Need advice please (2)

[BL42]

Dink,

so after affair discovery why do you guys feel that the LBS always seems to be the one so damaged and depressed ?

Bur the one caught having the affair appears to be fine for the most part?

To LH's point, fear of uncertainty and loss of control play in plus it's often the case LBSs are caught off-guard because the WAS/WS have often been thinking about it and maybe planning it for awhile and had been preparing themselves mentally for the day whereas the LBS find out on BD and are months or years behind in processing it. Though I do wonder if it's a bit different in your situation than others' as it seems like it might be less shocking considering you had an affair and years of emotional unavailability plus announced D to your kids 3 years ago.

And in your experience, when do you feel the WW or WH starting showing regret or second thoughts about wanting to leave after affair discovery and maybe want to reconcile , or if they do at all?

She may show signs of regret in a minimum of 2 years probably more like 5 years. By then my guess is you will have moved on. Some stand but most grieve and move on. The good news is you don’t have to make a decision today.

I do not like to address questions like that. First, no one knows. Every WS is different.

It's true no one knows, but if you're asking this question out of hope because you read online the average affair last 3-6 months, don't take that to the bank. You need to start getting in the mindset or "this is a marathon, not a sprint", and lean towards LH's 2-5 years which (if at all) is a much more likely timeframe than 3 months. Wrap your head around a really long time.

Dink, it is an awful feeling being cheated on. No one I've ever known has ever taken out very well. But if they are damaged, it is because they were damaged before and just didn't realize it. Being so attached to another person, depending on that person for happiness, and just assuming that person will always be there is being damaged. We live in an imperfect world, if they don't cheat and leave you, disease or accident could remove them from your life at any moment. That's why over attachment is so insidious. So you can't blame another person's actions for you being damaged, that's on you.

SteveLW - Can you clarify your statement here? Maybe I'm completely misreading, but It sounds like you're blaming the LBS for being damaged if they're struggling with their spouse's affair and upset and overly attached, not the WS? Yes, we can agree over attachment is an issue and people should not depend on others for their own happiness, but there is a also significant difference between a car accident or cancer death and an affair/divorce. The former does not include the lies, betrayal, continued contact through kids and potentially AP intertwined in their lives.

So focus on yourself. Leave her to her own devices. And get busy living an awesome life.

Agreed!