Depression over being cheated on is temporary. Allowing it to damage you can be permanent, but the only way that happens is for the LBS to allow it to paralyze them instead of moving forward.
Got it. Think that was the clarification I was looking for. So it's natural to temporarily be depressed, but it's up to the LBS not to allow that turn into permanent damage. Makes sense.
Originally Posted by Dink
What is kinda weird for me is that the last 3 years , at least to me were kinda of some of the best connecting between us I felt. We had sex a lot. And it was great sex on both parts, a lot of times with her initiating and we cuddled every single night and had more conversations.
That does seem odd to me, and I don't have an answer there. Maybe others do.
Originally Posted by Dink
Not that isn’t to say I still didn’t struggle with communication at times, so it probably triggered the past when I wasn’t emotionallly available. And as I stated in one of my original post,
No one is perfect, so don't beat yourself up over it. However, I do get the sense at least from what you've said that a lot of damage had been done from the past you described. Not sure why the 3 year positive run unless she was trying extra hard to make it work outwardly but not feeling it inwardly? Or maybe it was good but OM came around and mixed up her feelings? You may never know.
Originally Posted by Dink
I turned in to super husband, rarely going out, and trying to do everything….I turned unattractive by walking on Eggshells and more than likely caused her to lose attraction as I becoming weak in her eyes And it eventually caused the loss of respect and attraction.
This seems incredibly common around here.
Originally Posted by Dink
I don’t know but I know now I need to GAL and move forward
Yep. GAL is essential.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
As I said before Dink, this is less about you than you think it is. Sometimes a person in a really good marriage still meets someone else and decides to cheat. You need to stop beating yourself up over mistakes. Nothing you can do about the past. Like you said, GAL and move forward.
You've got this!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Dink, stop trying to understand that which can not be understood.
The night before my wife stole my kids, tens of thousands of dollars and cleaned the house out, she came to bed, woke me up (I’d gone to bed early as I had to be up at 4am) and initiated sex and told me how much she loved me. Two days later I came home to an empty house and a letter from a lawyer.
You are desperately trying to “figure out” things. But the reality is, you can’t and won’t be able to make sense of it all.
I’d suggest you stop trying.
What you can make sense of - is yourself, and your own thoughts and feelings. Hence why EVERYONE here is telling you to get into IC, get fit/healthy and stop worrying about her and start worrying about you.
Hobbies, clubs, activities, gaming, gym, bike riding, wine making course …. These are all things which “make sense”.
I turned in to super husband, rarely going out, and trying to do everything….I turned unattractive by walking on eggshells and more than likely caused her to lose attraction as I becoming weak in her eyes and it eventually caused the loss of respect and attraction.
You nailed it Dink! However, your fate was probably sealed no matter what so at least you went out trying to make amends for past wrongs.
Originally Posted by Dink
I don’t know but I know now I need to GAL and move forward
Exactly! That's all you can do. Try to get a little better every day.
so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?
Bur the one caught having the affair appears to be fine for the most part? And in your experience, when do you feel the WW or WH starting showing regret or second thoughts about wanting to leave after affair discovery and maybe want to reconcile , or if they do at all?
Dink - I just started dealing with my sitch little over 3 month ago. I would not count on WW to comeback to her senses anytime soon or she will have any regret. I am listening to the Vets here. What I gathered here, some stay strong and R or at least waiting for the opportunity to do so. From my understanding when WW comes back to her senses in number of years (at least 2 but highly likely 5+) it will be a different person, PLEASE Vets correct me if I am wrong? It’s a big gamble if that’s a case….
Last edited by Jq25; 04/05/2206:14 PM. Reason: Change
I would not count on WW to comeback to her senses anytime soon or she will have any regret.
This is correct. Rarely if ever does a WW comeback prior to D. Some do but usually walk again sometime down the road.
Originally Posted by Jq25
What I gathered here, some stay strong and R or at least waiting for the opportunity to do so.
DNJ on the MLC forum is a good example to follow if you want to stand after D. I believe he is at 4.5 years w/o dating.
Originally Posted by Jq25
From my understanding when WW comes back to her senses in number of years (at least 2 but highly likely 5+) it will be a different person, PLEASE Vets correct me if I am wrong?
Well you are wrong when you say "when" instead of "if". Yes if you continue to improve you will have no interest going back to someone who betrayed you so bad.
You are making the wrong assumption. She may come back if she feels attracted to you. There are many other things that also have to fall in place, on both sides. Most people don't make the required changes. No "together at last".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Last night my son, who 27 and just out of the marine core about a year ago after six years. He went out with my cousin who is my age 53 and has went thru a divorce a few years back. My cousin asked if it was ok to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to get a beer and just talk. My cousin has two sons one about my sons age and knows what it’s like with kids hearing their parents are getting a divorce.
This son of my three kids had the hardest time last time, and this time he again is having a difficult time, out of all of my kids and their spouses. All three this time were surprised because the thought things were a lot better with my wife and I. Even when I told my son and his wife last Saturday That my wife and are we’re parting ways, one of the first thing he said , I don’t know why but I made at mom. I said Hey listen, this was a mural Decision, and his wife said to him to stop. Well my son and cousin as I said met for a drink, and my son called me from the bar last night with my cousin, and obviously had a few to many beers. When he call at first he was saying, hanging out with Swamp man, (my cousin nickname) and having a few beers. I said yeah he is a good dude. Then he goes, I mad at mom, I think she is being a bitch to you. I said hey stop, as I told you this was a mutual decision, he goes I know, but I think she is being mean to you, she hasn’t even talk to us yet, she just texted and said when she would met with us and I have some questions for her why she is being such a fing c#nt.
I said stop knock it off , I told you this is something mom and I decided together. My sister in law, my wife’s sister, had reached out to me yesterday since the day before my wife must have told her I told the kids on Saturday. In talking with her she said that my son had reached out to her on Monday or Tuesday I believe and said something at one point to the effect of, do you know if there funny business going ?
I tried to calm him down last night, and assure him that This was mutual decision, but he was quit intoxicated. When I got off the phone I called his wife and said you need to pick him as he can’t drive, and she said he was having a hard time with this and she was so mad at him when I called her and I told her what he was saying.
She said He was having a hard time, and even from last time has talked to him about going to counseling and stuff. I told her at least for tonight please just pick him and and try not to argue because it won’t do any good tonight as he is intoxicated and at least wait till the morning or tomorrow to talk.
My sister in law when she called said why hasn’t My wife talked with the kids yet, and I said we decide this time we were going to do,it separate as last time with everybody it was much hard with all the emotions and stuff. I said I told your sister I was going to tell them Saturday and we could do it together or separate, and she said you can tell them And I will tell separate and try to get with them the next day or something,
Well instead of calling or going to see them the next day she sent each couple a text To schedule to meet with them, she never even called them.And from my understanding from my son from last night she is suppose to met one couple Wednesday one Thursday and one Saturday.
And Her sister was like why in the hell would she text them and not go over to see them, and wait this long? I said you to ask her that as I Don’t know I have not spoke with her. Her sister was pissed. I said I asked her if she wanted to go Saturday with me but she said she had plans Saturday, and thought because when I have talked to,her I do it with such hate in my voice that the kids would be able to see sense it. Her sister said what in the absolute #uck is she thinking . So you told the kids Saturday and she still hasn’t been over to meet with each couple? I said again you have to talk to her I don’t know.
