Core's Newcomer Advice and Resource Thread 1

[Core]

R2C, Your quote threads were gold and extremely helpful. Memories of it probably fed in to me wanting to do something generalized as well.

I don't post a lot so others, feel free to make use of the thread as well.


Why?

That one word drives many here. Most of us come here after one of these events, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I want a divorce", or the hardest, an affair of the mind or body is found. We ask....why?

It is futile to ask however we keep doing it. Many newcomers will ask in one shape or form, often many times. We all did. We all do. We all will.

Direct and to the point....in many ways it's a useless question. Why you are asking the question is whats more important. You're hurt. You're reeling in pain. You're suffering. Maybe the answer will end the pain or as human nature often goes, you feel you NEED to know why, so the pain doesn't happen again. You may think...if you know some of the why, maybe you'll never have to feel these awful feelings again.

The real why's are many, situational and may be almost unbearable to hear the answer even if you knew it early in your situation. The easy answers are that people are broken, often men stay the same and women change - often to the dismay of the other, something broke down in the marriage, communication went south, and the list goes on.

Even knowing this, we'll still ask why. It is part of the grieving process. It is a loss, rejection, disappointment, anxiety that you are feeling. Many will often ask their WAW or WW spouse, "why". You can be almost certain the answer will be as gaslighting as they come. You will regret asking why, be left confused, and likely worse off than before. They likely don't have all the answers as it is as they would be required to self reflect and that's not happening, at least not early on.

"Why" is better left unanswered and whats important as stated earlier is why you are asking "why".
So what can you do to avoid the pain in the future and help in the present? DB and DR books and the forums mention options that help. Enact 180s on your flaws, exercise, eat better, GAL, become more masculine or more feminine within reason, read recommended self help books, get a Church or read the Bible, grow yourself, learn about validation, manipulation, abuse. You'll be a better person than you started and maybe you'll never feel those feelings again. Maybe you won't ask why again. Maybe you'll recover and piece the marriage together, maybe no matter what you do in bettering yourself the relationship ends. You still invested in something with a guaranteed return. Yourself. Your spirit.