Dink you do way too much talking. You told the kids what your STBXW does is her business. I’m wondering why you are telling them it’s mutual when they are all adults? Are you trying to earn points with your kids? Lastly, your son calling your Stbxw a C is very disrespectful and I would deal with that accordingly.
1) Was it mutual? I get the sense you wanted to say married but are now saying that because of the PA. Dig down deep and be honest with yourself here. If it was mutual so be it, but I agree w/LH...don't lie to your kids about whose decision it was.
2) Don't stand for your son calling your W a C.
3) Don't get into talks with W's sister discussing W's actions.
4) Your kids are going to be upset. They're also going to find out all about OM on their own and that'll likely make them mad at their mom. It's not your job to fix their relationship with her.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
\I said I told your sister I was going to tell them Saturday and we could do it together or separate, and she said you can tell them And I will tell separate and try to get with them the next day or something,
Dink, this is what stuck out from me from your latest post. I don't get it. We suggested you take the bull by the horn and tell the kids. You even made it seem like that is what you did. However, it appears you conferred with her about it. Do you think that makes you look strong or weak in her eyes? And remember, strength is attractive, weak is repulsive. Maybe at this point you do not care if you are attractive to her or not, but I get the sense you are still trying to "nice" her back.
No contact means no contact. Now if you don't like that advice, or don't want to follow that advice, just let me know and I will shutup about it. I don't type her for my own health, I do it to try to help LBSs. You've been told by lots of posters here that you talk to her WAY too much, so I will repeat the rules of engagement one last time:
If she calls, you let it go to voicemail. If she leaves a voicemail or follows up with a text....and that message is asking a question, you take your time and answer it later. But when you do send a follow up text answer it is short, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no question get yes or no answers. No greetings or closings. No, "Hi -her name-" or thank yous. Just the answer to the question. If her message is not a question, do not answer it at all. If she sends you an informational text or voicemail, and later asks you "Did you get my message?" your response back (after some time has passed, IE NOT right away is): yes.
I get the sense this level of engagement scares you. That you feel like you if she reaches out you have to respond. You don't.
Your avoidant nature still has me asking a lot of questions. So I will put them here:
- Are you in IC?
- Have you read Divorce Remedy (or at least Divorce Busting)?
- Do you still want to get back together with her despite the fact that she is in an ongoing affair?
- How are you staying busy? What are you doing for GAL?
- Do you understand what detachment is? Have you read the threads here on it? Do you have any questions about it?
- If you aren't in IC (and you seem to be anti-IC since you continue to ignore that), what are your plans for self-improvements?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1) Was it mutual? I get the sense you wanted to say married but are now saying that because of the PA. Dig down deep and be honest with yourself here. If it was mutual so be it, but I agree w/LH...don't lie to your kids about whose decision it was.
2) Don't stand for your son calling your W a C.
3) Don't get into talks with W's sister discussing W's actions.
4) Your kids are going to be upset. They're also going to find out all about OM on their own and that'll likely make them mad at their mom. It's not your job to fix their relationship with her.
On #2, in Dink's defense, you cannot reason with a drunk. I think Dink actually handled his son really well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m am all over the board I know. I didn’t want this divorce, but was trying to and I know now I was wrong, protect the kids from being mad at their mom for this, and In do so protecting her from her actions.
Her sister and husband live by me on the LakeHouse and I borrowed a sander from them, when I went to LakeHouse to get some tools while she was gone. It was for something I am working on at the house. It was the first time I have seen them seen I left the lake house. She told me she just found out from his sister that I wasn’t living at the LakeHouse about a week ago. She asked how I was doing I said ok and then started asking me some questions. Her and her husband were both there I just told them that at the beginning of March that her sister approached me and told me she wanted a divorce. She said did you see this coming I said no not really. Then her and her husband says to me, I think she may have some mental issues going on, and have for a while .
then her sister says I think she might be bi polar. She said last Saturday they were having septic issues at their place and called her to see if they go come over to lake house where is is staying and used bathroom. She said her sister says she wasn’t home but the door was unlocked. She said when they went there the house was a mess inside like no one has been there for a while. Then she said she has never been able to take care of her self on her own or take responsibility for her actions , even like last time you guys separated before getting back together. Her sister says I know all about what happened with you years ago and your affair as she told me, and about her hers 5 years ago. I told her when I heard you were getting back together that if you are going to this you have to commit to it and commit to the fact all this stuff has to stay in the past then and you guys need to just focus on the future and moving forward. She hardly even talks to me now and we live a mile apart.
Then again she says I love my sister but I serious think she is bipolar and has so mental issues that she need to get attention for to help. Then her and her husband said, trust me we know all the stuff you do for her and you seriously are a saint, so we don’t know what the f she is thinking right now.
And my sister in law told me that her mom know about my wife wanting a divorce, and knew before my sister in law even did. She said she has talked to her mom now after find out, and her mom was upset with my wife and said she better tell the damn kids because I am sick of covering for her like I don’t know.
And after my sons outburst last night, which he did call me this morning and apologize and says he didn’t even remember some of the things he said, and he said he had just starting taking a new anxiety medication, and I thinks that was part of the problem. And yes when he was saying the stuff he said las t not I did scold him and tell him to stop. It Is I believe what could of contributed to how he acted last night. Then my sister in law says that this same son a couple days ago reach out to her and said to her, and I believe he was sober from what I understand said, you guys better tell me if you think there is any funny business going on. My sister in law and husband all agreed neither of us can saying anything that we have talked that it would just make things worse.
I do know what you guys are saying, I do. Since telling the kids I spiraled a little. I do so good most days , and Yes I didn’t want the divorce, but I guess in my stupid mind right now I am trying to,protect the kids from feeling angry which from what you guys are telling me is the wrong thing to do and to stop trying to protect my wife and let her suffer consequences. It so difficult some days because, it kind of like If you are a Stars Wars fan in Return of the Jedi when Dart Vader dies at the end and ask Luke to take of his helmet so he can look at him with his own eyes. Even as evil as Vader was Luke still knew there was going in him, and I truly feel there is good in my wife, but I truly truly do know that I can’t fix it only she can. I miss my family.
You guys on here and I don’t know a single one of you, are good people, you truly are and I know I am as well. And I appreciate you more than you will know. I’m About three weeks into this and at time feel like im dancing. Take two steps forward and one step back. My journey has only just begun , but it has begun and I just have to keep move forward as much as I can day by day and see we’re things lead me. As I say I can’t keep living in the past, because there is no future in it.
I do have plans this weekend to go golfing with my two sons and working on the house has keep me busy. I am so glad I had this week off since I put in for it for spring break, because all of this past week would of been ten times worse if I had been working, my mind would have been all over, As it kind of is. I think someday my biggest challenge is, ore than her still being my wife and still loving her is, she is the the mother of my children and and protecting them and also probably protecting her for them. I don’t know.
Dink my children think the decision to divorce is mutual. At the time they were 13 and 9 and i feel it was the right decision at the time. I plan on telling them the truth if asked when they are old enough. I have some things things I am going to have to own but I also want them to know I did everything I could to keep our family together. How they feel about their mom after that is up to them and I am sure no matter what they will work through it. Adult kids deserve to know the truth.
And part of why I think I said it was mutual (and again I let fear control me), is that I know she is not obviously in a good state of mind and was worried she would bring up my past stuff if she felt I threw her under the bus and, again am wanting to protect the kids from that hurt as well.
The thing for me, my affair was 14 years ago, and I kept it inside to myself and never told one person, not one person. But obviously it took a toll on me over those years with the guilt I carried around
