H did come back last night, around 4am. I hadn't really thought he would, especially since it was storming, but it was very nice. I told him that it was very nice, but that he didn't have to. H said that he wanted to.
I picked up on a couple of important things in the hour before we went to sleep. We were talking, and I was telling H how much I appreciate him, and he told me that he didn't feel like he could live up to my expectations. I asked him what he meant by that. That's something he used to say right around the bomb, so I thought it had more to do with my not acting appreciative. But H said he didn't feel like I was as great as I told all my friends he was. So I asked him what he tells people about me, because I know he always says tons of nice things about me. He said he tells people how beautiful I am, how loving, that I'm nice, smart, and he always brags about my background in martial arts.
I told H that he was what I wanted. He said he wasn't perfect. I said that I knew that, I never thought he was. He said he was just a guy who loved me very much. I told him that nobody loves me like he does.
I had always kind of thought one of the things driving H was he didn't feel good enough, on some level, to be with me. But, on the other hand, I also think I've been too critical of him. I think I need some sort of balance...let him know all the things I like about him, but also let him know that I don't see him in some perfect little fantasy world (which he has accused me of).
Then he told me that he had been afraid he lost me. (WTF? He walked out on me! Didn't say that, though.) He asked me if I had ever felt like I lost him. I told him the first month I felt that way. But, after that, when we were talking a lot, I knew things were going to be okay. He told me how he had missed me really badly (I almost think this was harder on him than me!), and that soon we would be together all the time again. This kind of caught me by surprise...since he's supposed to be moving in with his mom, and I'm getting my own small place.
H, after that, started talking babies again. It's such an irony...I used to be the baby-happy one, and him saying he didn't want any. At all. Ever. Hated kids. Now, he keeps talking babies. He actually asked if we could have one. Soon. As in actually try. I told him we weren't financially stable, that neither one of us had stable employment.
He then asked if we could start trying after he gets back from the army (which would mean in maybe a year or so), because then he'd have more money. I told him maybe, but I wanted to make sure that we were good before we have a kid. He said he thought we were good. ( ) He said he just wanted to start his family, and that he thought a baby would bring us even closer. I told him that kids are always a strain on an R, and that it would make things harder for us. He said he hadn't known that, but still wanted to have a kid soon. Sheesh. It's funny how now that he's interested, I'm the one going, wait, I'm too young, not yet! But, I guess it makes sense...follows the basic idea of DB...he changed his position, so I had to shift one way or another.
The other important thing that occurred to me, just as I was falling asleep, was H's primary LL is acts of service. It was like a brick-falling-on-the-head moment. So obvious, I don't know why I hadn't seen it before. He is always going waaaaay out of his way to do things for me, especially now. (All the driving around just to see me.) He has always done things like that. And, he used to make a big deal out of how much he liked it when I helped him close at the last bar he worked at. And, there were lots of times, at previous jobs, he would ask me to bring him stuff or get things for him. Then, when he dropped the bomb, he complained that I didn't appreciate any of the stuff he had done for me. And, every time I did something nice for him for no reason after the bomb, he was always incredibly surprised and flattered.
So, his first LL is acts of service, and his second is words of appreciation. I can see how much saying the right thing positively effects him.
And I realized that, one of the best ways for me to truly be appreciative, is to not expect him to do these things. H said he wanted to have lunch with me today, that he would pay. So I'm not going to expect it, but enjoy it if he does.
