Need advice please (2)

[BL42]

It’s a process.

Indeed! My IC said that exact phrase to me several times.

You'll get there Dink. No one's perfect at this, especially at the beginning, and we tend to give the strongest feedback on the areas we perceive to be the weakness - glad you're accepting it with an open mind.

What if she contacts me to say she will come help get the house ready to put up for sale?

"I would prefer to do the prep myself."

SteveLW's proposed response nails it. Great way to answer.

[Ready2Change]

So I had put in for this next week of starting tomorrow until next Saturday at work thinking we were going on spring break

Why are you letting her dictate if you go or not? I would strongly suggest you consider going away for at least part of your break. Most new LBS would give me a list of excuses... Don't be like most newbies.

I am not looking for a response, but a few questions for you to think about:

How are you gaining respect from your interactions with W?
How are you projecting confidence?
What changes in your behavior are attractive to women?
How many women are you interacting with each week?
How many of them find you attractive?


Right now is the best time for you to make personal changes. Ranging from the way you interact with people to your belief system.

Leading is attractive to women. Lead her through this process.

Use your logic and reason. Do not follow your emotions.


Read Steve's novel above several times. He is extremely wise and you should weigh his advise heavily.

[BL42]

So I had put in for this next week of starting tomorrow until next Saturday at work thinking we were going on spring break

Why are you letting her dictate if you go or not? I would strongly suggest you consider going away for at least part of your break. Most new LBS would give me a list of excuses... Don't be like most newbies.

R2C makes a great point. Why not go on vacation anyway? The power move would've been to cancel her ticket (if she didn't want to go) but keep yours and enjoy yourself regardless.

The key in a lot of these situations is for the LBS to flip the position of power. Project strength, not weakness. Act as if. My IC talked about reclaiming my power/strength. I didn't get it at first, but understand it much better now.

[Dink]

What do you suggest if I tell them by myself that I say to the kids

[SteveLW]

What do you suggest if I tell them by myself that I say to the kids

"Your mom and I have decided to split up."

Avoid details. Do not out her A. Keep it simple and direct. "We still care about each other, but feel this is for the best. We love you guys very much and will try to keep the impact to your families to a minimum."

[Ready2Change]

What do you suggest if I tell them by myself that I say to the kids

Either you or your wife will file for divorce (if one of you decides that is the right thing to do). Personally, I would let the mother tell them if she will be filing, or if you have decided you are done with the marriage and will be filing, then you can tell them.

If you decided to tell them first, I would pick your words extremely careful. I like Steve's words above.

I used "It ran it's course." with friends and acquaintances. (Got that from "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

The whys will come up. "That's between your mom and I" is a good response.


MWD is against exposing the affair. If you have dug through any of of my quote threads, you may have seen that as well as lots of ideas on "telling the kids". Lots of agreement about age appropriate statements.

[Mumin]

I told the kids myself, you can find it in my thread.
I believe it was similar to what Steve wrote but I think you will find a lot of questions I asked similar to yours so you might think about reading the whole thing.

I thing my IC pointed out is that it is absolutely ok to say “I don’t know”.
Hearing that settled my mind. Because it’s true.
“Will you keep the house?” “Will we have to move?”
“I don’t know dear, we will work it through but we both will always love you very much”

[Dink]

I think im just going to tell them tomorrow by myself. Question I have the all live within a mile of each other do I contact them all in advance so I know they are available or what exactly . I haven’t told the wife im doing this. The last time I talked to her when she came home from my sons house
On Tuesday night and called me and said we need to tell them, and I said ok .she said do you want to together or separate and I said whatever and she said ok bye. I haven’t heard from her since.

I had sent a text in our group chat asking if there was anything anybody still needed out of the house before taking stuff to good will. All kids responded and said no, and wife responded not to take the old sewing machine, I responded ok. I did the ask my oldest son in group message if he still had my ladder and paint gun, because I need it for working on house. He said he did, so I said I might come over tomorrow to get it, and I figured I can also see my first grandchild who I haven’t seen in a bit, may help my mood. Shortly after that she tried to call me but I did not answer. I fugured I would start with my oldest first tomorrow when I am there. Then tried to get a hold of my other son and daughter to meet with them. But my concern is they. Ought not be available. I appreciate any feed back on how to handle this.

[Dink]

Also, by doing it tomorrow I can tell them about setting up a separate group chat as this will help me I believe gOing forward with detaching.

[BL42]

Dink,

I'm not sure there's a "right" way. Like others have recommended, I would keep it honest and brief and avoid any blaming/mudslinging or details.

In terms of logistics, not sure there's ever going to be a perfect time so IF you're sure you want to tell them I would just do it.

That said, if I were you I'd give plenty of thought into whether A) you want to be the one to tell them as opposed to letting your wife do it if she wants to and B) whether you are going to say it's mutual or your W's decision. Be honest, but also know there's only one chance at a first impression, so don't tell them hoping it'll wake your W out of her affair fog and don't put yourself in a situation down the road where you think "I didn't really want this but I told my kids I did".