I called H when I got off of work, to see if he still wanted to go to the gym. He didn't answer. He called me back about 40 minutes later, when I was in the middle of turning in my app for the new apartment, so I said I would call him right back.

Called him back. He said how much he had missed me. I said I had too. We made plans for him to come by my place later to pick me up for the gym.

I was feeling pretty run-down again last night, so I grabbed a bite to eat and went home. H called me while he was driving over, said he had thought about me all day and couldn't wait to see me. I told him I had been thinking of him, too. He thanked me for letting him go along to pick out my new apartment. I told him I enjoyed his company, and was glad he went with me. I also told him I couldn't wait to see him.

I gave him a big hug when I saw him. We curled up on the couch for a few minutes before we left for the gym. I gave him a short massage, and lots of kisses on his forehead (he really loves those, I don't know why). He said I was spoiling him...that must be a good thing.

After we got to the gym, I kind of knew there was going to be a problem. I started feeling kind of funny while I was changing--I got that old paranoia back about how I look in my workout clothes. I should have known then I was going to get weirder.

H complimented me on the outfit--he's seen it before, tons of times (I only own two different gym outfits!), but he mentioned how he liked the black short and black top with the new black gloves. He said all I needed was black shoes...

We went over into the weight room, and he went first, so I could spot him. Why I started to get panicky, I have no idea. He kept asking me to talk to him, to encourage him to push more. I actually began to get really freaked out. I was, for some stupid reason, not able to talk to him. I must have had a funny look on my face, because H asked if I was okay. I said no, I was getting kind of worked up. He asked if I wanted to leave, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to work out by myself, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to talk, and I said no, that made me focus on being upset. I told him the best thing for me was to just keep going, not talk about it, and let me focus on something else so it would just go away.

I know he was concerned. We did a couple of other things, and he kept asking if I was all right. I really just wanted to drop the subject, because the sooner I can get my brain on something else, the better I will feel. I really, really wanted to just run and hide. Just wanted to get out. When I start to get worked up, I swear it feels like everyone is staring at me--even if no one is looking. Looking back it, it's so silly, and it almost makes me mad.

H waited awhile before he mentioned it again. Then he said he hoped they would be gone by the time he got back from basic. I took it to mean that he felt irritated by them. I gave him a dirty look, and a very sarcastic "thanks." He apologized, said he hadn't meant it that way, and reached over to brush my arm. I was still irritated, but I made an effort to relax, and think about that he hadn't meant it that way.

After that I started feeling physically ill again. It was like all of the energy was just gone from me. I don't know if the panic attack was somehow tied to my being sick or not. But I was just drained. I was actually having a hard time doing much of anything. H asked me again, several times, if I wanted to go home, and what was wrong with me. I said I just wanted to get through it, I was close anyay, and I was just dead tired.

H told me he could see how much muscle definition I had gained in the last year and half since I started the gym, and said he would be able to do even more with me in the next few months. He told me how nice and shaped my arms had gotten. I'm not satisfied yet, though--it's funny, after I started going, I just keep raising my personal standards.

I was moving so slow. It was so difficult to get through. H used to always complain I gave up too easy when I didn't feel good. I could have gone home. But part of it was I knew how important this time was to him. While we were doing crunches, he asked me if I was irritated with him. I may have been snappish, actually that's very likely since I'm a grump when I'm sick. And I knew I was acting distant. I told him I was sorry, I didn't mean to sound mad at him. I said I was just trying to do something nice for him. That I knew how much he wanted us to work out together. I think I surprised him, because then he said it was okay, he would be grumpy at some other time, and for me not to worry about it.

I did cut it short some. Basically in half. The gym was closing soon anyway. If I had been feeling good, I could have finished, but I was having an awful time.

On the way home, H commented that maybe my body shut down because it was trying to tell me I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. He had never said anything like that before. It was always "Why don't you try harder? I go until I break my back and fall down! Why don't you push as far as I do?" So, strangely, I did get the reaction from him I wanted. H actually told me at one point during the workout to take it easier, he wouldn't push me so hard. Wow. 180 for him. Of course, a lot of times I would have just went ahead and gone home. I probably should have last night. But...like I thought...if I kept going even when I didn't feel good, H became much more sensitive to the fact that I wasn't feeling well. And that makes me feel better in the end, anyway, even if I was exhausted.

I pretty much fell over on the bed when we got back. Was changing out of my workout stuff, and H complained I was trying to seduce him. I just shrugged, said it was fine with me if he wanted to. (See, like H says, I never put up a fight. ) He said that wasn't fun, I didn't even seem interested. I told him I was just tired, but I would still enjoy it. He said he didn't like doing that when I was so out of it, said it felt like he was taking advantage of me. I could tell he still wanted to, just felt bad. So I told him I had some of my best climaxes when I was half-asleep (something about already being relaxed, I think), and it would actually help me sleep better. H finally agreed, and it was very nice. Which was all I really wanted. Sometimes I'm just interested in the closeness aspect of it.

He showered, came back to give me a kiss, said he was leaving. I said I wished he would stay. (Trying to make him feel like I want him around more.) He said he already had made plans with some girl, M, I had never heard him mention before. H quickly added onto that it was with her bf as well.

It's a good thing I was pretty much asleep, or my irritation might have been more obvious. Yes, I was jealous. I hate these women that I've never met. I hate that they want to be around him. I hate that he was going out at all (yes, I know, way overreacting) because it reminded me of all the times he ditched me. I hate the fact that I have to go to bed early every night, and he gets to go stay out all night long. And I knew he had spent a lot of time with me. And I knew he deserved to go out and have some fun, too. And I knew that he does work nights and weekends, so this is his downtime.

So I didn't say anything. He said he would call me later, and I asked him not to, since I wasn't feeling well and I thought a good night's sleep might really help (instead of the nightly interruption). He gave me another kiss, and took off.

Like I asked him to, he didn't wake me up. After I took the dog out this morning, as I came back in I heard my phone ring. H said he'd had a really bad dream, and just wanted to talk to me until he had convinced himself it wasn't realy. He said, in the dream, we were fighting really bad again, and I walked away from him and didn't want anything to do with him. And, in the dream, his family was there, and they got mad at him for it and turned their backs on him. He asked me if I would ever walk away from him, and I told him of course not, that I loved him. I asked if it was because I had been kind of irritable yesterday, and he thought that might have been it. I talked to him for a few minutes while I got ready, and he asked if we were going back to the gym today, and I said of course. He started to sound pretty asleep again, and I asked if he felt better. He said he did. I told him I wanted to make sure he was okay before I hung up, but that I needed to get in the shower. He said he would see me later. Which is something he's been saying the last few days--before, it was always "talk to you later."

I'm feeling better today, and I still want to go back to the gym and finish later. I hate the feeling I get when I wait too long in between workouts--that weird, loose, sort of feeling. I don't care if it's a great workout, just want to get through it.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]