can't come up with answers when cornered...it's like my brain shuts down. I said I didn't know, just ways to handle things better. He asked for an example. I flubbed around, came up with that I had learned how pushing more about roommate really wasn't the way to handle it. He said of course not, it really made him want to run to her. (Well of course it was obvious to him!! It's his reactions I was trying to understand...!) He asked for more. I was really racking my brain, and I finally said it helped me to work out how things I already knew about him fit into the big picture.
I'm glad he finally gave up asking me. I really didn't want to answer all his questions, but I know he was feeling insecure about the BB (probably afraid of people telling me how awful he is), and the best way to help is to be honest. I hope he never asks me to show him my posts...I think I'll just tell him there are a lot of private thought on there, like a journal. (And hope he doesn't point out the obvious, that it's a public BB.)
Then he told me that he didn't think he could date roommate anyway. That she was too b!tchy, always griped, and when she got upset about something she took it out on everyone. I couldn't help it...I told H that it sounded like him. Probably not the best response...but he took it well. Said that was probably why they got along so well as friends, because they were alike. He then went on about she was the one person who never made a pass at him. That there were all these other women at the club who had tried when they found out. (Hearing this, of course, drove me nuts, even though he obviously didn't do anything about it.) He said that roommate was the one who had respected me. I told him hearing that didn't make me feel any better, it felt like an "I told you so." He said he didn't mean it like that, just that he was trying to reassure me. I told him that it was better to just drop the subject, that's what really helped me.
H asked again if I wanted to go out with him. I really did want to go...but I've been sick, and I thought it might just make me feel worse. Didn't want to do that. H thought maybe it was time-of-the month getting to me, which is a possibility. It's about that time.
He gave me a big hug before he left. I told him not to worry, it wasn't him, he hadn't done anything to make me feel bad, that he was very sweet and just great. (Continuing effort to let him know he is appreciated.) And, after he left, I sent him a vmail that I was sorry I had been funny and distant, that I loved him, and for him to have fun.
Maybe last night wasn't as bad as I had thought, after writing this this morning. I guess it doesn't matter. Today is a new, and better, day.
Read something funny earlier. Man, this is me... I need to lighten up about H's messines... LOL Okay, I need to lighten up in general.
At one point, during our first sep (Oct '03). That's where my horribly bad jealous streak comes from, not that it excuses it. Leading up to the first sep, H had this "best friend" who I later found out was totally manipulating him. Encouraged him to do things without me ("Your W wouldn't have fun, would she?") and then encouraged him to move out. After we were seperated, he had a brief PA with her. Then got weirded out because she started acting like they were dating, realized that's not what he wanted, and came looking for me.
The b!tch even threatened to tell me they had slept together after she found out we were back together. Too bad for her he had already come clean to me. I asked (okay, demanded) that there be no more contact with her at that point, and he agreed. I took vicious pleasure in eliminating all obvious traces of her--removing her number from his cell-phone, her e-mail address from his address book, etc. (With his permission, of course.) That w**** even came into his bar every week on the same day, after he had explicitly told her to stay away. It's funny how she manipulated him, but she wound up hurting herself in the end... I am not a callous person, but I have no sympathy for her. She listened to my H's hurts and complaints, and literally created a persona to lure him away. She was deliberate and calculating, and didn't care who she hurt (including him) to get what she wanted. Some of the stuff she said to him later just makes me sick. She went on and on about how she was hurt and her kids were hurt (she's D). And she actually told my H that I was too good for him. That I shouldn't have taken him back.
I wanted to beat the crap out of her so bad. But I'm a better person than that, and in the end it was pretty obvious. I'm sure a good majority of the people in the bar suspected, and I'm sure she ran her mouth. A friend of hers even told her she had no right to interfere in our M. That was satisfying. I went in where he worked frequently after that, and a lot of people thought I was just the nicest person. I'm sure she had to hear more about me than she ever wanted. And every time she just "happened" to come in while he was working and I was there, H made a point to be very affectionate and touchy-feely with me.
At this point he absolutely loathes her.
He once told me it was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life--and on top of that, he can't believe he did it to me. I know a part of him hates himself for it. Sometimes I think the guilt is eating him up inside. I can see how sorry he is, how much it hurts him, sometimes.
