I was feeling calmer today, realized yesterday was really mostly in my head. The need to see H had gotten better, but I still missed him, and I left him a vmail around 1:00pm or so, telling him I missed him, loved him, and couldn't wait to see him

H called me while I was still at work. Wanted to rearrange the evening. I was supposed to help him study, then go work out when he went to GED class. Well, he wanted us to go to the gym together, then study. I think he has decided he likes to work out with me. He also talked some more about roommate. I gritted my teeth, and validated my @$$ off. Told me how she was important to him, how he was glad that she hadn't gotten as upset as he expected. I said she was probably expecting him to move out, anyway. He said how she said something sweet, that they had had a great adventure together. This one really griped me--that stupid little (insert all kinds of nasty names) got to see my H every day...first thing in the morning, as he went to bed...got to see my cats...and felt like that was her home. It makes my blood boil. But I just said it was sweet. He then said, "And see, you were worried she had more feelings than that." Um, yeah, I still think there's something a wrong with her. But all I said was, "You just slapped an 'I told you so' on me." He laughed, apologized, said he hadn't meant it that way. I said I knew that.

Then he brought up the furniture arrangements...how he was going to take my (full size) bed to his mother's (which would put the king-size, firmer mattress with me). I asked him what electronics he wanted to put at my place--so he wouldn't have to put them all in storage. I got the impression again that he's going to be spending a lot of time at my place. I told him I had to go, probably sounded a little distracted, since I was at work.

He called me while he was on his way to my place. I apologized for sounding so distant on the phone. He told me it was no big deal, I was making something out of nothing, and he knew I had to work. We talked until he actually walked into the door.

We never made it to the gym. We never studied. I think we both had missed each other too bad. It was very nice. H even commented that I basically never put up a fight. LOL I asked him if he wanted me to put up a token struggle, and he said no. He then asked why I always wanted to. I told him that I loved him. Part of it is just that I want to. And the other part is, I know a lot of the time, it's a way for him to feel close to me. And...I'm just so relieved that he's actually interested all the time now (we've had problems with him being LD in the past), I'm kind of afraid to give it up! But, at the end, I just like being with him.

H asked me if I would be willing to get a tattoo of his name on me. I said I had always said I would never get a guy's name...just in case we split...but I was actually more inclined to get his now. He said that he would definately get mine, and was actually seriously considering how. I was pretty surprised--he had always maintained he would never get a girl's name, no matter what, in case things turned sour. So we actually discussed getting each other's names, and how we would do it. He said he would like to have it done in Mayan hierglyphics, if that were even possible. He said he knew, without a doubt now, that he would never leave me.

I then told him I didn't care about any of the past stuff. Then told him I had thought of something funny...I didn't mean to be bringing up the past, but I thought it was funny that the b!tch wound up hurting herself more in the long run, and that we were still together and doing just fine. That woman definately manipulated my H into the first sep, and he wound up having a brief PA with her during the sep. I said she had been on my mind lately, not that I was upset or anything, she had just been popping up in my head, and I thought it was because he had mentioned going into the pub last week. He met her while he was bartending at his last job, which was the pub. I kind of laughed, said I thought it was funny that she made herself look like a real idiot by coming into the bar every week after H returned to me the first time, on the exact same day, even after he told her to go away. It's funny how she interfered in my M, yet she's the one who couldn't seem to get on with her life. LOL. My H has nothing but contempt for her now, after she disrespected him...and most importantly, disrespected me.

H then asked me to not throw that in his face, that it was all in the past, and this was a new R now. I asked him if he thought I was doing that now, and he said no. I can see in his eyes how deeply ashamed and regretful he is of the whole ordeal...how much it deeply bothers him. I told him it didn't matter, anyway, since I was going to be with him for the rest of my life.

We cuddled on the couch, watched some TV. Okay, so I was very affectionate. He asked me why I was being so cuddly, and I said it was just because I loved him. He brought up again the idea of my getting a boob job...oh well...I told him I didn't want to get any bigger (thanks to the wonders of birth control, that's happened again anyway), but might consider getting lifted. H talked again about how he wanted me to dress up for him. I asked him if it was just because he wanted to sex me up, or because he wanted to be the guy with the woman everyone looks at. He said that I already get a lot of attention, but he wanted me to be the woman everyone noticed, and that, yes, it was a bit of an ego thing. It didn't weird me out as much as it had the other night, so that's good. I guess what made me feel better was, to some degree, the idea that he wanted me to look good because it makes him look good, too.

Later, H went to retrieve something from his car, and told me he would be making a phone call while he was downstairs. I told him that was fine.

When he came back up, H told me that roommate had a friend who might be able to move into the apartment and take over the lease. Which would be great for H! I was actually a little bothered by this. That woman thinks of that place as her home. That apartment was supposed to be our "clean break" with the past (after first sep), a fresh start for us. I was rudely asked to leave (thrown out), and then he goes out of his way to keep her from feeling the same way...and on top of it, she feels like it's her home!! It really just gets me the wrong way.

I didn't want him to know I was bothered. After all, I have promised to keep a lid on my jealousy. But as he was leaving, he could tell something was wrong. He asked me if I was okay. I tried to pass it off as just relaxing, but he said he didn't believe me. Since he has told me, before, that I didn't share what I was really feeling with him...I told him. I told him I was bugged because she felt like it was her home. I could see the sympathy in his eyes...he said he was sorry. I told him I wasn't trying to upset him, that's why I hadn't wanted to bring it up. He told me not to worry about it, that he would be leaving soon, and the whole thing would be over and done with.

H could tell I didn't necessarily want him to leave, but he said he needed to take the time to start packing, and that he would try to come back later. I told him it was okay, he didn't have to. That he could just stay the night there. I must have been too emphatic, because he asked me why I didn't want him to come back! Whoops. I told him I knew he was going out of the way for me, since I had never gone over there (it's 30 minutes away). He said that he wanted to come back, but that it would probably be much later.

He called me a short while after he left. Told me he missed me. I told him that I was sorry I was being emotional, I almost thought it was hormones, because things that shouldn't bother me have been bothering me today and yesterday. He thought he was being overly emotional, too, and we both laughed--sort of an "oh great, we're getting this way at the same time." I told him how I appreciated him coming to see me all of the time, that I knew it was expensive. He said that all I needed to do was keep helping him buy gas, and I said of course I would.

I did make sure to add more genuine compliments, especially about his appearance. That his eyes were beautiful, his arms were really muscular, that he did look like he had gotten bigger in the past couple of years. As in had put on more muscle mass. These seemed to work pretty well.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]