KML… I think you pretty much nailed it in terms of what was happening back then. I really feel like we got married for different reasons. I wanted the house with the white picket fence and he wanted to be a rock star. TBH, I think he married me because he was afraid to be without me. Although he had many, many friends, I would say that only one or two of them REALLY knew him at a deeper level and no one at a level deeper than me. I really was his best friend… I just don’t think he was mine… if that makes any sense. I think you are right… I was committed and ready to settle down and when push came to shove, he was not. It was me who initiated the break up, however, because I know he would not have. Not unless he was desperate to leave the area and while part of him was, the other part was terrified of failure and not confident enough in his abilities to take the risk of leaving his comfort zone. I knew that if I hung onto him, he would ultimately resent me for holding him back. By leaving, I took away that excuse. Turns out his dreams were just that… he never got up enough courage to leave the Okanagan and chase his dreams. That makes me pretty sad because he really was/is insanely talented. But… not sure he had the ego strength to survive the inevitable ups and downs that would have come with taking a risk like that. I also think you are right about him realizing what he lost. He told me last year that he (still) thinks I am the best person he knows. Not sure he thought that when we were married.
His relationship history since me has been pretty limited. He started dating sporadically about a year after we split up. He had a couple short term girlfriends but no one that stuck around. About 18 months post separation, he met a woman. She was into musical theatre and they had a lot in common so it seemed like a good fit to me. On the other hand, I remember him talking to me about her and saying that she was really into him but he wasn’t even sure he was attracted to her. I told him I didn’t think he should get involved with someone he wasn’t attracted to just because she was really into him (reminded me of us in the beginning, TBH). I think she wore him down a bit as they did eventually start dating. A year after that, she got pregnant and they got married before his daughter was born. They were married for about three or four years before separating.
They’ve been separated for about ten or eleven years now…not sure if they have officially divorced. I’ve only met her once before. I was in their area about a year after they started dating and bought them lunch. I thought it was a nice visit although she was pretty quiet despite me asking her questions about herself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t from her end as the result was that afterwards, she told him she didn’t want him seeing me even though I lived five hours away and that likely wouldn’t happen anyway. I’ve never met his daughter for the same reason. He said if he ever introduced me to her, his ex would get back at him by getting in the way of him seeing her. So…she’s pretty insecure and, I think, wasn’t happy with how comfortable he and I were around each other when we had lunch that one time.
After that lunch, we really didn’t communicate much as we both wanted to respect her feelings and I was dating XH2. I recall that they got married around the time I sold my house and because I made a big profit and I knew XH1 didn’t have a lot of money, I sent them $1,000 as a wedding present. She made him send it back. I suppose maybe that wasn’t the best idea but honestly, I really just wished them the best and genuinely thought they could use the money as they were expecting the new baby and I knew neither of them were making much money. I had no ulterior motive at all but she obviously took it differently from what I had intended. That was disappointing because I know they really could have used the money. Maybe she thought if they accepted it, she would have to be okay with us being friends and she wasn’t up for that. I would have liked to have been friends with her as well but I know that she was cheated on in the past by an ex so it was just too risky from her perspective.
Anyway, since their separation, I think he has dated on occasion and may have even tried online dating at some point. He did tell me about a couple of dates but has never talked about or mentioned anyone special. He lives with his parents because his ex had her own business that was making next to nothing so about 80% of his income was going to her. That probably puts a natural damper on dating at our age…lol. Recently, he got a really good job that he says will allow him to get his own place so maybe he will try dating again once that happens. His mom has dementia though so I suspect he will stick around to help out his dad for awhile. Last year, he told me he hopes to be able to move to the Island in the future to a small town about an hour away from me. It’s a tiny little artsy community that I could see him fitting into well. I don’t know if he is serious about that to the extent that it is a plan or if he was just dreaming out loud. Luckily, if he really wants to, his job would enable him to live anywhere he wants as it is online and he works from home.
So…not sure if any of this clarifies the situation. If I had to guess, I would say that likely he has thought about what it would be like if we tried again. I think it would be only natural given we are both single and still think so highly of one another. Whether or not either of us would take the risk at the end of the day, I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when I get back…lol.