One of the most healing things I ever told him was that it doesn't matter because we broke up (sep #2). So that this is a new R, and all that stuff in the past isn't relevent. I know he still worries I hold it against him. I think that's why he keeps telling me my jealousy isn't an issue (it is). I honestly think he feels responsible for my being jelous--he said at one point, that "I made you that way." Ouch.
Well, that was a long-winded responded to a one-line question!
Officially, for all of the three weeks. But he was really weird for a couple of months leading up to that. Very distant, always taking off and ditching me... Our biggest problem was that neither of us changed after that first sep. At least, not permanently. We fell back into the same, unproductive patterns.
I would really like to believe that H still loves me but from a distance. HE still wants me to make his appts, Ml, have dinner with us, he told me he will always protect me. He was doing it all the time but now he can only do it if I invite him because I set boundaries. I am just confused and of course I want him back!
BTW, did you ask me before about e-mailing me? Last night when I got an e-mail from karen812, I nearly canned it as spam because I didn't recognize the name initially. LOL I was afraid I might have done the same to somebody else, without realizing it, so I wanted to check.
It sounds like, to me, you are shutting your H out right now. Boundaries are just fine, but don't let them get in the way of moving closer together. You're going to need to increase contact with him, gradually, over time, to rebuild your M!
At first, I had all the same thoughts. H was cake-eating. H was using me. I was letting H walk all over me. There were days I said I wasn't going to let him use me anymore. I understand the frustration.
Maybe stop doing all the "wife" things--such as making the appointments--and try some milder, more friend-oriented activities. Maybe stuff centered around your S. A trip to the zoo or a family dinner? And try to build on that.
ML is really up to you. Do you enjoy it? H and I ML almost the entire time we were seperated. I think we ML more times and more frequently than during the first year of our M. LOL! Something to think about...guys ML to feel connected. ML, for them, is expressing love. So I kept that in mind, and rarely turned H down. He kept saying it didn't mean we were getting back together, I shouldn't get my hopes up, he didn't want to confuse me...yada yada yada. But I was looking to reestablish that connection--because it was barely there the first few times we ML. But if you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable.
IMHO, I think your H is still looking for something emotional with you. It sounds like, from what I've heard, that he's reaching out to you. Maybe testing the waters. Do you know what his LL is? I learned to speak to my H in his LL, and that made a huge difference with us.
Hope some of this helps. I know it hurts, I know you're confused. He!!, I'm still confused. Something I was listening to on the KLA CD earlier--if what you're doing isn't working, try something different. No matter what it is. Then if that doesn't work...keep trying.
I do enjoy ML. It was a touchy spot in our M. I think he wants something emotional but is also afraid of something emotional. Scared to be reeled in.We were Ml more than we did when he was home and with more variety. He says the same thing , doesn't mean we are getting back 2gether,yada,yada,yada......I was angry because he wouldn't even spend the night. He lives w/mom so not because of OW. I don't know. I guess I will see if he will initiate. I think we are both holdiong out to see who will give in 1st. Stupid I know.
) Become infatuated, yes, but not love them like he does me. I told him I never thought I could feel as strongly for anyone like I do for him. That I hadn't realized just how strongly I could feel for one person. He told me he felt the same way. (Are we a pair of saps, or what?? 
I never meant to get that way. I'm just paranoid that some people influence him (subtly) so he won't want to be around. Yes, I know, bad paranoia, bad way to handle, just bad all around. 
Probably not the best response...but he took it well. Said that was probably why they got along so well as friends, because they were alike. He then went on about she was the one person who never made a pass at him. That there were all these other women at the club who had tried when they found out. (Hearing this, of course, drove me nuts, even though he obviously didn't do anything about it.) He said that roommate was the one who had respected me. I told him hearing that didn't make me feel any better, it felt like an "I told you so." He said he didn't mean it like that, just that he was trying to reassure me. I told him that it was better to just drop the subject, that's what really helped me. 
Leading up to the first sep, H had this "best friend" who I later found out was totally manipulating him. Encouraged him to do things without me ("Your W wouldn't have fun, would she?") and then encouraged him to move out. After we were seperated, he had a brief PA with her. Then got weirded out because she started acting like they were dating, realized that's not what he wanted, and came looking for me.