Thanks everyone, Surgery went well, I can not lift anything over 10 pounds for 4 weeks, not even my fur babies :((
I have been taking melatonin too and listening to healing meditations to fall asleep, helps but last night I was nervous for new job.
Started new job today, back to finish up at home.. Kind of a slow start, didn't learn much.. I am use to a much faster paced work environment... I guess more in depth training starts next week. Its one day in the office now and mid may 2 days in office. So thats nice, this will help to take my mind off of this.
I don't even know how to start processing this. Is it really all true?? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that question. It is all very hard for me to believe, I don't know...Dealing with the facts that I already have is hard enough..I just wish I could shut off my heart and mind to him...someday.. I miss the man I knew, when does that go away?
Went to hear a band on Saturday night with my girlfriend, it was fun, a distraction. For the record I still got it..lol Had a couple of guys hitting on me, nice ego bust.. But I am no way near intrested right now. I don't know if I ever will be. I feel so broken right now and can not offer anyone anything, when I still want my H back.. Why do I want him back?? For the love of God am I insane, but I can't deny it, I still love him, not this version, but you all know what I mean.
I don't understand how he can completly ignore me, not care at all if I am dead or alive. Said he would shovel the rest of the winter..never happened... said he would drop off the forms for the pool opening.. never happened.. said he would stop by and talk... never happened, I don't think I even want him to stop by anymore, whats the point. He is lost, I do not see him getting through this, and if he does..what will be left then? He is not my H anymore, maybe he never really was and it was a 21 year act. I just don't think it was, I beleive he did love me.
However the last time I spoke with him he told me "If I loved you as much as you loved me I would have not done this to you. So leaving you was the right thing to do." WTF...way to continue to justify in your head... God, he is so lost.. I know I have to keep working on detaching. Today just hit me the one person I wanted to talk to about my new job was my old H, but he is dead, gone.. Posting all about his wonderful new life, partying like a rock star with no care in the world. I know I should block him, just haven't gotten there yet.. He just removed his married to me status too.
